Dog Days

22 ~ self awareness

I WOKE UP FROM A DREAM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

Sweaty back, clenching teeth, rapid heartbeats. My mother has an affair and my father comes at me, accusing me of keeping this secret. I hadn't seen this dream in a long time but my mother's surprise visit must have planted a thought in my mind. I always regretted not confronting my father about it.

When I couldn't sleep in fifteen minutes, turning back and forth in my bed, I decided to pull out my notebook from my drawer and draw. I turned on the bedside lamp and grabbed a pen. Once I brushed the pen against the paper, I lost track of my thoughts, my feelings and let the pen guide me through my tranquil heaven.

I didn't stop until I was done, taking me around two hours. I wasn't ready for the drawing staring at me. I didn't do justice with her but still, Kara's eyes were looking at me right from the paper—I felt her look in my veins. Dropping the notebook aside, I ran a hand through my hair and decided to take a shower.

Out of the shower, I texted Nick: We need to talk.

It was five in the morning and I was wide awake. I replayed last night in my head. I didn't accidentally see Kara close the diner—I waited until she did. Of course, she didn't need to know this tiny detail but it was killing me. She was killing me.

What started out as a source of curiosity rolled like a snowball, growing into something deeper and stronger. I didn't want to dwell on it, because it was hard to admit, but I liked Kara Bennett—more than just a friend. I surely couldn't make a move when Derek was in the picture. I thought they didn't work out but they were actively texting and I saw the way she looked at her screen when his name popped up.

I went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine to make myself a cup of filter coffee. Part of me wanted to vent about Kara and my feelings because things bottled up made me stress out. On the other hand, I didn't know how to tell Nick about my feelings. If I voiced it out, it would make it more real than it was and I wasn't ready for that.

I'd finally managed to develop a fragile line of friendship with Kara and my feelings may have gotten in the way.

I woke up again to Nick's call. I rubbed my sore cheek, pressed against the desk as I fell asleep in the kitchen. "Hey," I said with a thick voice.

"Are you sleeping?" He was driving, his voice coming off from the speaker. "Dude." I checked the time in the meantime, understanding why he sounded so panicky. I was late—I somehow turned off the alarm. "I'm picking you up...in five minutes. Literally five minutes—be quick." Then, he was gone.

Miraculously, I was ready and up in five minutes. He was waiting downstairs for me, texting on his phone. "Morning," I said, buckling my belt. "Thanks for the lift—I wasn't going to drive today."

"What's up with you?" He asked his eyes on the road. "You texted me a message at five."

"Forget it. I was sort of too sleepy."