This Town

Chapter Sixty One

I looked at her, she was finally going to let me say everything I had been longing to say. Now was my chance, and whatever the outcome, I would force myself to be content with it. I took a deep breath and began,

"I once read somewhere that each of us needs to find someone. Find someone who pays attention; who runs their fingers over your every scar and asked where each one came from. Find someone who knows how you like your coffee; what songs makes you want to roll the windows down and slam on the gas pedal. Find someone who takes in your smallest details; who notices the things you thought no one ever would. And then...when you find them...be their someone, too."

"Niall--"

"One of the most amazing things that can happen is finding someone who sees everything you are and won't let you be anything less. They see the potential of you and the endless possibilities. And through their eyes, you start to see yourself the same way as someone who matters; as someone who can make a difference in the world, however small. And if you're lucky enough to find this person, never let them go.

"Siobhan, it's you. It's always been you. You mean everything to me. You're the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up and the last thought before I go to bed. You smile at me in my dreams. When you're sad, I feel sad and when I see your smile, I feel incredible like there's no one else around and all I can see is you. Always you.

"You are my safe place and my biggest adventure. I want to travel the world with you; go to every country, every city, catch sunsets, kiss you on top of every mountain we climb, take pictures of you, watch the stars on an empty field, run through rain and get lost together. And it won't matter where we end up, as long as we're together. I just want to be happy. And together with you, I know I will be.

"Siobhan, I've been in love with you since we were 16, probably even before that, without realizing it. But our families saw it. Everyone around us knew it before we did. But we figured it out, and when we did, the world finally became so clear. And it's been nothing but a heavy haze since you left me. The only time I see and think clearly is when I'm with you.

"I don't need to fall in love with you, again. I never stopped. And I know you never stopped, either. I can feel it, with every inch of me down to my very core, I feel it. I want us to walk, hell, I want to run into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in faith and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.

"I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me - the real me. When something goes wrong, or right, or I hear a funny joke, or I see something bizarre, you're the first person I want to talk to about it.

"You bring out the best in me. I don't mean better manners or a sense of maturity, or whatever else this tired world expects of me. I mean, you make me want to climb roofs, run wild and act inappropriately, take risks and pursue my dreams with passion and integrity. Around you, I start living.

"I want to fall asleep with you, and I couldn't care less whether it is in layers upon layers of clothing or only our skin. All I really want is to wake up not knowing where I end and you begin.  And when my time comes and they ask me what my favorite moment was, I will say you. I will always say you."

I looked at her. I could see tears streaming down her face but when I stepped towards her she backed away and put her hand up. My heart broke.

"Siobhan, I have one last thing to say, one last thing to ask you." I paused. She said nothing. Her arm had dropped back down to her side. I proceeded slowly, "I love you. I know you love me. So, please, Siobhan, I know you're scared that I'll fuck this up again, but I swear to you, on everything I am, that I won't. I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you." I paused again, trying to read her but I couldn't. "Come with me. Let's go on this road trip across four continents together. And a few crazy dudes. I'll pack a toothbrush and you bring the camera. Let's go to new cities where we've never been and fall in love with the noise. Let's set up camp at the bottom of a mountain; go hiking until we reach the sun. Let's fall asleep along the beach and wake up with the ocean at our feet. Let's laugh at the way we get caught in the rain. Let's kiss under a hundred trees. Let's wake up at 5am and watch the sunrise, or wake up at 11am and let the sunrise watch us. Let's fall in love like it's the first time. Let's pretend to meet again. And maybe, maybe this time we'll be able to work things out. Maybe this time we won't mess things up. So...whatta ya say?"

I stopped speaking. And there I stood in the middle of the street in downtown Killarney, drunk as hell, and yet never more sober, laying it all out in front of us. I had finally put out into the world everything in me. I don't know how much of it made sense, but at least I said it. Finally. I reached my hand out to her. 'C'mon, Siobhan, take my hand. Come with me.' I begged her inside my head.