AWKWARD HONESTY (TGD BOOK ONE)

Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.

- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

In a graveyard.

I stood in front of the columbarium at twilight trying to remember where my sister's plaque resided.

They should really have an index book or something, there's a lot of names on this wall.

Water, from the discounted bouquet, drizzled over my fingers as I searched the lattice brickwork in vain. It's too dark on this side to even read the engraved lettering I realised and so I decided to drop the flowers off to one of the newer plots in the garden of remembrance instead.

As I lay the wilted daisies down on the dead cheerleaders parched plot, I was struck again by how meaningless this activity felt. I keep expecting to feel sad about this, about her death, about the fact she chose such an extreme solution to her pain. I should feel something. Shouldn't I?

"I hope you get some better visitors tomorrow," I told the ground beneath me. "Someone who actually knows what your favourite flowers are."

Friday, January 18th

I have lost my back to school list.

I'm going to call Tabitha and ask her what we need to get. I got both her and Leigh to write down their numbers for me yesterday in the back of my diary.

Five minutes later.

Tabitha didn't answer. I tried her at least five times. More than likely she just ignored the unknown caller displaying every time I called. My mother pays for a private number on our landline. Not that we get any less spam calls as a result.

Lucky for me Jade has proven herself to be her usual reliable self and had a copy of her list handy still.

"I started reading the Heinemann textbook that was allocated for biology," she told me as I wrote down the items I needed. "I think you will find the section about malfunctioning homeostatic mechanisms highly entertaining."

I assured her I would although I am quite certain I won't. I admire her commitment to studying our course content before we absolutely need to. I vastly prefer reading fiction over educational texts.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay in the accelerated program with all the Squbes again this year. I don't quite feel like I belong there. I only stayed in because I didn't want to face returning to the normal schooling system, which would mean losing being in classes with Jade every day. I definitely don't feel like I belong there either.

"What was up with you inviting Leigh and Tabitha to hang with us last night?" Jade asked me after we'd finished discussing cellular malfunction.

"Was that not okay?" I didn't mean to make her feel excluded, is that why she left early?

"Just odd, I've never seen you hanging out with them at school."

"I don't hang out with anyone at school, I have like no friends."

"We're friends."

"Yeah, I like being your friend, just..." I trailed off. I didn't want to tell her that I was jealous she already had a best friend and that I was really missing having one, too.

"You want more than one friend?" Jade asked me, interpreting my silence correctly.

"Yeah. No offence."