xvii. content with loneliness

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because none of it was ever worth the risk
but you are the only exception
– paramore, the only exception

• •

regret did not punch them on their faces, not immediately anyway. regret waited, it stayed there, somewhere near them.

it lurked while lisa started pacing back and forth in the hallways outside their flat, meanwhile it cackled as chaeyoung stormed to their balcony.

lisa did not know what to do, so did chaeyoung. the same situation, the same feeling, different reasons. there way no way they would cross. parallel but not perpendicular, there was no way that they could be the latter, unless they settle the root of the chaos they had created.

nothing was immediate though, anger stayed in the pits of their stomach —oh their soul, it stayed in the pits of their soul.

chaeyoung pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. she took a drag and let the smoke infiltrate her lungs and ruin it even more than it already was.

there were no tears in her eyes. she did not feel anything, a total state of numbness that she hoped to be fleeting.

she was not sure what to actually feel anymore, perhaps she had ran out of feelings, she exhausted all of them.

they were ripping at the seams, disintegrating into dust, she was only an empty vessel, floating in the air, catching wind with her hair, the smoke getting stuck in her throat, she choked.

regret engulfed chaeyoung. it had done it slowly, snaked its way, quite sneakily that chaeng did not even take notice at all. there she stood, with regret squeezing the life out of her.

she loathed herself. she wanted to take back the words she shot through lisa. she meant it, she meant all of it, those thoughts stayed in the back of her mind, but it was not supposed to ever leave it so harshly, a thing that hurt her. lisa. the love of her life. her light.

she was totally being selfish. a brat. inconsiderate.

she drowned.

she couldn't breathe.

she needed her lisa.

her lisa who had her hands clenched into fists, with nails digging into the flesh of her palms, trying to dig and dig deeper, trying to tear, rip apart, to bleed.

lisa questioned herself.

there was nothing though, blank, dark, not even anger. void.

she stared at the door of their flat, her brows furrowed as if she was glaring. she stared as if she could bore holes into the wooden door.

she did not want to leave. she did not really want to prove a point. she only ever wanted chaeyoung to have a family that was okay, fine, happy. lisa did not have that privilege, she envied her girlfriend.

she almost missed her. she understood now.

chaeyoung was not ready.

she should not have pressured her, pushed her; goodness fuck, lisa felt so dirty. she just wanted to apologize.

the cuts chae had given her was already forgotten. lisa's pride made its way out to the door voluntarily, without any exertion of effort.

her hands reached out for the door, twisted it, but it won't budge.

did she really lock me out?

the thought made her stomach drop.

she let go of the knob and began to knock on the door repeatedly.

she was going to leave one last rap then it opened and she stumbled into a pair of arms.

lisa blinked her eyes and she looked up.


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