sad smile

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It's a 'She' now with empty heart, if you notice

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It's a 'She' now with empty heart, if you notice.
It used to be a 'She' with a big shining pink heart.

I know it's just a contact name but it describe a lot.
She's so innocent, she trust me too much, she question nothing.

Like nothing at all.

Even when she found those rumours about me with some other girls.
Even when I hang out with some female friends and cancelled our dates.
She didn't control me.
She understand me and I'm grateful for having her as my girlfriend.

But I can't lie to myself.
I can draw the beautiful white lies to everyone but not myself.

I hate me now.
I hate myself for being like this, for feeling so comfortable when I’m away from her.
If she didn't text me today, I bet I wouldn’t go to her either. I just can't help it.

I hate myself for not having butterflies when I saw her looking all cute with bright smile welcoming me home. From some point, my heart doesn’t react anymore when she touch me.

I wish she would hate me now. I wish her feelings would cool down. Those eyes that look at me. I wish there was no love in them.

"Look here! I made your favorite! Sit down and I'll get a cup of warm water for you." She pulled me down to sit in front of her massive food, showing off her cooking skills.

She's a perfect package. A whole wife material.
She's beautiful, nice, very understanding, warm and she loves me.

"Now, give a bite and tell me how it was. I put some special love potion in it." She would giggles and show me the sweetest smile.

I wish she would figure it out from my eyes. I pray inside, 'Don't show me a smile with those endlessly clear eyes.' Because I don't deserve it.

"Why you cook so much?" I chuckles and have a spoon of it.

"Because I love you." She smile brightly and giggles. "I know you rarely eat homemade food, so I try my best. Do you like it?"

"Yeah, of course. It's delicious." I continue eating while staring at her, put on a sad smile.

'Baby, you tell me you love me so brightly. I want to tell you, me too but I can't find the words. When you look at me so warmly like this. Do you know that it’s already over?'

I have the truth untold inside my head.

'How can I say it? When you’re still so happy whenever you’re with me?
How can I say it? I can’t bear to tell you that my heart has already left.'

'I don’t love you no more. I want to love you but I can’t. My heart has already left. I can’t love you no more.'

But did I managed to tell her? No.
I will never able to tell.

"Kookie, let's watch some movies tonight and cuddles. It's been awhile we watch movies together. What do you think?"

So I'll put on a sad smile and tell her, "Sure, I'd love to."

But could I put on this sad smile forever?

No.

Theme Song: How Can I Say by Day6

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