The Second To Last Human Alive

Chapter 1 - The Second To Last Human Alive

The best word you could use to describe Randal would be lucky. Whether he was winning the lottery or getting hit by a car, he never had an average day. He certainly had an awful lot of luck, both good and bad. One of the greatest examples of his luck was the day that Randal became the victim of a small malfunction in a piece of alien technology. It would turn out to be one of the luckiest days of his life.

The origin of Randal’s problems was the theory of Equal Matter Displacement. The theory of Equal Matter Displacement is a widely debunked theory that states if something materializes somewhere, an equal amount of matter needs to be displaced to make room for this new matter. This theory is of course entirely untrue, but that didn’t stop a minor species from the Triangulum galaxy from using it as the basis for their teleportation based faster-than-light travel. This is all extremely relevant when you understand that the first time these aliens visited earth, the big chunk of atmosphere they launched into space to make room for their space-ship just so happened to be the big chunk of atmosphere that our protagonist, Randal Elliot, happened to be walking through at that very moment. Randal soon discovered first hand how patently unpleasant being launched into space is, and quickly died of asphyxiation.

Now, in most cases, the death of the protagonist by asphyxiation is a good indication that the story is over, so it must come to almost as big a surprise to you, the reader, as it came to Randal when he woke up.

Randal opened his eyes and let out a small groan. He quickly closed them again. He decided to wait for his brain to catch up with him before he started overloading it with images of things that didn’t exist. Eventually, the room stopped spinning and Randal decided to give consciousness another go. Upon seeing what he saw before for a second time, this time with his brain able to interpret the images, Randal decided that the best course of action would be to scream.

“Well, I guess he’s up,” said a blue-haired woman.

The blue-haired woman, who Randal didn’t recognize and under the circumstance that was a small mercy, was not the reason he screamed. Nor was the presence of her companion, a 7-foot-tall creature that looked like an Elephant learned to walk on its hind legs and, for an encore, shot itself in the face with an ugly gun. Nor was it the fact that Randal was naked, strapped to a table, and covered in electrodes. Randal screamed because he had just regained his memory, and the last thing he remembered was being blasted into outer-space and dying from asphyxiation. Once he was done screaming about that, he realized his current situation and gave that a good scream too.

“You about done?” asked the blue-haired woman.

“Sorry,” said Randal, “I’ve been having a bad day. I thought I was dead for a while there.”

“Well that’s understandable,” said the woman, “You were dead for a while there.”

“What? How…I really was dead?” asked Randal.

“Well not in any serious way. Asphyxiation I believe. And against all known laws of science, your body was perfectly preserved in the vacuum of space. Really aside from being dead you were fit as a fiddle,” said the blue-haired woman.

“I was dead?” asked Randal.

“You were dead. You’re fine now,” said the woman.

“But… I was dead?” asked Randal.

“Don’t be so morbid. You’re fine. Would you like some clothes?”

“I was resurrected…” replied Randal distantly.

“You’re being overdramatic. Here, put some pants on,” the woman said, throwing Randal his jeans. They landed on his chest.

“I’m strapped to the table,” said Randal after a moment.

“Oh yeah. You kept twitching when we were bringing you back to life. Really complicated the process.”