Chapter 53

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- Caspar's POV -

Sometimes when you're knocked down, you just have to give in and stay down for a while so you can recover and come back stronger. And sometimes when I'm lonely or unwilling I just remember my motivation and keep going. My motivation is Joe. He can try to kill me, he can spit insults at me, he can fight me, but deep down he's Joe. My Joe. Dying for him would be an acceptable sacrifice for loving him. So I won't give in, I won't avoid him, I won't mind my own safety. And yet I closed my eyes and felt the ghost of the pain that Joe once inflicted onto me. I opened my eyes, the room appeared brighter, in a way almost so light it was translucent.

I shut my eyes tighter. The same pain lingered. I opened them once again. The tiles coating the floor were foreign. The counter sick and unhomely. The heated air stuffy. I hated hospitals. 

Joe seached my eyes, "Caspar?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. Don't worry."

He squinted searching my expression with confusion when a knock broke his gaze from my face.

"Come in." I said, not turning my head. I couldn't break my gaze from Joe.

I heard the door creak, "Joe? Caspar? I heard you were here." My head shot over. Troye.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I've been visiting Tyler." 

I blinked with confusion for a moment before it struck me. Tyler had been hospitalized also.

"Oh my God is he okay?" Joe asked.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Troye asked, and it was then that I noticed someone else's hand was tied tightly into Troye's. He stepped into view. Tyler. 

"The queen has arrived." I said teasingly.

"But of course." Tyler winked playfully. 

"How are you?" Joe asked, concern clouding his tone.

"Much better." Tyler said stretching his arms, "I overworked myself is all." He said, waving his hand like it was nothing.

"Tilly," Troye said sternly, "It's a big deal. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I can't... I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"Please date already." I said, grinning at them.

They exchanged glances. 

"No way. Don't tell me you guys are actually..." Joe said, a look of half shock half happiness worn on his face.

Troye smiled at the tile floor. 

Tyler smiled, enjoying everything, "Maybe." 

"Come onn!" I said in mock begging tone. It was so obvious they were, they just had fun making us wonder. 

"So Joe, what happened to you?" Tyler asked.

"Don't change the subject now!" I whined.

"I'm concerned though." Tyler said defensively.

"Nothing." I turned my head to Joe as he spoke. He had a peaceful look on his face, "I'm fine now." Was he really? Why couldn't I read his expressions?

Tyler turned his head and took his turn examining Joe, "If you say so."

"Let's go back now." Troye said to Tyler. Tyler nodded, and they both waved goodbye to us. 

As soon as they left and the door clicked shut behind them I asked Joe, "What's going on? I can't read you at all."

"Happiness." Joe stated.

"Happiness?" I repeated in a confused tone.

"Happiness, sadness, all emotions have roots. Sometimes the roots can be from just being alive. Take babies,  for example, they laugh, they cry, even though they don't know the world at all. Pure and ignorant and yet they feel emotions. As long as we are living, we are going to feel things. I couldn't handle my sad feelings. By always pushing them away, I was stripping the life from myself, which is why I let myself be taken over by the stored emotions. But I finally realized that to live I have to feel and accept those feelings. I have to know and love that part of myself as well. The key to freedom was myself."

"That was deep." I said dumbly, at a loss for words.

Joe had a somewhat distant look in his eyes, "I'm not going to deprive myself of emotions anymore. I've decided to let myself feel what I want to feel. I'm not going to hide anymore and say you and I are just friends, or just roommates.  I don't want to bottle away my feelings and keep the fact that I'm in love with you a secret. I don't care if the world knows, I don't care if the world doesn't accept us. All I care about is us. All I care about is the way my heart jumps when you smile. Or how it never matters where I am because I always feel comfortable with you."

"You've said the words I've been waiting for. I. I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything." Joe sat up and pulled my arms so my body lowered enough for his hands to wrap around the back of my neck. Our lips smashed together violently. I was shocked from the sudden approach at first, my body stiff and rigged. It didn't hinder Joe at all. I finally relaxed as our tongues mingled and intertwined desperately. It was full of passion and need. It had seemed like forever since we last kissed. His lips were soft and warm, which started a fire in the pit of my stomach spreading through my chest. Joe's hands slipped off my neck and moved near the collar of my shirt. I feared he would feel my thundering heartbeat. In an instant Joe broke from the kiss to slip his hands to the bottom of my shirt and pull it off over my head. He pulled me into the small bed with him, the thin white sheets crinkling. He supported his upper body with his arms as he lowered his head to my chest and placed a chaste kiss to my collarbone. Desire boiled under my skin.

The door clicked open and Joe rolled off of me, but the bed was too small to support both of us and his body flopped to the ground. I stifled a laugh as I looked up,  somewhat angrily, at the intruder. 

"Ah, I suppose I should come back later." The doctor said,  leaving without waiting for a reply.

I turned and looked down to the side of the bed at Joe. His face was flushed with embarrassment, but he was grinning.

He looked up at me and we both laughed.

"Well that was.." His voice trailed off.

"Awkward to say the least." I finished for him.

"I really love you."

I felt heat rise into my face. It was a sentence I could never get tired of hearing Joe say. "I really love you, too."

He Loves Me... Not? || Jaspar Fanfic (Caspar lee x Joe Sugg)Read this story for FREE!