CHAPTER 11 Looping Around

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copyright 2017 Chris Smith  All rights reserved.

"Kiss me

until the tremors stop

until the tears dry

until there is no more me

there is only us."


I was living in a loop. It was the same day on repeat. I was riding an emotional roller coaster. So when I had a spare moment, it was all I could do to let myself drift off. It was the only break I got. And drift off I did. Every. Fucking. Chance. I. Got.

When I wasn't drifting I was trying to get through the day. And deal with the inflow and outflow of communication. Some days was barely able to get anything productive done. Though I'm not sure what counted for productive in times like these.

Every afternoon I'd wait for Dad to come home and spill the beans on what was going on. I wanted answers and yet dreaded the answers that I knew would come. We were operating in a world that I had no experience in, a world I not only didn't like but distrusted. We were at the mercy of the "smart" people and I was helpless.

"So, how's it going?" I asked.

"Good. I took her to the showers today," Dad said as he grabbed some clean clothes.


"Yep. The nurses said I could. So I took her down there myself," Dad said.

"How was it?" I asked.

"I'm not sure it was the smartest thing to do because she's so weak and I was uptight. But I got her clean," Dad said.

I pictured the two of them, sporting clean skin and wet hair, walking down the long hallway back to Mom's hospital room. I wondered if anyone noticed. I wondered if anyone got down on their knees in reverence when they passed. I wondered if anyone knew, like I did, how amazing and beautiful they were together.

I was removed from everything that was happening. But involved enough to have more than one occasional for the eye rolls. Information was flowing but not a diagnosis yet. We were searching for answers in the dark. All we had was a flashlight whose batteries were flicking with the sign of certain death.

My insides were torn up most days and my mind was no longer a friend. It tormented me with thoughts which fired off an endless supply of emotions. I wanted to scream. I wanted to reach inside and claw the feelings out of me with my bare hands.


But there was no waking up. There was no safe place to go. Darkness had crawled into our world and we had no choice but to face it. Maybe it had been here all along. Maybe it had slipped in-between the cracks. Maybe it was caused by a life lived too close to the edge.



Days in Hospital: 10

Tests done:

EKG (for heart)

CAT Scan on brain

CAT Scan on body/organs (less limbs)

MRI on brain

Biopsy on enlarged lymph nodes in pelvis (sample no good)

Pet Scan - Aug 16

Bone Marrow Biopsy - Aug 17

Lumbar Puncture - Aug 17

TEST RESULTS (from today & yesterday): Waiting on Labs

Dad said yesterday was Mom's best day so far in her brain, and physically (less her being angrier than a bulldog) in months.

The Physical Therapist says Mom is doing good. But she needs to be up and out of that bed every hour. It's not getting up and moving that's the issue, it's that she doesn't have a lot of energy with her lack of desire to eat.

The tests they did on her today (Bone Marrow Biopsy & Lumbar puncture) were very unpleasant tests to do, according to Dad. He said he was with her for both of them, holding her hand, supporting her through the discomfort. He said she did well.

I talked to her today and read all the messages to her. She told me she was getting dressed and coming home tonight.

I told her, "No you aren't. You need to focus on your healing."

She said, "Yes I am. I'm tired of this s...t!"

Can't say as I blame her.

This is all starting to really hit my Dad, Brother, and myself, even my Mom. I can see it in her face. It's hard to miss the fact that she's in the hospital. It's hard to miss all the testing they are doing on her. It's hard to miss how frail she looks.

The emotions come in waves. One minute you feel okay, and the next you're crumbling in tears, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

In the words of Bill Paxton in the movie Aliens, "This ain't fracking happening!"

When you've had a tough day, lighten the load with laughter. Watch, read or listen to something that makes you laugh! Laughter is good medicine (Dad & I watched "The Hangover 2" the other night and laughed our butts off)!

Blessings to you and yours,

c :)

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