Say When

T H I R T Y - F O U R

The buzz of the restaurant continued with its natural ebb and flow. Continuous chatter, the opening, and closing of registers, and the sizzle from the deep fryer. I hated the way it all took on an ominous tone now. As I followed Jules to her office with Yuri in tow I imagined the patrons were whispering about me. A criminal. The deep fryer was hissing its disapproval. The registers were snapping shut to protect the money from me.

I picked up my feet and put one in front of the other even though I couldn't feel my body. Everything had gone numb. All blood and energy rushed to my brain only. I had to think of a way to explain this. I had to explain why the skimmers were in my locker or I was going to jail. I wouldn't go home. I'd be in a jail cell in a matter of minutes.

We reached Jules' office. I could feel the heat of Yuri's body behind me. His figure loomed over my shoulder but I refused to look back at him. I simply couldn't. Jules motioned for me to come in and have a seat on that small loveseat in her office. I remember Yuri sprawled on the couch during my first meeting with Jules. When I was nervous and wondered if I'd even be able to do the job. I'd not only done the job but I'd taken from it.

"Yuri, you can wait outside," Jules said. Yuri was trying to ease himself past me and into the tiny office. He hesitated, clearly not wanting to leave. He stayed posted near the door. I sat on the couch while, my hands were clasped in my lap, my head bent toward my knees. I hoped I'd collapse in on myself and not have to deal. Not have to do this. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to. I wanted out.

My hand began to sting. I'd been driving my nails into my knuckles. I couldn't do this by myself.

"No, he can stay," I said to Jules. She nodded. Yuri closed the door behind him and stood against it. Jules went to her desk but didn't sit down. She stood as well. In that small room, they felt like two giants looming over me. Ready to take me out into the colosseum to be sacrificed before a cheering crowd. Jules thrust the skimmer she was holding out toward me.

"What are you doing with this?" She asked. I swallowed. Several times I tried to start a sentence that would explain away the small black device in her hand. Someone had planted it, I'd say. I could deny that I even knew what it was. If they were going to send me away then I'd make them work for it. They'd have to figure it out themselves. I wouldn't serve myself up on a silver platter. I'd lie.

But the words stuck. Frozen in my vocal cords. I wanted to curl up and die. I leaned forward again. My head was making the descent to rest on my knees.

My mother's necklace tumbled out of my shirt and dangled there. The gold caught my eye. The curves of the woman dance there. Swaying back and forth. Dancing, in the midst of all of this. This little golden woman did the only thing she knew how to do. The only thing she was truly designed to do. I was never a liar. I despised that I'd become one. My mother's voice echoed through my head. Only I knew when enough was enough. The brakes were under my control.

My back straightened, vertebrae by vertebrae.

"I've.." I looked at Yuri. His eyebrows raised. Waiting for an explanation. The sorrow filled in me. I knew this would end us. It would. I wanted more than anything in the world for it not to but that would be selfish of me. He'd only see this in addition to all the times I'd allowed Jax to have a front seat in my life. I allowed it to spill into his world. This place was ours. Something he trusted me enough to bring me into. Put his name on the line. It would be goodbye.

"I've been skimming some cards. During my shift." It sucked the air out of the room. I looked at Yuri. The bridge of his nose wrinkled as his eyebrows furrowed. His eyes narrowed at me. I was grateful for the couch beneath me. If I were standing I'd be a heap on the floor. Yuri. Hurt Yuri was never a sight I wanted to see.