I have decided to address my diary as Watty. That is all.
7th grade year, I cussed in front of my AB teacher’s daughter. He was so angry and I was still going through that stage where if someone was mad at me I’d cry, but he let me off. He never acted the same with me then. Really, I think he over reacted, it’s not like she never heard the word fuck before, Christ, we go to public school.
Any who, that year, I lost the sweaters and curly hair, and adapted to my half dyke spiked hair, emo bangs and black and white clothing, but of course, mostly black. Some people told me I looked like the black girl version of Sasuke Uchiha, not that I’m complaining.
I would have his babies any day.
I also discovered something about myself. It just so happens I was bi. I found out when this girl sat on my lap and I crossed my arms around her and we just sat there like nothing was wrong. It just felt right to me, I was totally crushing on her, but until I knew how she felt I decided to keep this new information to myself. Sometime after that she asked me to take her to a teacher’s room, she walked in and before the door shut I heard her sobbing saying. “Some girls were calling me a lesbian.” She took that so hard I kept that I liked her to myself forever but it didn’t take me long to get over it since I had started to like this guy in my AB.
I told my friend about it and she thought she’d take it upon herself to tell him about it and ask him out for me. Too bad she got the wrong guy who still ended up as my first boyfriend. THAT LASTED TWO DAYS. We were embarrassed to look at each other and we ended it. I just wanted to burry myself. Not to mention the guy I really liked still pretty much didn’t know I existed. He was in AB and band with me. He played the tuba, and I played the flute. I thought we would make a cute couple but after my last boyfriend incident I didn’t really trust anyone but myself with that kind of information. I didn’t do anything about my crush though. It’s not like we really knew each other anyway.
Besides I had bigger things to deal with like that day when I started…The Disease, as me and my friends call it now.
A couple weeks later I felt like crap and I went to the bathroom saw that blood was leaking from my lady parts, stuffed my undies with toilet paper and watched the clock for that day to end. As the clock strike 2:30 I quickly gathered my stuff and got the fuck out of there. Spiriting to my grandmothers car I jumped in and waited impatiently to get to her house and call my mother because at the time I thought something was dying, after panicking and dialing the wrong number 3 times I finally got through to my mom who calmly explained that I was starting my period. This was more embarrassing then that time in 3rd grade where I entered the talent show to sing only knowing one line from a song I heard on TV once, because then I had to explain to my grandma why we need to go to Walmart. Worst day of my 7th grade life. The next day my sister told me we should make me a “Going through Puberty” mini party. I threaten to suffocate her in her sleep. The subject was never brought up again.
I was starting to notice boys now; especially the boy I think is the cutest boy I have ever laid my eyes on. He had blue eyes and awesome curly blonde hair and he was super tan. He reminded me of those European soccer players. Even though I still had a crush on the tuba player, I couldn’t help but crush on him too. He sat next to me in math. One time I stole his pencil and put it down my shirt. He totally reached in a grabbed it. Can you say best day ever? Yes, yes I know I sound like a hoe, but come on. If the totally cute boy you’ve been crushing on put his hand down your shirt, look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn’t swoon at his touch. But I had to play it cool and act like it wasn’t a big deal, I was still acting like I was in the one-of-the-guys phase. I learned better.
Math is also were I did most of my sleep and where I learn to relieve my stress. Till this day I don’t even know what happened or how it lead to me taking my mechanical pencil and scrapping it across my arm, but once I started I did it a couple more times and everything that was bothering me to that point didn’t bother me anymore. All I could feel was the pulse in my arm and the complete numbness of my mind when I did it. It wasn’t long before I was doing it more and carving things in my arms with pencils and paper clips. Not just on my left arm but my right arm too.
There were so many scars.
That’s when I got into the computer. It was Myspace for the win. There I found this chat box where I met this boy who was interested in me for me. He didn’t even need to see a picture to me. At that time, that was my first boyfriend. I created myself as I wanted to be seen and for a while I believed it. I was Luna. Luna Nazumi. I was 13 years old, 5’7 ½, albino white, with naturally blonde hair and blue eyes that changed depending on my mood. I would be on the computer for long periods of time, most days it was all day. It’s where nothing was real and I could be anything I wanted. Until I went to sleep and woke up in the morning looking at me in the mirror, because what I created myself to believe to be pretty was Luna. I would always look and say to myself. “I’m so ugly. You’re so ugly.” It stayed like this so long I started to believe it. I didn’t realize I was so depressed when I wasn’t on the computer because I was on it so much. I needed to be on it in my fake reality; I felt that my life depended on it. It wasn’t until my real fake boyfriend cheated on me with his best friend online, that I started looking for a razor, where when I actually cut I bled.
The next online boyfriend was someone I really liked, but we broke up with me because he felt sorry for me. Then I met a girl who apparently was completely straight, it took me an hour to convince her to date me. She was wonderful, but we lost touch. That’s the only downside to dating online, if you don’t know where to go, you’ll never see those people again. After that I would restart myself so no one could find me, moving on to a different chat to dwell in. There I met a good, good boy, who I liked very much, but I broke up with him as soon as I met this guy. He was kind of a rebel type guy, it didn’t take much for me to be taken by his charm. I was in love with him but it turned out to be a one sided relationship and he broke up with me for a girl in real life.(After a while he ended up being my adopted son, we’re cool now. I love him but not like I use to.) I should have thought of that as a sign that I should stop RPing, but I didn’t get the message. Instead I was so broken up about it I faked my own death. Only online of course. After that I tried to come back but I was shunned by a few and taken back by only people who actually mattered to me. That’s when I found someone I think I truly fell in love with.
He was the most hurt by the fake death thing but got over it. He even proposed to me and we got married on a Pikachu balloon. Even though none of it was real, that day is still Etch-A-Sketched into my heart. We were the complete opposite of each other and after a while he began to change to be with me since we were so different, but I didn’t like the new him, I was in love with the old him, the grumpy, charming, and corny old him.
I miss him so much.
I was about to lose it when his best friend confessed his love for me and I know it sounds bad but, I saw my way out. I told them I couldn’t choose between them and so I wouldn’t be with either of them. I ran away from my problem, and in the process I met him. But I tell you about him a little later, because what happens next will change my life.
I met this girl through a friend. We’ll call her Lilly. Lilly was sooooooooooooooo awesome. We started eating lunch together and she invited me to her pool party during the summer. I could tell we would become best friends. Another year, another obstacle removed from my pathway to hell.
Sincerely, A indifferent Smilie Girl :|
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My Diary of Life: It's Only as Awkward as You Make it, and Boy, was it Awkward.Humor
The uneventful pathetic middle school years. From puberty, to stereotypes, to love. This is the true story of my life.