train of thoughts.
"I've been thinking all these what ifs," my bestfriend started while I sip my hot chocolate.
"Shoot," I said motioning him to tell me all those what ifs.
We were sitting at the balcony getting some fresh air in my apartment, Eijirou was stirring the hot chocolate with his spoon and stare blankly at the swirled drink. I grab a cooking from the plate just across while waiting for him to say something. Some thing about this what if thing is somehow making me nervous and I'm not really sure why.
Eijirou brought his eyes towards me and I froze in my seat not from the cold but from his stare.
"What if we're together? Would we be the same?" he asked.
I look down and shrug my shoulders. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest after he asked that question.
"I'd probably be all shy," I said as the image of us being together crossed my mind.
I caught a glimpse of his hand gripping the mug.
"What will happen if we have never met each other?" he asked.
I raised a brow at him.
"The way people think that I am. I'll be really closed off since I'm awkward around strangers," I said.
"What if we kissed?" I can see a small blush on his cheeks.
I groan as I blush as well.
"Really? Really, Eijirou?!"
He chuckled and everything went silent between the both of us. The atmosphere kind of changed after the conversation. I don't know what topic I should bring up to lift up the mood but Eijirou didn't seem like he's in the mood to joke and I wasn't in the mood as well. The conversation has somehow manage to make the two of us awkward around each other. Eijirou shouldn't have asked that.
Eijirou shouldn't have brought up the kissing part but then it hits me. The reason was clear and obvious for the questions that he brought up. I held back my tears thinking of all the possibilities that might happen between us if we were together. All the changes that might have occur if we've ever broken up. I held back my tears as long as I could- forcing them not to fall so he wouldn't see the ugly side of me.
"You love me, don't?" I whispered.
He scratched his neck nervously.
"I do," he said.
I bit my lip thinking of something to say. I felt small in my seat when my assumption is right. I don't know what to do in times like this. I'm not even sure of a possible word to say when somebody admits they like you. I might hurt them. I might give them hope but I'm just afraid. I am afraid. I don't want him to like me because that'll just ruin what we'll have.
I like him too but then again maybe it's only because of the thought of having someone by your side that makes me think I like him.
But I've liked him for two years.
And I'm not even sure if I'm good enough for him.
"I see," was all I could manage to say.
Eijirou gets up from the seat. I watch him as he go before he glances at me through his shoulder.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said.
I nodded and watch him as he leaves the apartment. It took me a second that I realized I was holding my breath. I'm sure I made things awkward just now and I'm sure that I ruined our friendship.
How do I face him now that I know he likes me? I shouldn't even worry about this since I was the one that asked. I'm sure Eijirou is panicking as well. I'm sure he's also thinking the same way.
But what same way though? I bet he's embarrassed. I bet he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I bet I changed his mind.
Changed his mind?
Changed his mind. I should be relieved about that. It should be okay that he'll decide not to love me anymore but it felt lonelyㅡ somehow.
I closed my eyes and imagined him being with somebody else. Hugging and kissing each other's forehead. As a bestfriend I should support. I should be proud but it hurts to see it.
It hurt me.
I was walking through the neighborhood. Eijirou's house is just three blocks away from my apartment. The pathetic me was afraid and decided not to leave things at that.
I like him. For real. I really do but it's just the thought of ruining our friendship that I'm afraid.
These unnecessary train of thoughts and denial feelings shouldn't control my life. I shouldn't listen to them. I have to decide on my own and work things out myself at least.
But all I know at this point is, that, I don't want to lose him. That's the only main problem. I don't want to lose what we have. I like being around him. I like being with him and I like his cooking the most. He makes the best ramen and he gives the best hugs.
I walked up the steps of the front porch and knocked on the door loudly.
I can hear footsteps approaching the door. My face was sweating and my eyes are watery. I was on the verge of tears. I was stress. I'm stress.
The door opens and a normal looking Eijirou stood by the door.
The tears rolled down to my cheeks as I immediately hug him. My bestfriend was confused.
"What's wrong Y/N?" he asked worriedly.
"I shouldn't have asked. I should've waited," I said lifting my head up to look at him, "I should've waited for you to confess," I added.
He moved his hand towards my cheeks wiping away the tear with his thumb.
"I was only giving you hints," he said.
"Well you're bad at it," I cried.
He smiled leaning his face close to mine.
"Do you love me now?" he asked.
I closed my eyes.
"I do," I said.
He presses his lips onto mine. The first snow started falling. The cold night was quiet and relaxing. The sound of laughter coming from the neighbors house makes me relieved that everybody are enjoying their own life.
Even though I might not be good enough for him. Even though I'm not the best at loving someone. Even though I'm not perfect. My bestfriend loves me.
And that's all I ever wanted.
Not the best so far but I tried. My bestfriend keeps bringing up all these what ifs and it inspired/motivated me to write.
I'm doing good so far. The long vacation helped but I still need to rest some more. Still having a writer's block and it's not good. Merry Christmas in advance! Make sure to wear warm clothes and drink something warm. We don't want anyone to catch colds now, do we? Take care everyone! Have a good holiday.