The wrong happy ending

fifty shades of the blues

Of course it was only a matter of time before I'd shape my demons into a new addiction. Everyone has those little voices pulling on your dark strings and I think the world or someone up there in the clouds must really love bitter irony because mine became an absolute destruction. Sometimes when I'm trampling my own existence into the ground, I still think about how hard Will had worked to build me up and how much better he envisioned me being without bloodied wrists on the bathroom floor at four am. Then I laugh at my own misery while wiping the tears with red fingers away. 

If that asshole wanted me to live in his picture than perhaps he should have stayed in the frame.

Slowly the laughing morphs into sobs and my legs start freezing on the cold, slippery tiles I'm laying on. I hug myself closer with clasping hands and try to imagine they're not mine but his. That they'll rub the warmth back into my arms and into my heart. 

Outside the window, the new dawn creeps by in a thousand shades of blue and grey. My heavy head falls back against the bathtub while the red liquid smudges all over the floor with every brusk movement. 

Some people consider heartbreak one of the most truest forms of poetry. Of course they're not the ones crying their eyes out with sliced open wrists. They haven't tasted the iron on their tongue every time they try to say his name out loud. They admire the darkness from a distance and pretend to feel the pain of their muse.

Even I myself thought for a very long time that Romeo and Juliet was a love story.

It's not.

It's a fucking tragedy.

But I could live with that, I could live with all of that. No need to rewrite my sad little story if in the end there won't be anyone at home to share it with. 

My sweetest angel,

my biggest tormenter,

all the same person and both not here. 

But even with all of that I still held on to the edge of light. I maybe had stared down into the abyss but I still hadn't completely abandoned that little spark inside me. 

Not until I met Nath.

Then I plunged face first into it. 

From the moment he saw me standing there in the supermarket at the shelf full of avocados, he was absolutely smitten by me. He saw the destruction, the chaos, the darkness just below the surface of my eyes and all that electricity was too much to pull away from. I knew him from summer camp, the same camp where I met Will two years ago. He had always given me those long looks even when I was already taken. He didn't even merely tried to hide it to Will's greatest annoyance. At the time I thought it was funny but in that moment my knees were shaking and the avocado I was holding almost slipped out of my hand when he walked towards me with a head of shaggy, hazel bangs and a grin full of charisma. 

My heart just cried out for a little bit of love, even just a soft touch was enough.

And I was so, so, so weak...

I smiled back at him

and that my dearest friends, 

was the biggest mistake of my life.

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Don't worry darlings, our sweet angel Will, will soon make his debut. :)

Any thoughts?