Flicker (H.S)

letter

[warning: extremely sad]

[2016]

 

l e t t e r

“Dear Jess,

I hate your name. I hate every curve of every letter that makes up your name. The very sound of it has always made me cringe, from the end of her life to the end of yours. It’s cursed. I thought naming you after her would heal me, but it has only scarred me more.

You died an hour ago.

Right in your mum’s arms.

As soon as you came out silent, the doctor’s gave me this look that said ‘i’m sorry.’ And that’s when I knew. That’s when I started crying because I knew. I looked at you, lifeless, and wondered how something so tragic could be so beautiful. How could something so dead, so hopeless, be so breathtakingly gorgeous?

You are beautiful.

You died an hour ago.

And you are beautiful.

I have always wanted a son. Always. Since my mum left and my father stepped in for those few years before the broken beer bottles and even more broken childhood memories, I’ve wanted a son. So I could play ball with him and teach him to defend his mum and the other important people in his life. So I could help him tie his first tie. So I could make sure he would never go through what I did.

But as soon as your mum and I were in that dark room, listening to the doctor informing us that you were a girl, listening to your steady heartbeat, I had no clue why I wanted a boy.

I was in love with you before I even met you.

I was in love with you the moment your mum came crying, telling me that you were growing inside of her.

I still am in love with you, Jessie.

My beautiful little Jessie.

Why did you leave us?

Your mum is still sobbing. She loved you too.

So why did you leave us?

I think she might go back to before. To skinny legs and trips to the bathroom after each meal. To tears in the shower. To wearing my clothes because they masked the body she so despised. But it’s not your fault, my beautiful little girl. It’s not your fault that your heart wasn’t strong enough.

I love you,  Jessie.

My beautiful little Jessie.

Your nan didn’t show up. And your mum wanted her there, so, so badly. And now, because  she wasn’t here, we will have to explain yet again.

I think she might go back to before.

But it’s not your fault, darling.

We all have broken hearts, my beautiful little Jessie. Yours is just a bit more broken than others.

I was going to propose to her today. The ring is in my pocket. And I thought you would come a bit later, so I hadn’t planned on this being your birthday.

It’s still your birthday. Just instead of balloons and streamers, we’ll celebrate with a few tissue boxes and far too many questions of ‘why us?’

But it’s not your fault, darling.

We all have broken hearts, my beautiful little Jessie. Yours is just a bit more broken than others.

*tears smear ink on paper*

I l-ve you m-re than I have e-r loved an-hing in my life.

I love yo- an- your mum m-re than you c-n ever comprehend.

So why did you leave?

Maybe you were needed up there, but we’re still unaware as why.

My darling, I will love you until my last breath. My beautiful little Jessie.

-Dad.

[P.S, watch over your mum when I leave, yeah? Keep her from trouble. I love you].