i know//e.d

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AN// TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of depression :(

(y/n pov)

"Ethan," You said after a few moments of silence. You were sat at the kitchen table, Ethan making you spaghetti.

"Yeah?" He asked, facing the stove. You looked down at your stomach, one hand resting on top of your large bump- he was ready to come out any day now. "You okay?" He asked when you hadn't replied right away.

"Do we really want him out?" You asked. Ethan turned to look at you. You shrugged. "The world's horrible, E, do we really want him here?" You asked. Ethan furrowed his eyebrows at you.

"Of course we do, he's our baby," Ethan said slowly. You shrugged.

"Maybe he's better off not being born, he doesn't deserve this world," You said leaning back into your seat. Ethan just turned to look at you, face blank.

"You okay, baby, you sound..." He trailed off. You shrugged.

"Maybe I shouldn't give birth to him," You said as Ethan placed a plate of spaghetti in front of you. You took the fork and shoveled some into your mouth.

He says sitting in front of you with his own plate and looked at you. "Y/N," He said after a few moments. You looked up from your food, spaghetti sauce all over your mouth. Ethan wiped it off the corners of your lips with his thumbs. "Are you- are you okay?" He asked. You looked up at him confused.

"Yeah, I'm fine," You said. You set down your fork, looking down at the rest of your food. You frowned. "I'm not hungry anymore," You told him. Ethan raised his eyebrows at you.

"You're not hungry?" He asked. You shook your head and leaned back into your chair. He frowned. "You can't, you have to eat it," He told you. You frowned at him.

"But I don't want it," You told him, pushing your plate away. Ethan sighed, eyes lingering on your stomach.

"Here, I'll feed you the rest of mine, it's not a lot," He told you. You sighed loudly. "C'mon y/n, that wasn't enough for you and him," He said, referring to your son, still stuck in your stomach. You looked down at your stomach.

"I don't want him out," You whispered.

---

Despite what you'd told Ethan, you did give birth to him, not even a month later. You loved him, you really did. But you weren't happy. You were miserable in fact. "I'm a horrible mother," You told Ethan, one week after Sean was born. Ethan looked up at you, eyes wide.

He rocked the newborn in his arms carefully, lulling him to sleep as Sean clutched onto Ethan's t-shirt. "You're a wonderful mother," Ethan told you. You shook your head.

"I can't even hold him," You whispered, tears in your eyes. Ethan shook his head. "Ethan, I'm horrible, I can't hold him or play with him like you do, I feel so stupid, Ethan," You said, beginning to sob. Ethan sighed, kissing your head. He stood up putting Sean in his crib next to the bed you and Ethan shared. Ethan came back next to you and pulled you into his arms.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay," He whispered, now trying to rock you to sleep. You shook your head.

"No, no it's not, it's not okay, I'm so fucking useless," You sobbed into his shirt. Ethan stroked your hair, holding you close to him. "All I do is feed him, and ev-even that you have to hold him for me, why can't I just love him?" You asked him. Ethan sighed, squeezing you into a tight hug.

"You do love him," He told you. You nodded. "Give it some time, love, a little time," He whispered. You let out a loud sob, crying hard into his shoulder and another sob filled the room. You pulled away from Ethan as he turned to see Sean, wailing in his crib, from being woken up. You sighed,

"I woke him up," You whispered as Ethan went to go gt him. You stood out of the bed and grabbed your pillow. "I'm just gonna sleep on the couch," You whispered to Ethan. He shook his head.

"No, that's not good for your back, baby," He told you. You shrugged and walked out of the room anyway.

---

You finished feeding Sean and Ethan took him from your arms as you fixed your shirt. Sean smiled up at his dad, making Ethan smile. You sighed, a small smile on your face. Ethan looked over at you, holding Sean out.

"I gotta pee," Ethan said. Your eyes widened as Ethan placed Sean in your arms. You moved your hand behind Sean's head, to hold him more carefully.

Ethan smiled at you before running upstairs. You stared wide-eyed at the baby in your arms – your son – as he smiled up at you. You blinked back tears as he raised his arms and grabbed onto your hair, hanging over your face.

Ethan came back to see you smiling through tears at your son, now giggling in your arms. He sat next to you on the couch and rested his head on top of yours. "He's beautiful," You whispered, looking right at your baby for the first time since you'd given birth to him. Ethan nodded.

"Y/N?" He asked softly. You turned your eyes away from Sean to look at Ethan, a smile on your face. "I think- I think we should take you to see someone," He whispered. Your eyebrows furrowed.

"Why?" You asked, turning your attention back to Sean, who had begun to pull on your hair again.

"I, I think maybe," He paused and you turn to look at him. "I think you should, I think your depression, maybe it's, maybe its back," He said, stumbling over his words, trying not to offend you in any way.

"I- don't think I'm depressed," You told him. Ethan shrugged and clasped his hands together. "Am I depressed?" You whispered to yourself. Ethan put a hand on your shoulder.

"Hey, it's, it's okay," He whispered, sensing you were going to cry. You nodded, holding back tears. "I just read something about postpartum depression, and it, it just seemed, because you, you know..." You nodded.

"I want to see someone, E," You told him. Ethan raised his eyebrows and you nodded. "I want to get better, for him," You said, looking down at the baby, now comfortably asleep in his mother's eyes.

And you went. Ethan took you to see a therapist and it was helping. It really was. Because soon, just watching Ethan play with Sean wasn't enough. You wanted to be there. Being with Sean brought joy to you, and that's how a mother was supposed to feel.

"Hey, Ethan," You whispered, as you rocked Sean asleep. Ethan looked up from tying his flannel pajama bottoms. "I love you," You whispered. He smiled.

"I love you too," He whispered back. "You're getting better, baby," He said, as you layed back in bed, Sean asleep on your chest. You smiled, closing your eyes.

"I know." 

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