"Are you in love with him?" Was life that simple? That black and white? I had said the words to him. Yes they had danced off my tongue as if there was nothing that could hold them back, but now I wish I had bit down. I wish I had slapped my hand over my mouth and not let them escape.
"What game are you playing?" I demand when Tommy shows up at my flat fir the night. "Do you not think today was suspicious?!"
"What would have been suspicious was me denying the meeting Zelda calm down," Tommy said sternly.
"I'm going back to Camden!" I snapped unsure of where that came from. "I don't want him thinking I have real feelings for you." I felt frantic as I ran to my bedroom pulling out the large trunk that had been safely hidden away for the last few months. I dusted away the thin layer of soot and began to throw in my belongings. Fight or flight. I guess I was choosing flight. So did that mean I was choosing Alfie?
"Zelda." Tommy's hands found a home on my shoulders. His long fingers wrapping around my frail bones as he gently tried to calm me down. "Do you not thing you showing up on his doorstep would seem suspicious?"
"When he asked if I loved you I didn't deny it. It's to late for suspicious!" I pulled away from him the world around me freezing when I pulled my wedding photo out of one of the boxes.
"Sometimes I have to pinch myself just so I can be reminded this is real. That you're real," Alfie spun me pulling me closer to his chest as the band continued to play slow songs. Alfie had never been one for dancing. In truth he hated it but for me he would spend all night swaying to the music. He liked to say it was because I smiled brighter on the dance floor. I secretly think it's because he refused to let someone else dance with me. "I plan to make you the happiest women in the world."
"You already have Alfred."
"Love isn't supposed to die," I stammered. "Husbands aren't supposed to have whores. Wife's aren't supposed to find more life in other men. All of this." I gestured around the room. "Is a bloody fucking mess! Do you not see that! Do you not feel sick about loving me because you should! You bloody should! He was supposed to make me the happiest woman in the world!"
"People change Zelda. Love fades." Tommy tried to pull me close to him but I pushed him away from me. His comfort would do nothing.
"So is that what's destined for us to?"
"Don't do this. Don't let your fear win!"
"He will kill you and make me watch." I punched at his chest. "And the only way he won't is if we kill him and I don't want him dead Thomas. Just because I love you does not mean I don't love him. You can love someone and not want to be with them."
"I'll be okay Zelda. I promise." He kissed me gently pulling away so his blue eyes could look into mine. "But please don't go back to Camden. Not now. Not ever."
"My mother's in Camden Tommy. Do you expect me to never see her?" A lightness filled the air again. "Actually I would be just fine with that."
"Perfect. Then I'll keep you here I'm small heath forever." Forever sounded more threatening then it should have. Forever was a long time to be stuck in the mud.