defensive

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October 9

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October 9

Cruising through my Instagram today, I came across this quote:

"The right attention from the wrong individual during a lonely time can fool you into thinking they might be the one".

I'm not sure who said it but the truth of that statement punched me in the heart so hard that I lost my breath.

Looking back, this truth makes total sense to me but when Sam was trying her best to drop hints about Dom's suffocating behaviour, wel...I was absolutely clueless. And even if I had caught the subtleties of her words, I wouldn't have listened. My own all-encompassed infatuation with Dominic was unhealthy in and of itself.

I mean, with my move to Montreal not being under the best circumstances, having no real friends in Montreal and with Sam being blood and all, it was natural that I spent a lot of time hanging out with her. Not only did we work in the same building, we also hung out on lunch breaks. Sam had a bevy of friends and by default, they became my friends too. I was grateful for that because I wasn't adept at making small talk and getting to know new people.

Sam was the Yang to my Yin and we made a pretty good pair. It also helped that she understood what kind of background I came from. Sam's father (my tío Emilio) might have held the same old school belief as my mother about keeping daughters on a very short leash and school as the only reason for a girl to leave the house but Aunt Ashley, a "modern day" gringa (my mother's words, not mine) scoffed at those ridiculously sexist rules and gave Sam the space and freedom she had herself experienced.

There is more to that story but I'll circle back to that another time.

It started with Sam joking about how Dom's name came out of my mouth at every conversation. I laughed it off, embarrassed because I knew that I was acting like a teenager but do you blame me? I had finally found my soulmate and wanted to shout it out from the rooftops.

But gradually, Sam's joking around morphed into curious questions that she actually wanted me to answer - like how Dom would always call during our lunch break and "monopolize" my time.

On one of those lunch breaks, Sam wanted me to explain why he always needed to know exactly where I was in the building, who I was eating with and even where I was going and with whom if I planned to leave the office.

Telling her that Dom was just always attentive and interested didn't stop the frown and the "WTF" look she gave me.

"Don't you feel smothered by him? It's like he's always around, even when he's not" is what Sam stated.

Sam's words immediately made my stomach ache but instead of listening to it, I got defensive and a little angry.

My stupid-ass response?

"No, I don't! Nothing is wrong with him keeping in touch. You're always complaining that men don't communicate and now that Dom is doing just that, you have an issue with it? That's just the way he is!"

That's when there was an awkward silence between us until Sam bit into her sandwich, shrugged her shoulders and said, "If you say so. But I still think that it's a way too much. It's a little weird."

Sam's negativity festered and gnawed at me for days until Dom pressured me to tell him what was weighing on me. I was an idiot to sharing but it was the beginning of a long line of stupid mistakes I made.

Visibly pissed off, Dom brushed off Sam's attitude as jealousy because she hadn't found her soulmate yet and was still playing the field. It was the first of several times that he strongly suggested that if Sam kept trying to bring him and our relationship down, I should spend less time with her.

In the weeks that followed, the more Sam asked questions about my relationship, the more I thought that Dom was right about Sam's jealousy.

Maybe she didn't like seeing me in a position where I was finally happy.

Yeah, maybe I had learned a thing or two from Sam about being "boyfriend-worthy" and now she was jealous that I wasn't in my usual sidekick position.

"El que con lobos anda, a aullar se enseña"....

But no, it wasn't true.

Jealousy wasn't in Sam's soul. It was the farthest thing from the truth but I realized it way too late into the game.

If only had I listened to that ache in the pit of my stomach...

All Rights Reserved ©2019 Marquessa Matthews

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