Self Confessions

Rejection Part II

As I explained in "Rejection Part I," rejection is one of my biggest fears. I find it to be a level of failure. I was rejected by the United States military. But the rejection I want to talk about here is the hardest rejection I had to learn to get through, it was that of romance. If you were to look up "hopeless romantic," you would see a picture of me. In high school, I didn't really pursue a relationship primarily out of fear. And when I say relationships, I even include platonic relationships. I was afraid that by simply asking a girl to hang out, it would automatically be read as me asking her out or flirting. The only one I felt comfortable with asking to hang out with Widow. But she got impatient with me sometimes. Not with my company. But with my indecision and unwillingness to move forward.

Under any other circumstance, I would take Widow's advice in an instant. But there was just one not so small problem. Widow herself was the target of my affection. And I had no idea what to do. I mean, I did, but how do you use your best friend's advice to ask her out. My parents knew that I had feelings for her, but rejected the notion to save face. Especially since at the time, Widow was still close friends with my sisters. Sure we made jokes about who's gonna marry who, and Widow and I were always paired together, but I just didn't have it in me. So for years, I just kept things on a friendship level. Which she seemed fine with.

Around Christmas time one year, I decided to take a risk and ask Widow out to a movie for New Year's. I decided it was finally time to see what happens. I was confident and weary at the same time. But when I asked, she explained that she already had plans with Iverson. Now, Iverson and I were cool, though we butt heads a lot. But there was an unspoken animosity between us due to our mutual affections for Widow. I was disappointed, but hopeful. She never really said no, simply that she had already made other plans. So I asked her if maybe we could go sometime after New Year's, perhaps the following weekend. Widow said she would have to see. She's never been the type to make plans too far in advance. So as the weekend after New Year's approached, I asked her if she had any plans. She said no, so I once again asked her out to a movie. She said she was open to it. But when the day came and I messaged her to confirm, she said she was busy. I felt rejected. I knew that wasn't her intention, but still. So I shut down my romantic feelings and resolved to remain friends.

But over the years, I grew more distant from her. I didn't really message Widow and she was too busy with work and school to chase me down. Every time I wanted to message or call her, my feelings for her resurfaced and I was too scared to confront them. I knew Widow never tried to hurt me, but I just didn't have enough confidence in myself to try again...