Again I had a bad day, like so often the last few months. There barely was a day I felt good, happy or relaxed. The anxiety was eating me from the inside and there was no way I'd get better without a real good therapy - but still I didn't want that. That's what I thought. But deep inside I craved for a normal life a little more every day.
With headphones in my ears I was laying in bed, pulling the blanket over half of my face. The music helped me to calm down a little, getting distracted by the lyrics of this amazing song. I didn't leave bed since yesterday evening after I took a warm shower and I haven't seen Jesse since tomorrow morning - wich was okay for me.
I was still waiting for a call from the guy from the hair salon. My hopes weren't too high to get this job, but it would help a lot. We would've more money, less problems but most importantly it would distract me from my anxiety and all that shit.
I haven't touched heroin since yesterday morning either. There was still this guy in my head I met yesterday infront of the hair salon. He seemed to be nice, but it was still weird to see a Son here. Not that it was anything of my business, I was just wondering.
And the Sons and Charming immediately reminded me of my old life. I was often in town, hanging out with a few close friends. Don't have them anymore, wich is sad because I really miss them - but I was the one walking away, stopped calling them, and all of that out of fear. One day I'd go back and visit them, I knew that, and I wanted that.
But first I should try to get a job, seeing my Dad and brother more often again. That would be great, having a family again.
I lifted the corner of my mouth and a weak smile formed on my lips at the thought of my family. For a moment I even thought about getting dressed and visit them, but I wasn't even sure if my Dad was home at the moment.
But before I could even call him, someone took the headphones out of my ears. Slowly, I looked up and sat up straight when Jesse was standing in front of the bed, handing me a paper bag with food from the diner that was down the street. „Hey, I didn't hear you coming.” Thankfully, I took the bag and looked inside.
My stomach growled at the sight of a burger and some fries. „It's okay, thought you're hungry, haven't seen you eating something since yesterday.” Jesse sat down next to me, pressing a soft kiss on my head.
Smiling, I looked at him and nodded. Small things like that proved that he wasn't a complete asshole. He knew me, he knew that I only ate food from that one diner because we know the owner - and I knew they used fresh things for their food and not something that could cause food poisoning or whatever.
„Thanks Babe. Where were you ? You left early today”, I asked, taking a bite of the burger. Man, I only realised now how hungry I was. Jesse nodded as he put an arm around my shoulder so I could lean against him. „I was looking for a job, too. I was an asshole the last few days and I'm sorry for that. You know I freak out when I'm desperate, and I really was. It wasn't cool to ask you to sleep with other guys for money.”
His honesty actually meant a lot to me. I knew him just as much as he knew me. We both can be very complicated people. Sure, I was still hurt that he even mentioned that he'd be okay with me sleeping with other guys like a whore, but it was good that he realised that it was wrong what he asked for.
„You really did that ? And.. it's okay, just don't do that again. You found a job ?” Curious I looked at him and kept eating. It would be great if we both would have a job, but that also meant more money we would spend on drugs.
He shrugged, reaching out for some fries. „Not sure yet. One of the people I asked told me I could come back tomorrow and work there for the day. If he thinks I'm good at it he'll give me a chance. It's in a car workshop. That's good, right ?” This time he was the nervous one. His anxiety wasn't as bad as mine, not even close, but it still caused the uncertainty.
„That's great, Jesse. Just do what they tell you and I'm sure you'll be fine. It can't be that hard. You're smart, you're strong, you love cars, don't worry so much.” After I ate the whole Burger in less then five minutes I caressed his cheek with the back of my fingers, enjoying the moment.
„I'm really a big asshole for treating you like shit sometimes”, he told me with a sigh, wrapping his other arm around me, too. „You know it's because of the drugs, it changes you. When we're high we both are completely different in that case. That's why I wish we could just..lead a normal life without them”, I muttered against his chest, letting my fingertips slowly glide over his muscular arm.
„I can't. I'm afraid that I'd be completely lost without them. And what about you ? Your anxiety is way worse without the heroin. The panic attacks, the paranoia shit. Babe, you don't even trust some really good restaurants cause' you think they could use bad ingredients on purpose.”
He wasn't wrong, he was totally right - but I didn't want that anymore. „I know it won't be easy and I know that I probably don't have the strength to become clean - but what if we give it a try ? We both could search for a therapist who could help us with our problems. If you don't want that, I won't force you.” I was relieved as he wrapped his arms tighter around me.
„Dunno, we can try, but I can't promise anything. I wanna be a better man, a better boyfriend, give you a better life - but I was never good in this.” His words touched me more than he could imagine. To hear that he thinks he's not a good person at the moment was just sad, because he isn't a bad person at all, just lost.
„You are good, Baby, you just can't show it sometimes. We both made mistakes, behaved like assholes, not just you. That's why we have to change something, that we can be happy again.” He put two fingers under my chin, raised my head and kissed me in a way he didn't for a long time. It was such a loving, passionate kiss that I completely lost myself in it.
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ANGST | sons of anarchy.Fanfiction
|Juice Ortiz x OC| Anxiety can be your worst enemy, worse than anything else, or anyone who comes in your way. It breaks you down, day by day a little bit more - and you are desperately looking for a way out. Hailey couldn't remember the last day sh...