Shake it up

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'Could it be any worse?'

Everyone knows not to say that.

Because it can.

And it did.

* * * * *

April 14, 2017

"So you want to shake your shoulders?"

"Have to." I correct Danielle, my psychologist. "And I don't really shake them, I just bring them up and down or side to side more forcefully." As I say that, I do it, just as I described it. I didn't mean to do it, like an example or something, but I thought about doing it so I obviously had to do it.

She takes a few notes and looks back at me.

I let out a high pitched sound.

"And what about your nose?"

"I'm sorry?" I ask, confused. What about it?

I lift my shoulders up and down, then side to side.

"You twitch it."

As she says so I realize it. I am indeed twitching my nose every few seconds. Damn it! I thought I had it under control like I control chewing the insides of my mouth-

I let out a groan of frustration and I stop chewing the insides of my mouth and twitching my nose. Well, I'm sure not for long.

I let out a high pitched sound.

"Are you stressed? Scared? Can you think of anything that might trigger this?"

"No idea," I say, frowning, trying to think of something. I lean back in the soft chair. I have absolutely no reason. None. I have that exam, but it's not really stressing me out. Even if it was, I had moments in life when I was way more stressed than now and I didn't have any problems. So why is this happening now?

I let out a high pitched sound.

I lift my shoulders up and down.

I twitch my nose.

I resume chewing the insides of my mouth, now working on a sore spot.

"Okay," says Danielle, putting the notepad away. "Can you relax and close your eyes? Let's do a bit of meditation too see if it helps."

I nod and close my eyes. Deep down I absolutely despise meditation. I hate sitting still and not doing anything more than anything in the world, but I'm desperate. I'm open to everything and anything.

I let out a high pitched sound.

"Don't think of the things around you. Clear your brain. Focus entirely on your breathing."

I do as she says. I focus on my breathing. Breath in, breath out. But now that I am not thinking about anything else, the tics are more clear in my head. Breath in, breath out. If I occupy my mind with something else, I  can forget about tics for a while. Breath in, breath out. They are getting stronger. I can't relax. I need to do something. I can't just sit here thinking about them, I can't.

I let out a high pitched sound.

I lift my shoulders up and down.

Twitching my nose and chewing the insides of my mouth is a constant thing now.

"I can't relax, I 'm sorry," I say as I open my eyes. I reach forward to the glass of water in front of me. I drink it all, in big gulps. For some reason, the ice-cold water soothes the feeling in my throat.

Not for too long.

I let out a high pitched sound. I let out a high pitched sound.

* * *

What I need is some peace

Some time for myself

Without the trouble of

The tics that I have

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