Endearment | komahina (COMPLETED)

Unwanted Confession

I sat down reading an old book from years ago. The library was quite dusty and silent which was good for me, I didn't always like to be with a lot of people at once. It was a nice break from the big group I'd been in for the past month.
I was sitting and reading to myself, being this bored was not always the best, but it was okay today I didn't mind. The door creaked open from behind me startling me. I saw a familiar pink haired girl walk in quietly looking around the room.

"Chiaki, hey!" I smiled greeting her. She didn't have her Nintendo out and seemed a little worried.
"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, just I need to talk to you. Wanna take a walk?" Many thoughts crossed my mind.
"Are you sure nothing's wrong?" She nodded slowly. Which made me think otherwise. We walked out onto the gravely path leading to the road.

"So there was something you wanted to talk about?" I asked scared to know what it was she meant.

"Yeah." She Shyly hid her face taking in the afternoon air. We stopped walking, as I stood awkwardly in silence.
"I have to tell you something important, and it's been on my mind for a little while...." she began.
"Okay should I be worried?" I questioned.

She shook her head in embarrassment.
"What's going on Chiaki?" I said putting a hand to her shoulder.
"If I tell you you can't tell anyone else." She said sternly.
"Okay I promise." I crossed my fingers together giving her the ok to tell me.
"I, I like you Hajime." She said quickly as though the words were hard to say.
At that moment I felt terrible,
Had I led her on?

Everything broke in my head at once.
"Oh." I said blankly.
I felt like a bad person for saying that.
"I'm glad you told me instead of keeping it in." I smiled but removed my hand from her shoulder.
"Yeah, it was hard to..." She put her face in her hands in embarrassment.

"Well it's better to let things out than to keep them in right?" But the truth was I was lying, I was doing the same thing. I was telling myself I didn't like the boy I had become good friends with in the last month. I was telling myself I'd get over it, but I knew I wouldn't that was just facts.

"Yeah that's true." She smiled and I barley did back. Of course my stupid awkwardness had to ruin everything
"So what would you say if I asked you out?" She asked happily.
My chest felt crushed in and I didn't know what to say.

Of course she was my best friend and I loved her like that, but I liked someone else. But of course on top of that it just had to be a boy in addition.
I stood there frozen thinking about her question. How would I respond to that?
"Uhh, I um.." I said in a desperate attempt to say anything.

Say anything hajime. Just don't be scared for once.
"I just, I don't know how to say this Chiaki." She tilted her head in confusion.
"Yeah?" She asked her hair slightly in her face.
How could I tell her the truth?

"I'm sorry Chiaki but I don't feel the same way...?" I felt a puncture in my head.
It felt really terrible to say something so blunt.
"Oh, that's okay no hard feelings." She smiled patting my shoulder slightly.
"Are you sure?" I asked worried what she would say next.

"No really it's okay Hajime I just really needed to let it out." She patted me on my shoulder happily, as I hoped I wasn't accepting a lie.
"Okay good." I breathed in as we both laughed.
"Do you like anyone?" She then jabbed me in the shoulder jokingly.

I immediately thought of the tall boy with the beautiful eyes.
"No..." I said struggling to keep a lie.

"So you do...?" She questioned laughing at how bad I could lie.
"Don't worry hajime I'm only kidding." She smiled as we continued our walk.
"Yeah okay.." I laughed it off.
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I really hated the group of boys I was with. But as a lonely 8th grader at least I had some friends. I felt a weird presence from the boys at my table who continued to talk about their crushes. I looked around to other places feeling sucked into a group of people I shouldn't be hanging out with in the first place.

"Yeah she's really sweet and her hand writing is amazing!" One of them beamed.
They all laughed and patted each other's backs. Of course I was the odd one out and didn't say anything. 
"How about you Hajime?" I shook my head, hopefully giving them the signal I didn't want to talk about crushes.

But the truth was that there was someone I liked....but it was a boy. In fact it was the boy on the far side of the room. It wasn't that I didn't like girls I did at one point, but this boy was different. But he was super popular and there was no way he'd ever like me, especially a boy.

Of course if I said that, all hell would brake loose in the 8th grade so I stayed quiet.
I shook my head again.
"Wow your that lonely?" Another one of the boys said filling me with anxiety.
"No..." I began to feel it fill up fogging up my brain, so I distracted myself as always.

I took my pencil out and began to scribble. Just random things, small scribbles that looked like tornados, pencil marks down the margin of my paper and so fourth.
"You really don't have a crush?" They all questioned beginning to judge me.

I shook my head again, keeping myself silent, trying to hide it.
"Your probably a fag." They all wheezed and laughed, They all glared at me like I was crazy scribbling out my anxiety in my notebook.
"Dude Hajime is really weird..." another boy said. They all continued to laugh agreeing with the small statement. I cringed inside, the insults hit me like a sharp knife.

Maybe I am weird.
That's all they bothered to say everyday. The words replayed over and over again.

He's weird..

Hajime's a little strange...

Even my own family knew I was weird.

Hey Hajime go out and play with the other boys...

I know he doesn't come out of his room, he doesn't like people...

I felt like I was trapped in a endless black hole.
Maybe I am a weird kid.
All of me is wrong.
What's wrong with me?