𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕚𝕣𝕝𝕤 ℂ𝕝𝕦𝕓 ☁︎☀

• Sexual Assault: What I Learned • Amelia

Hi friends! I'm Amelia and I'm one of your new admins! No words accurately describe how excited and grateful I am for this opportunity to connect with you all and share stories that will (hopefully) make an impact. You'll be seeing a lot from me, as I have way too much to say. I'm very outspoken, so I am holding nothing back with this first post. Please bear with me, as this story is very close to my heart...

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On October 1, 2018, I was raped. I know that's heavy, but it's important to this story. I had just started my freshman year of college, and had been dating an older guy that my parents didn't even approve of me being friends with. When you graduate high school, you feel infinite and like anything is possible. I felt this way as soon as I tossed my cap into the air on graduation night. But with this beautiful feeling, I became very reckless and rebellious. I thought just because I survived the education system, it was justified that I do all the things I never had the time to do when 'trapped' with all the homework and teachers.

This guy that I was dating- let's call him Max- was not very respectful of me, proving even before we established a romantic relationship that he was unreliable. And he had a long history of infidelity. But despite these red flags (which might as well have been banners), I was blind, convinced that he was the most amazing guy. We had 'deep' conversations and went on cute dates. We were that couple who was very affectionate in public. So many strangers would approach us and gush over how great we were together. I always grinned ear to ear, at these comments. Because I truly believed that I had found love in Max. Then things went downhill.

One day, in the middle of a Starbucks, he asked me for explicit photos of myself. I was horrified that he would even ask such a thing of me. I had been raised in a Christian home, and even though I was living rebelliously, I would NEVER do something like that. But then I did. I thought it would be only once, but once turned into twice, and we all know that from there, it becomes the norm. Max then began showing signs of violence and aggression. Light shoves and heated disagreements escalated to beatings and arguments so loud I thought my eardrums would explode. Keep in mind, ladies, that while this was all going on, we were maintaining the 'happy, perfect couple' act in public. And I always lied to my parents when I would go home on the weekends. But it's harder to hide cuts then bruises...

Anyway, by this time, I was questioning whether or not to stay with him. As hindsight is 20/20, I obviously know that I should have left as soon as he asked me for the photos. Maybe even before then. I sought advice from a mutual friend who happened to be one of Max's ex-girlfriends, and she told me to leave him. She was very adamant, but I decided that he wasn't so bad. That he would change. But in the weeks leading to October, he practiced physically and verbally abusing me until I didn't have the strength to fight back anymore. And on that October 1st, when I was exhausted and hurting, he did the unthinkable. It was the most painful experience of my life. And life itself didn't feel worth living as he did that to me. I screamed and cried until my voice was gone and my eyes were swollen. He left me in a heap on the floor, soaked in blood from the waist down. I'm sorry if describing this so explicitly makes anyone uncomfortable, but it's imperative that I tell the truth.

So many rapes go unreported because the victim fears for their life or of being judged or blamed. Months after escaping that relationship and recovering in therapy, my 'friends' victimblamed me all the time. And I think this happens so much because ignorant people tend to believe that rape is impossible within a dating relationship or marriage. But statistics actually show that the majority of rapes do occur in these relationships. The worst part of the immediate aftermath was that I protected Max for a while, keeping it secret even though it was eating away at me. And in the later aftermath, I actually began to believe it was my fault. That I was a bad person and therefore deserving of the abuse. Thinking this way changed me so drastically that I didn't even recognize myself anymore, and I hated myself intensively.

Listen to me; NO ONE is deserving of this. My story is only one of millions, but there is such a stigma about sexual assault and who's to blame that other survivors' stories don't end as well as mine. Men and women take their lives because the pain is too much... I almost took this path, but I was blessed enough to have the support of my family and my God. Even though I had to completely rebuild my relationship with my parents, they still loved me and did everything they could to help me bring Max to justice.

It hasn't been an easy road, but it's been an overall incredible journey. I am in my sophomore year of college now, and have a nice job. I removed those toxic, victimblaming 'friends' from my life, and have strengthened my real friendships. But the most important of them all is that I've slowly come to terms with what happened to me. For the longest time, I only saw myself as October 1st. The date defined me. But when you allow yourself to reflect, accept what happened, and convince yourself that your worth exceeds the events of a certain day- that's true healing. There are 365 days in a year, and so many years ahead of you. You will make mistakes, but other people's actions are not your fault. What other people do to harm you should not become your story. Of course, never forget that those things happened. But make it a chapter in the overall story. The chapter with all of the beautiful lessons and breakthroughs. And move on to the next chapter.

I will never forget October 1st. In fact, the anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I still have anxiety attacks, have sad days, and live with diagnosed ptsd; I'm not perfect. But I also love those I care about, make every moment count, and live as an advocate. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so thankful for everything I have, and the woman I have become. And I hope with all my heart that no matter what you have experienced in life thus far, you will find strength and peace within yourself. It's not easy, but you are worth the fight. I love that quote in 'Perks of Being a Wallflower' about how we accept the love we think we deserve. I'll delve into that in a future post, but the point is that you can't let yourself stay in an abusive relationship or friendship. No matter how strongly you believe that that person will change. Destructive people walk in and out of your life, but you live with yourself until the end of time, so it's important that you love and take care of yourself first. Loving yourself creates a foundation for how you will allow others to love you. My overall message for you is to never allow anyone to treat you like you're anything less than amazing. And remember to live without shame. Because you are not a victim. You're a warrior! And so am I! That's what we were made to be.

If you have experienced sexual assault and are struggling, don't hesitate to contact me. We're all in this together, and I'm here to listen if you need help.

Until next time,

Amelia @thenerdyworkaholic