it's all complicated • ashannie

c a t o r c e

I slowly slip off my clothing and slip it on.

It still fits. Although I've lost a lot of weight.

I make my way to my dresser. Pulling out a pen and a notebook.

Kenzie + John

Thank you both for everything you've done for me, you are two of the most amazing people I have ever met. I know that we have gone trough a hell of a lot together, but it's time I end the hurt for good.
I love you both more than you could ever imagine, however i can't keep bothering you with my crap, especially you Kenzie.
You'll both be ok, you have each other and your families to get you through, but everybody will forget about me pretty fast anyways.
I wish I could keep fighting, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger. Just know that this isn't your fault, you were the only family I had and I will always love you both so so much.

Love, Julianna Grace

I neatly folded up the paper

I started to write one for my parents, oh how much it will affect them. But at least they won't have to worry about me anymore.

Dad + Mom

I'm sorry Mom and dad but this world is just not my place
I've tried for so long to fix this and fit in
I've come to realize this world's full of sin
There's nothing for me here, I'm just a waste of space
I've got no reason to stay here with this awful race
It's a disgrace, I was misplaced
Born in the wrong time and in the wrong place
It's okay though, 'cause you'll see me soon
You'll know when your time has come, just look at the moon
As it shines bright throughout the night
And remember everyone's facing their own fight
But I can't deal with the pain, I'm not a fighter
You'll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter
So let the world know, that I died in vain
'Cause the world around me, is the one to blame
And I know in a year, you'll forget I'm gone
'Cause I'm not really something to be dwelled on
My presence on this earth is not needed any longer
And if anything, I hope this makes you stronger
Mom, You're the best friend that I ever had
It's such a shame I had to make you so very sad
But just remember that you meant everything to me
And dad to my heart, you're the only one that held the key
Now it's time to go, I'm running out of space to write
And yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight
I'm watching over you both from the clouds above
And sending down the purest and whitest dove
To watch over you, and be my helpful eye
So this is it, goodbye.

Love your daughter, Julianna Grace

I neatly folded it up, tears coming out of my eyes.

I had one last letter to write, it was going to be the most painful one.

Asher.

I'm gone, just like you wanted me to be.
I hope this makes you happy since I clearly never did.
I wish you the best of luck with your new family.
I hope you get married soon.
I'm sure your baby is going to be gorgeous, you and Jenna are really good looking.
Take care of her like you never did with me.
Don't hit her, don't yell at her.
Make her feel good.
Take care of your little one.
Thank you for the past 4 years, thank you for letting me feel loved, for the great times, you're amazing kisses, hugs and sex.
Because believe it or not You made me feel like no one else did.
Thank you for also hitting me, for yelling at me. It made me think over my mistakes and to not do them again.
Asher baby I love you so much.
All I want is for you to be happy, which is why I did this.
I wish you the best of luck, take care of my mom and dad, actually don't.
You take care of your family.
You'll forget about me, heck I don't think you'll even read this.
I'll be watching over you.
I love you angel, so so much.

Love, Julianna Grace

I folded up the last letter.

I gently picked them up, placing them next to our bathroom sink.

I sat on the edge of our bathtub, I turned on the faucets and let the water run. I searched our cabinets and to my luck found the razor blade.

Once the bathtub was full I slowly stepped in soaking the bottom of my dress.

I slid down, now sitting.

Water started to flow out of the tub.

I placed my arms on either side, grabbing the blade.

I looked at it before turning on the hot water and letting it flow on the lowest setting. Over flowing the tub.

The floor was now covered in water.

"This is it Julianna, for Asher."

With that I slit my left wrist.

The pain was horrible.

I took a few deep breaths as I feel tears running down my face.

I slowly lift up my arm, slitting my right wrist.

I drop the blade.

I place my arms back on either side.

I'm a crying mess.

A heavy breathing mess.

I slowly start to feel light headed.

I gently sink down under water.

My arms slipping in too.

I close my eyes.

I hear the water flowing.

I feel the stinging pain from my wrists.

And I feel my last heartbeats.

And I let out my last breath, drowning myself.

And bleeding to death.