- Joe's POV -
I was reliving every second I had spent with Caspar as if it was a movie. I knew perfectly well that I was dreaming, but I didn't want to wake up.
"Joe." I heard suddenly, awakening me from my dream. When I opened my eyes, I saw nothing. It wasn't darkness or light. It was just... Nothing.
"Joe." It repeated. I knew without seeing that it was the voices calling my name.
"Show yourselves." I commanded.
"You don't want to see us." They said, their voice wasn't harsh.
"I can handle it, just show yourselves."
I was scared. What if it was a demonic creature? Or some sort of freaky looking grudge type girl? But I needed to see them. I needed to finally face them. They were my biggest fear.
Finally, figures stepped out into eyesight.
But when they revealed their complete looks, I wanted to close my eyes. Make them go away. But I couldn't, they stayed.
Me. They were all me.
There was my younger self. Eight years old. Crying. It was after bullying, I believe. As soon as I saw his face, the pain I had hidden burst within me. It was released.
I couldn't bear to make eye contact with any of the other ones. I didn't want the pain released again. They only multiplied.
"What is this?" I barely head myself ask.
"We are you, Joe. When you're sad or angry, you take those feelings and shove them away. You never deal with them. You left us here. You never let go of us. Never let go of these feelings of hatred. We devote ourselves to bringing misery to everyone, so that they can feel the same pain you've felt. We are you. When you're scared, and shutting down, you let us take over."
"So, am I dead?" I asked, completely confused.
"No. No you're not. Your body is just shut down right now. We grew too strong, and you lost yourself. The stress was so overwhelming you passed out." Their kind tone scared me.
I wasn't dead. I was a lost soul. I held and contained so much anger, hatred and sadness. Inside, deep inside where my darkest self lies I hated Caspar's warmth. I hated his overflowing happiness. But me, the real me, clung to Caspar's gentleness. Everything I had pushed away healed me.
And now, I finally realized I love Caspar. It wasn't the pitiful short term relationship love. It wasn't the summer romance love. It wasn't the fake, attention seeking love. I realized it was the real love. The love that takes over everything you have and everything you are. The love that kills you and saves you at the same time. the moment, the pure moment I had hit realization, that lasted only a second, I wanted it to last long. I wanted that moment to be turned into a century.
"Why did you ask to make a compromise? My life for Caspar's?" I asked.
"We though you would chose yourself. Then you wouldn't feel so bad if Caspar died. We thought it'd make you more thankful for your own life."
"Will you leave me now?" I asked.
"Even if we left, you don't understand how to let go. You'd only be built with more of us as you continued to hurt." They said.
"How can I let go?" I pleaded.
"We don't know." They answered.
"When can I wake up?" I needed to see Caspar as soon as possible.
"We don't know." They said again.
It was me all along. It was my pure ignorance that let them grow.
I looked up at them. I really, truly, honestly looked. Their faces, all plastered with pain and misery.
I walked over to them. I went to my eight year old self first. I hugged him. I hugged him with love. I knew how to let them go now.
I needed to love myself.
I watched as my eight year old self vanished. I repeated the hug to every other piece of me in the space, until I was alone. I wished someone was left to give me a hug.
And my vision turned white. Like lights. And with a single blink, I saw Caspar. Standing above me. Doctors standing to his left and right.
"Joe. Oh my God, Joe." Caspar's arms flung around me. I couldn't help but smile. I felt his love through his arms. Through his warmth. Through his tears.
"I love you, Caspar Lee." I whispered.
"I love you too. Don't. Don't ever scare me like that again!" He said, clutching my body as if his life depended on it.
"I won't. I promise. I'm healed." I smiled into his shirt.
I waited. I listened. No voices echoed throughout my head.
I was free.
--A/N - finally the voices are gone they were annoying me tbh.
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He Loves Me... Not? || Jaspar Fanfic (Caspar lee x Joe Sugg)Fanfiction
"Friends can cuddle, right?" I asked, inching closer to Joe. "Yeah." Joe said, opening one eye adorably to look at me. "They can kiss too?" I whispered, his scent alone sending chills up my spine.