DARLING | joyri

nine

j o y

-

yerim and i's interactions have been reduced to simply small talk the past week. all she's given me is quiet mumbles of "i'm turning the lights out now" or "morning" or a hesitant "hey" as she enters the room.

her lack of enthusiasm had begun to give me this sinking feeling in my chest. every time she enters the room, i would notice her avoiding my gaze and instead looking down at the floor. and i know, i had done the same to her in the past, but i'm not sure what it was that changed in me.

the guilt had already crept into my head, and it had gotten to the point where i had completely stopped seeing other girls.

i felt guilty, so immensely guilty for accusing her of trying to get under my skin and make me jealous.

communication hasn't always been my strong suit,

and i often blow things out of proportion when provoked,

but i shouldn't have taken out my issues on yerim.

my anger had finally simmered down and was replaced by regret.

so there i stood pacing back and forth on a saturday night, running through my head what i was going to say to yerim when she got back. she deserved an apology, a good one. and i was going to give her the best one that i could make.

i paced for a solid hour an a half, waiting, waiting, and thinking.

finally, i heard the creak of the door opening and there was yerim, slipping into the doorway, wearing a flowy black sun dress. god, i thought, this is going to make this ultimately harder, not trying to absorb how beautiful she is.

i suddenly shook the thought from my head, completely repressing it to the back of my mind, hoping that it wouldn't creep back in.

"yerim, i need to talk to you," i took a step forward and approached her, and my hand reached for her wrist gently to grab her attention.

"hm?" she asked and i could feel her arm pull away slightly. "what's up?" she asked with eyes wide with concern.

"you deserve an apology from me," i started and paused to take a deep breath, averting her gaze for just a moment. "i'm so sorry for what happened the other day. it's on me, my head got to me," i said as my eyes met hers again.

she looked at me solemnly, and didn't say anything. she just squinted her eyes slightly, as if she was examining my every expression.

"i don't know what's gotten into me lately, it's like i'm just so overly sensitive and jealous and don't know why, i-"

"is that why you dyed your hair?" she interrupted abruptly.

"i-i don't know, i just needed to release my anger somehow-"

"are you still angry?"

"no, i'm not, i just feel really sorry."

"saying sorry doesn't erase the words you said," yerim looked at me with a hurt expression. "the bandaid doesn't fix the wound, it just covers it up. you're not actually fixing the wound sooyoung, you're just covering up the pain with an apology. do you know how much that hurt me sooyoung? do you know how much pain you've put me through?" her voice was raised at this point, and her words struck me with surprise.

"it's not what i meant, i didn't mean what i said to you, i just blew things out of proportion," i tried, but i felt like my response was pathetic and not even close to equivalent to making up for the wounding words i had said before.

"then what were you planning on saying, hm? what did you mean?"

"i don't even know, like i said, i haven't been myself lately. . . ." i paused for a moment, and i could already see the tears beginning to form in the corners of yerim's eyes. "i'm so sorry yerim, believe me."

she gave me a harsh look as she started to turn around and open the door behind her in attempt to leave.

"yerim, please, don't walk away," i pleaded and grabbed her wrist to keep her from leaving.

she gave in and shut the door, and gave me a look that shot a sharp pain through my heart.

"do you know how much pain you've put me through, sooyoung?" she asked rhetorically. "do you know how hard it is for me to see you with all these other girls, kissing them, fucking around with them? do you know how degrading it feels for you to act like i don't know what you're doing? and then when i finally try to move on from you, you accuse me of rubbing in my relationship with sana. and after all of this sooyoung, after all my efforts, i'm still not over you. do you know how that feels?" tears were streaming down her face at this point, and her words hit me with astonishment.

i don't think i've ever seen her this vulnerable before.

my chest ached for her, and i tried to form words to respond, but i couldn't seem to.

since my words couldn't possibly find away to apologize yet again,

i stepped closer to her, and my hand brushed her arm slightly once again.

"yerim," i whispered under my breath and wiped tears from her cheeks.

i gazed into her eyes, and watched her chest fall after a small sob, before i laid my eyes on her lips that seemed so close yet so far away.

subsequently, i naturally closed the space between our lips and kissed her ever so softly.

she caught me by surprise by kissing me back, and i wrapped my arms around her neck as we began to move our lips in a rhythmic motion.

i forgot how familiar she felt. how comfortable my lips felt against hers. how she tasted like strawberry lip balm.

she placed her hands on my waist, and my breath hitched for a moment as i snapped back into reality.

i pulled away, surprised by my actions, and said, "oh my god, i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have done that."

"wh-what do you mean?" yerim asked, with a look of confusion in her eyes.

"we shouldn't be doing this.." i said, but i was telling myself that more than i was telling her. i knew that once i go down this path with her, that i won't be able to stop or stray away from it, and that scared me.