L Lawliet x Reader Oneshots 3 // Series 2 • Death Note [COMPLETED]

PTSD L head canons

Mmmk so I'm pretty sure that most people know one of my main theories about L is that he had some form of PTSD (possibly alongside other conditions) so I'll drop these HCs here in the world there this could be canon on some level. Warning: these are AGNSTY. Trigger warning: mentions of abuse and self harm. As usual if you wanna see any of these turned into oneshots comment on them.

•it sparked due to childhood abuse, neglect and abandonment

•over the years has gotten better at controlling panic and flashbacks, now that he's an adult he's identified the triggers and can stay away from them and can kind of tell when the 'impending doom' feeling is kicking in so he can leave the situation.

•insecure about scars left from the initial abuse, hides them as best as he can.
((PROMPT: READER FINDS OUT HE HAS SCARS FROM HIS PAST ABUSE AND POSSIBLY SELF HARM SO SHE MAKES HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT BY PAINTING FLOWERS OVER THEM))✅

•when he's internal monologuing, or zoned out, its actually dissociation. Sometimes he'll dissociate into the void and forget where he is for a moment. Or he'll stare at something so long it starts to not look real anymore.
- was once caught intensely starring at his hands and when asked if he was ok he just looked up and went "Are my hands real?"

•there's this one smell that he can't identify that always triggers something. It's kind of smoke but not smoke, like dusty and kind of wood like. He doesn't know what it is but he knows when he can smell that, it's immediately time to go find Watari (or reader chan) in case he starts to break down.

•t r u s t  i s s u e s.

•also separation issues. He likes to be alone but not completely alone. Someone has to at least be in the building with him or he'll freak out. Can't be left completely alone, he immediately goes "what if they don't come back? Like my parents did?"

•LOATHES snowy days because it was snowing the day he was abandoned and it re-opens wounds. Just snow on the ground? Whatever. Actual falling snow? Nope.

•Watari knew that L would have a hard time adjusting to orphan life, most kids did. So the first few months or so of acting out, crying, panicking, and terror are relatively normal at an orphanage where the majority of the kids came from bad homes or where abandoned. But once a few months had past, and L was still frequently panicking, refusing to be alone, acting out around the other kids, things started to get a little worrying.

•the final straw that something was definitely wrong was the first flashback. Neither L or Watari know what exactly triggered it. But he was in hysterics, pushed everyone away, didn't recognise the people around him, cried all night, repeated things like "come back don't leave me" or "I'm gonna die". That's when it clicked and he was taken to a psychiatrist. 

•while there's multiple events registered as flashbacks to him, there's who very prominent ones. Two events he re-experiences the most. One being the actual abandonment. The other being the time one of his birth parents made him bleed by throwing him into a door. He still has the scar from the gash it left.

•refuses to ever try and look for his birth parents. He doesn't even remember what they look like all that well. If they ever tried to find him for whatever reason, he's taking their asses to court and then never talking to them ever again.

•because a flashback is re-living an event that wasn't properly processed as a memory, everything he experiences feels so real to him, if you want to calm him down you have to be very slow, quiet and patient. You have to ground him or get him to realise who you are before you can even touch him or he'll just shove you away and scream at you to not hurt him.

•he's terrified that if he ever had kids, he'd scare them. A child witnessing their father scream and cry in mental pain while pushing people away when they're too young to understand what's happening could make them fear him. He doesn't want that to happen. ✅

•if that did happen, he'd try everything in his power to make them understand and not be scared of him anymore. Even if it meant having to explain why, and reopening wounds. ✅

•there are certain words he can't say because they remind him of the trauma. It's very hard for him to talk about what happened.
-"you have to like... you know..."
"Throw them down?"
"Y-Yeah that..."

•how to spot him getting anxious:
-twitching hands or feet
-playing with sleeves or whatever object is close by
-stammering
-rocking backs and fourth while scanning the room every two seconds
-arms crossed, closed off, trying to cover his vital organs.
-heavy breathing/quick breathing
-tapping feet or hands against something
-curling up tighter than usual
-shaking
-gripping into himself tightly.

•how to calm him down:
-approach slowly and softly
-have him breathe properly
-when he accepts touch, keep him close, an arm around him or a hug
-holding hands
-giving him a comfort object. (Kai, the toy from my other one shots, something to fidget with, his favourite blanket)
-keep talking, softly, gently, keep his mind off what's making him anxious.
-back rubs/head pats

•Triggers:
-aggressive yelling
-snowy days
-the date he was abandoned
-big scary authority figures/ threading figures
-that one Smokey smell he can't identify
-aggressive touch (pushing, hitting, kicking)
-any mention of throwing someone down, abuse or demotic abuse

•sometimes fight or flight will kick in before the panic break down will. He'll fight his way out of the situation then immediately breakdown when it's over.
-when he fought with Light, the panic set in after the actual fight. He forced his handcuff off and stormed out. The taskforce assumed he was mad but Watari knew he was going to cry and followed him out.

•has depressive episodes, doesn't feel like doing anything and dwells in the past.

K that's all I got for now. Take that EDGE and fuel yourselves angst lovers. Oneshot later, as always, of you see something you like, comment and I'll make a oneshot out of it.