My Hero Academia: Oneshots

🍋Drunk Fanfiction 6: Jesus in space

We're back at it again. This time with a brand new funk. As usual: read with caution.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived two people- one with a quirk, and one without. There was a girl who could float, even soar, high above others. She was a hero to all those around her, and seeing her high in the sky, there was a boy who fell in love with her.

And now, in this land far, far away, the two were out together. Walking, talking, and making their merry way to the nicest restaurant in town, Rumpcougars. The boy had made a reservation for them there, and though he seemed calm on the outside, on the inside he was a nervous as he could be. It was his first, and may only chance to make a lasting impression on the floating girl.

He impressed her by making slurpee noises with his mouth. Just before he was able to seal the deal, suddenly a wormhole appeared. Through this chasm in time and space flew two large men, one blonde and one older. "DIOOOOO!" The older man called out, but it was lost over the repeated sounds of "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDAAAA!" filling the room.

Uraraka and her date shrieked as the two Fist-of-the-Northstar-level muscular dudes crashed through their table. The boy immediately went on the defensive- he had to defend the honor of his woman, even if it cost him his life!

He jumped in front of his floating waifu, using his body as a shield. She blushed at his bravery, but then thought "This guy is a fucking idiot." And suddenly- it happened. The enemy was no longer interested in him. It singled out a large, scruffy haired man in the corner. As it lunged at the stranger, he lifted his enormous fists up and he smashed them down, sending tables and food flying everywhere before saying "My name is Ralph, and I'm gonna wreck it."

"Oh? Are you approaching me?" Dio boasted, before Ralph pounded him into a bloodstain on the wall. Ralph then gave Uraraka the same seductive stare Dio gives Jonathan's decapitated head, "I wasn't talking about wrecking him..." unzipping his pants.

"ZA WARUDO!" Yelled a bloodstain on the wall, before a loud pulse froze all of space and time. The bloodstain that was Dio then morphed into Randy Orton and performed an RKO out of nowhere on Ralph. Ralph knew this was time to take the fall or else Vince McMahon would murder his family. WWE was losing money though and needed something more exciting, so out of nowhere Stone Cold Steve Austin came with a truck and drove over Dio before the 3-count. "Austin 3:16 says: I just rolled over your ass!"

"My love, we must flee!" The boy took his girl by the hand a fled.

"No," she told him, "a hero never runs away!" He blinked and suddenly she was wearing plot-relevant armor. Strange how that works, isn't it?

The boy saluted his girl, as did he penis, in which the balls act as hands of sorts in emergency situations. Suddenly she told him, "You have a quirk!" It then dawned on the boy that, yes, he did indeed have a quirk- that his dick was literally another person. But because the boy had not compared dicks with other guys or talked about dicks with others guys due to his enormous amount of heterosexuality, he simply thought that everyone's penis was the same as his.

"You mean yours isn't like this?!" he screamed to his lover. She looked confused. They'd need to have a rather intimate anatomy lesson later.

"I'm a girl! I don't have one!"

"Oh. Then what do you have? Show me."

"You cant just ask a girl something like that! It's not like I like you or anything, dummy BAKA!"

"But it's for SCIENCE, my love!"

"Did someone say science???" a random scientist from that hentai you watched last week interjected. "By drinking this TOTALLY safe potion I've concocted, you too can grow a penis!"

"NANI?" Uraraka exclaimed, as exaggerated as weebs get when they say shit like this. While her mouth is gaping open, the boy takes the potion and pours it down her throat. "Problem solved!"

Her undulating penis then erupts from her clit in her pants, tearing them open and then growing THREE TIMES larger. Uraraka's eyes turn red as she turns around and faces the boy. "Now IMMA do the wreckin'..."

But then the boy thought suddenly about his love- how would they decide whose penis would open up to accept the others when they made sweet, hot, passionate love together?

"That's not how this works." Uraraka's new sentient penis replied- as if it read his mind- in a voice low and husky and BUTCH like Luke Bryan or some shit. Maybe Harrison Ford. I dunno, I wasn't there. That would be inappropriate.

Suddenly the two rival dongs fought for DOMINANCE; a glistening swordfight of TOXIC MASCULINITY. But eventually, only one reigned victorious...

The fight was ended suddenly and the boy's magnum dong revealed it's ultimate ability- semenray. The boy ejaculated lazer beams at the rival flesh thermometers and destroyed them, returning his lover to her formal vaginal state. All was well with the world again, except for the fact that the boy now had plot relevant armor that was completely crotchless. He would now defend the world with his DNA rifle.

The date was superb, and his floating lover taught him all about where to put his one-eyed yogurt slinger. He just had to make a promise with his majesty in purple cap that it wouldn't talk during the act itself, because that would be too weird, even for this story.

And they lived happily ever after, until they learned the boy didn't have a quirk, but some alien STD that killed him in a fiery explosion. May he rest in piece.

Thank you for putting up with our shenanigans. Have a lovely day.