The Beast Within The Balloon

As I lie down on the dark and damp dirt I feel the weight of my life. The people who have back-stabbed me, the people who have always been there for me, and the people that I should've treated better. I'm constantly pushing myself to be something I'm not and it's exhausting. It got to a point where I started stuffing my emotions into a bright green balloon. This balloon was a place where I could store all my worries, fears, and sadness and never have to experience it ever again. It was peace in the midst of my storm. I even tied it to my belt loop to assure that it would never float away into the dark clouds above me. As time went on, the balloon grew bigger and bigger. Until eventually, it popped and all of the built up trauma was released in one audible burst. Little did I know, all the hopelessness and despair within my bright green balloon released something terrifying. Something I shoved in there a long time ago. A beast. I cried for help but before I could act, I was chained down. My anxiety locked me in and my depression kicked me while I was down. I tried reaching to the heavens, calling for help, and pushing myself even when the chains were restricting my movement and getting tighter the more I squirmed. But, I didn't understand. Why me?! At first the beast tormented me with memories from my past and horrifying visions into my future. These visions kept me up and made me helpless. I began to search for guidance but it was no where to be found because I wasn't raised with it and I couldn't just "figure it out" as some were telling me to do. This was real and although you've never felt this beast terrorize you every night like I have, it doesn't mean it wasn't real and still is today.

We all struggle sometimes, but these chains, they won't break loose. I can't escape. Some days I'm convinced the beast has given up, but the moment I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes, I can hear it snarling in my ear and feel the blood streaming down my spine as its savagely dragging its claws down my back just to hear me scream. It prays on me in the dark, behind closed doors and I can't fucking defeat it! This beast was born the very day my confidence was ripped from me and it's been growing stronger and stronger and getting hungrier and hungrier. It's like a parasite that just can't get enough. The stronger it gets, the weaker I become. This beast is the reason I have to fake a smile. It's always watching, and the moment it feels me fight back, it sinks its teeth deeper into me. This beast is slowly eating the life out of me to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore. This beast was created from a torn household. This beast was created from a lack of a support system. This beast was created from years and years of constant trauma. Many nights as I writhe in pain, I wonder to myself: Where is my balloon? Why did it have to leave me here all alone? I thought my bright green balloon cared. I even tied it to my belt loop to make sure it stayed by my side! If only I could get one more moment with my balloon to appreciate what I once thought was the piece in the midst of my storm. I remember a time when the torment subsided and finally life was looking up. I thought maybe the beast had given up breaking a soul that was already shattered. But I know today, I was wrong. The beast is fully grown now and more hungry then ever before. Every once in awhile I get reminded of where this beast came from and it makes me shake with fear because I will never and I mean never go back to its breeding grounds. I've tried to outsmart it by changing the way I look. Putting ink on my arm and shaving my head so it doesn't recognize me. But I realize now that this is what it wants. It wants me to keep building myself up so it can break me down over and over. As the sun goes down, thunder clouds start to roll in and the tears start to flow, the ink fades away and the young, innocent, curly-haired boy reflects back at me in the mirror. By his side is a bright green balloon. I want to say something but how could I? That balloon is all he has. I see the ignorance in his eyes. The ignorance of life and its hardships. I envy it. If only he knew what his life would become. I tell that innocent boy to run and never stop running. Leave everything behind him and take each day one by one. I told him to cut that damn balloon off his belt loop. But it was too late. As his feet make a beeline for the creek him and his friends used to play tag around, the beast watches from a distance, through the trees. It snarls and salivates over the fresh scent of fear. It lunges and wraps it's claws around the child's torso. The beasts grip gets tighter and tighter until the boys lips turn purple. As the boy releases one last breath and slips away from life, the bright green balloon floats off into the dark clouds above him and he looks into my eyes and says, "It's too late." The reflection disappears and what once was an innocent boys dark brown eyes were now piercing ones that cut into my soul like a knife.

The beast still has its claws around me and as its grip gets firmer, my life dwindles. Until eventually, there's nothing left but a lifeless soul that never had a chance in this world full of these savage beasts that feed on souls from adolescence. Most stories have an happy ending but this one doesn't. I don't plan to ever give up the fight and neither does the beast. I'm haunted by this beast every day and will be for the rest of my life. No matter how many times the beast goes into a deep slumber, the scars from its claws will never disappear. This beast was created by you.