May 30, 31

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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Today made me really start to think. I almost cried in the car trying to explain to my mom why I hated living here and how I felt about everything. She didn't have a answer for me though about anything I was saying. What really got me thinking was last night when I was laying in my bed on facebook and I was looking through random peoples pictures and I saw pictures of girls with there boyfriends. I saw how happy they were and how sad I was because I wasn't aloud to have that. My dad has made it loud and clear that I wont have a boyfriend at all while I'm still in his house. Even If I was aloud to date and stuff It's not like anyone would want me I'm just average looking I'm not amazingly gorgeous. I won't ever be able to get the kind of guy that was in those pictures I was looking at. Those guys are cute and sweet and no one like that wants me. Guys like that only go for girls who are the complete opposite of me.

I just want to be a normal teenager. I wish I could have a boyfriend and go on dates. I want to be able to go to my friends houses. I don't want to have to hide the fact that I have a facebook, myspace, or twitter. When I'm at a school event I don't want to have to keep telling my guy friends to stop talking to me when my dad comes. That reminds me of this one time at a track meet when I was standing in the in field with all my friends (which are mostly guys) and my friend Amanda came and told me my dad was there. My heart sank to my feet when those words came out of her mouth and I told every guy to not talk to me they asked me why and I told them because my dad is here. I explained to them he doesn't like me hanging out with guys and then I walked away. That is the day that I actually realized how scared I was of my dad.

No one gets it they don't get why I'm scared of him, why I can't have a boyfriend, and why I can't go anywhere. I tell them they don't know him or how he is towards things. I've came to school with bruises on my arms before because he got mad at me and started slinging me around by them. There's something I don't get though and that is I have a 4.0 GPA which means I make all A's all year and yet I get no reward. I should be able to do somethings I'm a good girl I do what I'm told all the time. Most of the time I feel like a robot. I know the rules and I know what happens if I don't obey. It's almost like I was programmed to do what my dad says. If I'm not perfect then I am a failure. That's just how it is at my house. I ask my mom all the time why won't she say anything and she always says because I know you will turn 18 and I said so I'm going to have to wait 4 years to actually have a life. She says nothing else after I say that.

The only exciting thing in my life is track and still he finds a way to ruin that as well. If I'm not the best the I have no reason doing it. I have to play my hardest or I get a long speech on how I have to be best because in this family there is no losers. So much is expected of me. The pressure is so overwhelming its breaking me down to the ground and I keep trying to pick myself up but it's just not working this time. I can't make any mistakes at all I don't want what happened before to happen again. My mistake was I didn't let him go through my phone and look at my messages. He got so mad. I remember as if it was yesterday. I was sitting on the couch my phone was hidden by my leg. I had my computer on lap and I was on facebook and I had another window opened so when he came i could switch it when he came. On the other window I was looking at shoes.

He was drunk and he walked into the living room and he was giving everyone a kiss goodnight. I hate him even more when he is drunk because of the way he treats you. He walked over to me and said " What in the hell are you doing" I said nothing he said you liar and somehow he got to my phone and before he could even look at anything I snatched it up and tried to delete everything but he yanked me off the couch and threw me face first on the hard wooden floor. My computer fell with me and shattered into what seemed like a thousand little pieces. By this time I was crying hysterically. I yelled you never trust me. He said the look in his eyes said it all. They said I hate you and you deserve nothing. Don't ask me why I grabbed my phone I wasn't hiding anything. I just didn't think he had any right looking at my messages. Picking me up by one arm and it's being twisted as I'm being lifted. He had already thrown my phone on the ground. I had my face down hidden from him so I couldn't see his eyes. He said in a loud angry voice "Pick this shit up now". I did exactly that and since that night me and my dad barely speak. I hate him and I know he hates me to.

I don't think I can ever forgive him for anything. You shouldn't be scared of your own father but I am utterly terrified of mine. One day I will leave this home and I will never come back unless I'm coming for my mom or my siblings. This house haunts me of so many memories and I can't stand to be here anymore. I've witnessed so much in these 14 years I've been alive. I remember so much. It's terrible when you cry yourself to sleep every night like I do. Music gets me through things. Hopefully things will get better soon or I'm going to loose my mind more than I already have. Well that's it for today we will see what tomorrow brings.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Well he got drunk again its starting to become a usually thing around here. Everyday after he comes home from work he leaves goes to the store buys some beer and starts gargling it down like mouthwash. He always calls me names and hits me. Throws me around just like a baby doll. He calls me a failure and yet he's the one drinking his life away. He's going to be the one to lose his job because of his alcohol addiction. I really have no care for him. As much as he has put me through why should I care. Would you? I'm tired of seeing my mom in pain. It's all because of him.

She's pregnant with the first boy in our family. This is the last child their having and he's ruining it. You would think he would want to be a little bit better of a dad especially since he left my mom when I was born and he never came around until about 3 years ago. Now he did come and see me and my sister a couple of times but that's it. I remember some of them visits. He would hit me and my sister with his belt. It was like he swinging the baseball bat and we were the ball. I do believe this baby will have a better life than us though because he is a boy. He will get more privileges more quality time and more love than I ever got from his sorry ass.

I know this for a fact because when he's drunk and even when he isn't drunk. He will talk to my mom's stoamch and say things that not in a million years will he ever say to me. Things like you are going to be able to do whatever you want and I love you so much already son. I try not to let him hurt me anymore but your parents are suppose to be people you look up to and care for dearly. I know it may sound like I dont care but deep down what he says to that sweet innocent unborn child tears holes in my heart for not getting any of that growing up.

All I want is at least a little attention sometimes when he beats me I feel loved because thats the only time I ever get attention. I know that sounds wrong but every girl wants to be daddy's little girl. He's suppose to get me whatever I want just to make me happy because it brings him to see me that way. I love my mom more than I could ever describe. She is The one who takes care of me she loves me and I know that. She gets me sometimes what I want. But she is not the strongest person I know what she lets him do is a sign that she is scared as am I of him. I don't blame for it though. The way he glares at you with the look of him being able to kill you. It's terrifying. I can say that she has tried to stop him but he just starts beating on her to. I've seen her be hit so many times and yet she still stays. Which I don't get I ask her why and all she can say is I love him. Is love really that strong if it is I want no part?

Well I exhausted of being sad and depressed anymore. So lets talk about my excitement over the new baby. I can't wait till he is born. I hope he looks like my mom with blue eyes and a peachy complection.Me and my sister looks like my dad and we at least need one member to looks as beautiful as my mother.I wonder what it will be like having a boy it will probably be hectic at first but we will all help (hopefully). AT least my dad has allowed my sister to come and viist she is only 2 years older than me so she can probably help a little bit more than I can. We already have everything for him. Tons of clothes diapers, wipes, and all of the other things babies need.

Life is a thing you should cherish and it is to short to live in the past. But when your going through pain believe and yourself and become a stronger person so you can get through the darkness. Learn from your mistakes and follow your dreams (this is some poetry I've been working on).Hopefully things will get better really soon. Thats all I have to say for now we will see what tomorrow brings.

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