Finding a Family

Chapter 22

Amanda's POV
I woke up in a panic, clutching Hannah's baby blanket that I sleep with every night. I looked at my clock and saw that it was 7am which meant that it was time for me to get up. I was still pretty tired as I didn't get much sleep because I had another nightmare about Hannah. Those nightmares come almost every night and they consist of her screaming and crying out for help. But she's not crying out for me she's crying out for Alan and Freddie. Other nights I dream about the day she was born. In those dreams I have just given birth to her but instead of them putting her on my chest she's whisked away and put in Freddie and Alan's arms. I cry and beg them to let me see my baby but before I know it they have taken her away. That's probably how it should have happened in real life. Even though she was biologically mine, she wasn't my daughter anymore, she was their daughter now.

Before all of this happened I would have gone straight to drugs for dealing with a dream like that but now strong coffee and painting usually do the trick. I started brewing the coffee when my cat started meowing and rubbing up on my leg. "Hey buddy, you want some breakfast? I have the day off so it's going to be just you and me today," I said as I picked him up and stroked him. My cat Romeo has been my only company these days. He makes for a good roommate apart from when scratches my furniture. I'm terrified to leave this apartment ever since the grocery store incident. Nowadays I only leave when it's absolutely necessary, like when I go to work at the coffee shop. Hannah deserves a life where she doesn't have to worry about bumping into me and being frightened. I hate that I scared her that day, I wish I could go back and not have even gone to that store.

The coffee had just finished brewing and Romeo was finishing up his breakfast. I poured myself a big mug before I headed downstairs to check the mail. After collecting the mail I sat down and the table to scan over the envelopes. Bills, more bills, take out menu, but then I stopped in my tracks when I noticed that there was a letter in the mix. I had gotten letters from my ex husband from time to time but I never bothered reading them and they always went straight in the trash. But this one was different; the letters from my ex always were clearly marked from the state penitentiary but this one had no return address and my name and address wasn't written in his handwriting. Extremely curious as to who it was from, I wasted no time in opening it and reading it.

Dear Amanda,
After thinking about our conversation for a while I decided that I wanted to give you an update about Hannah. As I said before this must stay strictly between you and I. Freddie can never know that I have reached out to you, let alone told you about Hannah. Freddie would be furious if he find he ever found out that I was writing to you but Freddie didn't see the woman I did. Hannah has been doing well since she came home with Freddie and I. She has been doing great in school and loves her teacher. Her favorite part of school is when they get to do art especially when they paint. Hannah's paintings mostly consist of cats. She loves cats, especially our black and white cat. I suppose she gets that from Freddie. It amazes me how similar they are, they share this amazing sense of creativity that I wasn't fortunate enough to be blessed with. Hannah loves to sit next to Freddie and listen to him play the piano as he writes. She even helped him name a song once. Another thing Hannah loves is going to the park. She recently discovered the swings. She loves going to the playground and swinging or "flying" as she calls it. All in all Hannah is doing well and has made significant progress. Again please keep this between us. I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,
Alan

Tears filled my eyes as I read the letter. I never thought Alan would tell me about how Hannah was doing. I was pretty shocked the day he showed up at my door. At first I thought he had come to give me hell but he just wanted some answers. Although I was extremely grateful for the letter, it was painful to read. The way he talked about her, it was as if she came from them instead of from me. When I read about Alan talk about the similarities Freddie and Hannah had, I realized that I had lost all connection with her; she belonged to them now. As painful as it was to accept I knew that this was the right thing for Hannah. They gave her the love I wasn't capable of giving her. They helped heal her from her trauma, the trauma that I helped cause. They should have been her parents from day one to spare her from the horrors my ex and I put her through.

Sometimes I played with the silly fantasy that I would get to see her again one day. I just wished I could hold my baby again, smell her hair. Hear her laughter instead of hearing her screams at night. Maybe she would even get to play with Romeo. But I knew that would never happen. Freddie and Alan would never let me near her. Even if by some miracle they agreed to let me spend time with her, she would be too terrified to even be in the same room with me. I knew it was better off this way, she belongs with them. As much as I wanted to be with her again I wouldn't have the slightest clue how to take care of her properly. I couldn't even tell you what her favorite color is. They were her parents now and I had no place in her life.

After reading the letter I was about to start on a painting when the phone rang. I answered, "Hello is this Amanda Robbins? Hannah's mother?" the voice on the phone asked. It was the first time in a long time I had been referred to as Hannah's mother, I have to admit it felt good. "Um yes this is her," still taken aback by being called Hannah's mother. "Yes, I need to talk to you about the custody of your daughter......"