The Shadowed Truths of the Son of a Hero

Without Control

Bucky's POV:

Do you know how hard it is to feel completely responsible for something, but not have control of it either? So you feel like everything is crumbling around you... because of you... but there's nothing you can do about it.

I vowed a long time ago that I would do anything to protect Alex. That's how I show my love for him, as unorthodox as that can be sometimes. And the second I ever put him in harms way I can't stand it. Because it's my fault that he's in this situation.

There's been other times where I felt like this. Where I was putting my child in harms way but there was also nothing I could do about it at this point. I've done it more times than I can count on my fingers. Every time I go away and leave my family is a risk for instance. But the worst of all was before Alex was even born.

I do my best to have control of any situation, so that I don't loose anything. I like to move fast. That's why I asked Harper to be my wife after just two years and we were married one year later. She was more than happy. We knew we were the ones for each other. But I haven't always gotten as much of a say in every situation we have encountered.

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"Harper I don't even know if I want kids!" I exclaim in frustration for what feels like the ten thousandth time.

We are literally standing either side of the bed, throwing our hands up and nearly pulling our hair out in what is quickly beginning to turn into a screaming match.

"That's not what you said when we first started having these kinds of conversations Buck!" She pleads with me.

"Yeah, because it wasn't so real back then. Neither of us were ready at that point in time. And all I'm saying is that I'm still not ready now! I just need time!"

"But why? You know you want kids deep down, I know you'll be a great father. What's stopping you all of a sudden?"

I look at the floor before catching her eyes sheepishly. I know it's stupid.

"What if they get hurt? What if it's a boy and he gets sent off to war without a say? There's a fifty-fifty chance," I say scared.

"Buck, that is the risk with anyone having a kid. Not just us. At some point everyone is going to fall over and get hurt. And as for something like being forced to go to war, by the time our child is of age it will be the same for both males and females I'm sure. It's already getting to be like that." She sighs softly and sits down on the bed.

"But, I just-" I stutter over my words, trying to find the right ones. "It's just so scary, the thought of having to care for another human. Their whole life in your hands. And what about me? What are they going to think of having someone like me as their father? What if I can't be around? What if that puts them in danger?"

"It's scary no matter what. And you can't let your past rule your life Buck. You have to try move forward. Your child will see you as a hero no matter what and look up to you. We will make sure of it."

She reaches across the bed and grabs my hand that hangs limply at my side. I just stare at it. Unable to find words.

"Please?" She whispers. "We haven't even tried. Can we just see what happens? And if it doesn't then we don't have to push it any further."

"I'm sure it'll happen doll, the second we try. So we need to be prepared because once you're pregnant there's no going back. After all the steroids I've had injected into me I've probably got like super sperm or something." I mumble causing her to let out a little laugh.