Bonus Chapter- Ryder's POV

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Ryder

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Ryder.

I stare at the headstone of Vanessa's grave from afar, feeling deep guilt seep through my veins. I couldn't explain how much I regretted breaking her heart, not helping her, doing everything wrong I did.

I probably don't even deserve being here, at her funeral.

I remember staring at her empty eyes when she was pressing the trigger. I remember how they were red, how there remained no light in them, almost as if they had already died. I could never forgive myself for it.

I loved her. I still love her. I didn't know what drove me to hurt her to the point of making her kill herself. What drove me to hurt her at all.

Maybe it was Serena, who filled my head with all the photoshopped pictures of her cheating on me. Maybe it was Damien, who showed her the voicemail in which I called her just a bet. Or maybe it was me who thought I wasn't enough for her. But it was too late, she was already gone. Far away from me.

"YOU DID THIS TO MY DAUGHTER. YOU FUCKING PIG!!" I heard her mom, Mary get up from beside her grave and stalk towards me. She shouted profanities at me with a weak voice which sounded like it could die any second.

I didn't move though, even when she started pounding my chest with punches I allowed her too. Soon enough her brother, Vanessa's uncle, came and took her away, apologizing to me. He didn't know who I was as he came from Canada just yesterday for moral support and I was sure if he did know, he would not be the one saying sorry.

I muttered a low 'it's okay' even though they both had already left and stared into nothingness. Is this it? Is this how my life was going to be now? Living with guilt and pain? The guilt of doing this to the girl I love and the pain of not being able to help her during those times, of not being able to say goodbye properly.

I hated myself. Vanessa probably did too, and it crushed my already broken heart that she died in my arms, calling me a monster.

I was. A monster, that is. As I did nothing when those people bullied her. Instead, I stood there emotionless. But only I knew what I was feeling that time.

Even now, there were no traces of tears on my face. I was completely emotionless. It was as if someone had ripped everything from within me and left me empty.

I looked around, noticing her mom crying at a corner with her brother comforting her and I walked towards Vanessa's grave. I knelt down taking out the rose I had bought, before kissing the petals and placing it on her grave.

"I am sorry. I am so so sorry." I whispered lowly letting a lone tear fall out.

---

2 months later

I threw the tennis ball towards the wall, making it bounce back at me like a boomerang. Almost as if the wall was playing throw with me.

The room was silent, except for my breathing making the voice of it hitting the wall echo. After a few minutes, I let the ball bounce away and instead sat there staring at the empty walls.

I heard the sound of a door being opened and closed and then someone's feet nearing my bed, but my mind was too far away to notice who it was or what they wanted.

"Ryder?" I heard my mom's soft voice say and I hummed absentmindedly.

"Ryder?" She said again, but more firmly making me snap out of the daze I was in and look at her questionably.

"Oh my sweet child, what have you done to yourself?" She said worrisome, observing my pale face and thin body.

"Well, that's what happens when you don't eat for days," I said, chuckling with no humor but I guess it only made her more horrified by the gasp she made.

"You cannot be wasting your life like this, Ryder!" She exclaimed, suddenly angry.

I looked at her, all of my emotions from months rising up.

"So what do you expect me to do? Sing? Dance? Because I am so happy." I said, tears welling up in my eyes and her face immediately softened.

"No, I just want you to move on. She is gone and there is nothing you can do about it. But don't blame yourself for her death. Life goes on, time heals pain. Moping around all day won't bring her back, now will it? All you need is a fresh start and you will be all smiles again." She said cupping my face and laying a motherly kiss on my forehead before walking out.

Oh but mother you don't know, I am the one who should be blamed for her death as I was the one who drove her to that point.

I'll forever regret hurting her, forever regret letting her go.

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