fall +++++ j.h.

soft sand and soft skin

song: beautiful people, beautiful problems, lana del ray ft. stevie nix

jack

I didn't know where we were, all I knew was whatever music this girl listened to calmed me down, and I had to get her Spotify playlist. I had a habit of getting a little top jittery before games, and I'd been working on finding different ways to calm myself for years, and I certainly wasn't opposed to giving her playlist a try.
A man with a soft voice sang about a four leafed clover over Lila's speaker and she hummed quietly along with him. I was enjoying myself. We'd stopped for gas a few minutes in to our drive, and both she and I had taken off our jackets. It was warm enough in the cab now, and I took notice of what Lila was wearing; a black dress, like most of the girls at a club, literally anywhere, with long sleeves. She had a pair of light blue Vans that almost matched the color of her car. She'd pulled her hair up into a fast bun after filling her tank. Her transmission had a couple of ruffly hair ties that girls liked, and there were a couple of chapsticks and lip balm in her little console holder, but other than that, her truck was relatively clutterless. I still hadn't adjust to the lavender-vanilla like scent that pleasantly covered her car, but was just fine with that. Usually you could tell a lot about a person by their car, but with Lila, I was struggling. Her music strummed softly through the speakers as I thought about the peculiar girl I'd just met. Her soft voice and demeanor went along great with her music, and she seemed like one of the more outgoing people I'd ever met; but her car had almost nothing personal about it. No pictures, no dash decorations, no bumper stickers; it was clean, pristine, all except for the chapstick, hair ties, and mellow scent of her engulfing me and my thoughts.
I studied her as she drove. Her face showed nothing other than concentration, and her lips were quirked up at the side which I was starting to think was a constant thing for her. With her sandy hair pulled up, I could see her right ear. She had three piercings on her lobe, and several more on her cartilage. Lila's profile was like a Disney character's. Her small nose was upturned at the end, her nose ring glimmering whenever we passed beneath streetlight, her long eyelashes casting a shadow over her cheek, and bow lips full and red. From where I was sitting, I didn't think she was wearing make up, but if she was, it was practically invisible.
She took an exit off the freeway into a slower part of Newark downtown; one that was more family oriented, and more summer oriented, being by the beach. We drove for another couple minutes, bordering more into the summer homes/condos neighborhood that bordered the shops, before pulling off into a pullout over looking the light-sanded beach. She cut the engine, but left the radio still playing, and her headlights still on, turning to look at me.
"Better get your coat on buddy," her eyes gleamed as she pulled her own cover up on, opening the door and triggering the off for both the headlights and the stereos. She grabbed something from the back as I collected my things. I didn't ask questions as she grabbed her phone, and I grabbed mine, hoping out of the car while shrugging my windbreaker on. We came into stride as we followed a narrow, sand path down off the grassy bluff, onto the beach. Lila stopped just short of the fine sand, peeling off her shoes and socks and stuffing them in the big, blue bag she'd nabbed from the back seat. I felt inclined to do the same, due to the fact that I was wearing a nice new pair of Nike SB shoes I'd gotten a few days earlier. She held her bag out, and I placed my shoes in, on top of hers, and we both sunk our feet into the cold, soft sand. We trudged along for a few moments before Lila around to look at me as we walked, walking backwards herself.
"So, I know it's probably not what you expected, but just give it a chance, kay?"
I chuckled and nodded, for some reason trusting this girl more than I trusted a lot of people I'd known for years.
"It's a little late for a beach day," I teased when she stopped and pulled a large, beach blanket from her bag, along with an even bigger wool blanket.
"Can you hold this?" She asked, and I took the blue and teal patterned wool blanket from her so she could spread out the beach towel. After setting one of our shoes on each of the corners, she placed her bag beside her on the sand, and planted herself down just left of the center of the piece of cloth.
"Come on, goof." Another dazzling smile as she patted the space beside her. "I'm going to need that blanket."
I took my place beside Lila and spread the blanket over both of our shoulders. Our sides were plastered together, her warmth seeping and mixing with mine. She pulled her phone from her pocket, putting on some more of her oddly calming music, and it was a long couple of minutes before she spoke.
"So, Jack, this is just a prelude to our evening. But before we can have fun, what's wrong? You said you had a rough night, but I feel like it's way more than that." Her voice dropped an octave and a decibel, and breath caught in my throat when she asked my that question. Most of my close friends and teammates had attributed my strange behavior lately to stress, and looked no further into it, but Lila's dark grey eyes saw right through my front, and I felt paralyzed in the moment. With her huge, knowing eyes meeting mine, looking at me from behind long, dark lashes, I let myself tell the truth, real truth for the first time in a long time.
"A lot." Her shoulder bumped mine gently, and she blinked, turning her head away from me.
"I got the feeling."
"I just—" I paused for a long second. "I have everything I need, and I know it. But for some reason, getting what I want—what I need—is so much harder than I ever imagined."
Another long, almost sad, blink.
" And I'm good at what I do. Like really, really good. Maybe even the best, but it's hard right now, harder than ever before. And I mean, I expected it to be hard, but I'm getting crushed. And I just don't know if my best is enough. And that's terrifying because I've worked my whole life to get where I am, and what if I'm just not good enough."
My feelings came out in a rush, overwhelming with the weight that was lifted from my chest, and the nervous feeling in anticipation of what Lila would say. But Lila didn't say anything. She just let out a long, slow breath, and I watched it form a small cloud that shimmered in the light of the silver, half moon. Between our legs, the back of her fingers brushed mine, and gradually intertwined. The back of her small hand was pressed against my palm, both of our fingers curled over to touch her palm together. The connection was simple, mundane, and small, but the steps of my heart felt heavier, and the heat from her palm coursed through my finger tips, up my arm, and into chest. We sat there, no words, for minutes on end, listening to the waves crash, feeling the warmth of the other under the thick, scratchy blanket, and holding hands. Somehow, Lila had made me feel better without a single word; working with only human touch, the girl next to me had calmed my thoughts and relieved my conscious. And after some time, she turned to me, her voice almost to quiet to hear over the cacophony of noises.
"Your best is always enough. You just have to understand the only person who you're doing this for is yourself, and as long do everything you can, you should be ok with how things turn out."
I nodded, looking down at her, no doubt with a small smile on my lips, which she slowly, but surely matched. Refusing to let my confession dampen the evening, and spend what little time I had left with this strange, wonderful girl I'd probably never see again, in silence, I nudged her knee with mine.
"So what fun stuff are we doing tonight, Lila?"
With a quick, melodic like laugh, she jumped up, our hands separating and the blanket falling from our backs.
"Get up Jack, we're going swimming."
With quick movement, she unzipped her jacket, leaving her in her thin, black dress. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if she was kidding before she pulled me up to my feet, laughing.
"Hurry up, we're not getting any younger." And I soon followed suit, taking off my Devils jacket and dress shirt. We stood there in, me in my dark khakis, and her in her dark dress, laughing like idiots and smiling at each other like old friends as we headed down towards the crashing surf. Lila ran ahead into the rolling waves, reaching about ankle deep, letting out a throaty, larger than life laugh that warmed me from the core as I took my first step into the freezing water. I stopped to roll my pants up to around my knees before treading further into the water to meet the wild girl in front of me. The wind blew whips hair that escaped her bun around, and as we stood, in the frigid water, up lapping around our calves and knees, we laughed and smiled more than I had in the last three months combined.
"Ok," she admitted through chattering teeth. "Maybe not swim, but wading seems just fine," and I surpassed the sudden urge to wrap her in my arms, pulling her close to my bare chest.
I bent down a bit, and dipped my hands in the water before splashing her legs lightly. She let out a delighted, surprised yelp when the cold water hit her dress and sunk through to her skin. Quick after, she did the same to me, and soon enough the splashes got bigger, and we were running around in the shallow water, avoiding each other's assaults with the Atlantic water. My stupid smile was still stuck on my frozen face as I ran up behind Lila, hoisting her up, and spinning her around before setting her back down. Faster than the speed of light, she'd turned to me mischievous smile on her impish face, and gave me one, good, forceful shove backwards. Off balance from the spinning, and with strange footing on the sand floor, I staggered back, well aware I was about to fall. It happened in slow motion; I was fully aware of what was happening, but helpless in regards to stopping it. Right before I went down for good, I grabbed her waist in an act of vengeance.
If I'm going down, you're going down with me.
The cold water shocked my body, and tore the air from my lungs. I felt Lila's legs tangle with mine, her arms wrapping around my waist like mine were around her's when we were submerged. The warmth from our contact canceled out whatever cold I'd been feeling. When our heads broke the surface of the shallow water, I gulped for the cold, night air that stung my lungs as I breathed it in. I could hear Lila do the same, arms now wrapped around my neck, legs straddling mine as we sat on sandy bottom in the shallow water. My face was numb, but I could tell that it was split by a grin.
Pulling back a bit, but still straddling my legs, Lila looked at me, bewilderment etched on forehead.
"How dare you!" She gave my shoulder a good hearted punch. "I said no swimming."
I laughed and shrugged. "I go down, you're coming with me."
An incredulous laugh stumbled from her doll lips, and her teeth chattered as she shook her head. When I tried to speak again, I realized that I was chattering too, and with a closer look, Lila's lips were a dark shade of purple.
"I think it's time to get out," I told her through clicking teeth.
"Yeah, I agree," she giggled as she shivered, and pushed herself up from the water.
The whipping wind almost made the cold water worse as we shivered our way back up to our beach cloth. We made quick work of cleaning up, stuffing everything we had except for our jackets into the bag. After running back to the truck, barefoot, Lila threw open the driver's side door and I jumped into the passenger's seat. She busied herself cranking the heat and connecting the music, while I grabbed the wool blanket and tossed it around her shoulders. Momentarily, I received a grateful glance before she returned to creating a queue of music for our time in the car.
Once our teeth stopped chattering, and she got over the fact that even though swimming was cut from the plan, we did it anyway, she told me where she was taking me next.
"You ever heard of a diner on Wayne called Jax?"
"Nah, why?"
A smile greeted me, per usual. "Well you're about to have the best damn late night snack of your life."
And with that; with the cab warm, smelling like lavender, and both of us still wet from the frigid Atlantic ocean, we pulled away from the beach, and headed off to our next destination.