Broken Clocks

Broken Clocks - Chapter Five

"Mmm, this is delicious Tammy... thank you." Maddox mumbled through a mouthful of food. I smiled grimly, and carried on pushing the pasta around my plate.

Nothing really seemed appetising anymore.

"Tamara... Are you okay?" I looked up, staring into his blue eyes, which were wavering in worry.

"Yeah... Just not hungry." I muttered, dropping my fork in disgust, watching it splatter against the plate.

"Tamara..." His voice quivered in concern. He'd seen me like this before - but a lot, lot worse. "You are... you are eating aren't you?" He whispered. He had got up from his seat, coming to kneel in front of me, as he tilted my face so I had to look him straight in the eye.

"Yeah... I'm eating." I sighed, but looked seriously into his eyes. "Honest." I said, then tore my face from his hand, frowning.

Maddox was the only person who knew that I used to have a food-related-problem - I mean, he was the one there for me everyday begging me to eat. He was there through the tears, the tantrums...

The fainting. . .

It had gotten so bad, that I nearly had to go to hospital... But Maddox nursed me back to health gradually. He got me to eat regularly, and he got me to be comfortable with food. Well... comfortable-ish

But what he never knew was... the reason why I actually ended up wanting to be totally skinny... was him.

Maddox was basically my thinspiration.

I wanted him to love me like I loved him - totally heartbreakingly, head-over-heels in love.

And the girls he went for were the thin, skinny, pretty girls... I'm not really that pretty, in my opinion, but if I got skinnier... maybe he would notice me?

But he found out that I wasn't eating... and he made me stop "physically hurting myself". Pahh, I naturally thought it was doing me good... And, I think it kind of was? I needed that control in my life - something to focus on, to strive for...

But, he never knew why I was starving myself though...

And I would prefer it that way... I could never, ever, tell him.

I stood up, scraping my chair against the wooden floor. I scraped the leftover food away, and plonked the plates and cutlery into the dishwasher.

"I'm going to go now... I've got coursework I have to do." I muttered, keeping my face turned away from him, so he couldn't see the strange tears in my eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He whispered, grabbing my hand with his. "You know, you're skinny enough already... you're wasting away in front of my eyes. And you are definitely pretty enough. You just don't see how amazing you are..." He said, spinning me to face him.

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

"I...I'm going... to... go now. B-b-bye." I choked out through the now flowing tears. I tore my hand from his, and tried to walk out the door calmly.

It was so confusing... First Alex - beautiful, lovely Alex - and that kiss... Why did he pull away like that? It was an accidental kiss, so we could have just laughed about it. It could've been a bit awkward - but all would be fine...

But no. He'd carried on the kiss, changing it... adding meaning. And then pulled away suddenly.

The feeling of rejection washed over me again...

Why did he do something like that? Did he suddenly realize I was so... disgusting... that he pulled away so vigorously.

Or did he think I was someone else - that could be why he kissed me more? - and then remembered who I actually was.