Chapter 20: Money Part Two: SoHo

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FIRST of all, Tribeca was a freaking wasteland. Like wth even was a Ganzervele and what exactly was the point of Gates Towers? There was apparently nothing to do in Tribeca except own a loft? Like why even exist if you’re going to be such a boring area. Awesome. So much to look forward to, if she managed to actually buy this loft. 

Quickly realizing the utter pointlessness of Tribeca, Kim shot over to SoHo before she’d wasted too much time. SoHo was more like an actual city, or as close to an actual city as this dumb world ever got, anyway. 

The first thing she saw when she got off the Metro was the familiar, welcoming sign of Kardash. Kim almost tripped over herself trying to get inside.

“Kardash! Work! Me! Now!” Kim sputtered frantically to Roz Bradley, the manager. She ran over to a nearby table and began folding blouses. “This is a 3-hour shift!” she called over to Roz, who shrugged and went back to staring off into the distance.

Kim Posed Mannequins and Faced Purses and Cuted Outfits and generally hustled like whoa. In the end Roz threw $200 in Kim’s general direction. 

Um. Kim stared in disbelief at the money. $200 in 3 hours. This was a problem.

“Do you need help? Looking to take care of some things around here?” Roz asked.

Kim entertained a brief fantasy of punching Roz in the face, grabbing the register and running for it. Kate the Sister Witch hadn’t said anything explicitly AGAINST the use of violence in pursuit of her goals, but it was probably frowned upon?

Kim wondered if Roz would listen to reason. “Look. I’m a friend of Kim’s. I manage the Miami store. I’m a buyer. I’m like, important.” Kim wasn’t 100% sure if any of this was actually true, since she hadn’t shown up for work or spoken to Kim in forever. “Can I, like, borrow from the store?”

Roz just stared at Kim. “Do you need help? Looking to take care of some things around here?” Roz asked.

“UGH EVERYONE HERE IS USELESS!” Kim screamed as she ran outside. 

She had 9 hours left. What could she do. There was a fancy bar named Oak right next door. She went inside and the maitre’d asked her if she was there for the 8-hour D-Lish party. 

“I don’t know what that is but definitely yes,” Kim said.

The maitre’d rolled her eyes and let her in. 

Kim Entertained the hell out of Oak for the next 8 hours. She ate Hors D’oeuvres, she Schmoozed, she Mingled and Had a Drink. 

She actually had a good time and felt like Okay Yes, I’m good at this, and 8 hours passed like nothing and someone handed her a wad of cash on her way out the door. 


$800! “THIS SUCKS!” Kim yelled at no one in particular.

She had one hour to come up with another $9000 or 30 K-Stars or she would be a faceless nobody for the rest of eternity while Willow Pape dragged her non-existant butt to every party and premiere and show and event that should have been Kim’s. 

What could she do in an hour. Basically nothing. She started frantically running up and down the street, smacking skateboards and fire hydrants for loose change. This lasted approximately 5 minutes before she realized she was completely embarrassing herself.

She saw the the bullhorn hovering nearby and touched it. “ONE HOUR” it shrieked at her. Kim took her purse off her shoulder and began swinging it at the bullhorn. “ONE HOUR ONE HOUR ONE HOUR” it squawked over and over again each time she hit it. She really put her back into it, she was determined to smash that stupid bullhorn.

“Oh my god, you are the hottest mess, what on earth are you doing?” a voice behind her said.

Kim turned and saw Kate the Witch staring in horror at her.

“I’m trying to give myself more time!” Kim said. 

“Hmm. You actually kind of have the right idea but I’ve never seen someone go about it so inelegantly,” Kate responded.

“Well I only have an hour left and I still need nine thousand more dollars to buy a stupid loft I don’t even want, I’m never going to make it and I’m a failure and this is SO STUPID and WHY IS TRIBECA SO BORING and I hate the E-List and I hate E V E R Y T H I N G!” Kim melted into a sobbing mess of tears and sweat. Her skin was unbearably shiny from all that running around, she could feel it.

“Okay,” Kate said, very calmly. “But how much time do you have left?”

“An hour! I just said! You’re not even listening!”

“Kim. There is an hour left in the challenge. I’m asking you how much time YOU have.”

Kim looked around like Does anyone else around her see how little sense this witch is making? “An. Hour,” Kim said. “One hour. Zero one. One. A single hour.”

“Are you sure?”


“Are you sure?”


“Are you SURE?”


“KIM. It sounds like you are letting external forces dictate your internal chronology.”

“I don’t know what that means but I feel like this conversation has been going on for an hour so I guess that’s it’s it, my time is up. I’m E-List forever. Is my face disappearing? I feel like my face is disappearing.”

“Kim your face is not disappearing. You are subscribing to Fake Ideas about time and energy. Your phone is the truth. Look at your phone..”

Kim looked at her phone. For the first time (had that been there all along?) she noticed an app called Time. She opened it up and looked at it. It was a dial. 

“What is this.” Kim touched the dial and immediately the people walking all around her slowed their pace, their limbs hanging in mid-air, their exclamations and word bubbles slowly quivering by their lips, un-popped.

“Um.” Kim looked from the people to her phone and back again.

“She’s getting it, folks,” Kate said “Synapses are firing.”

“So, I can control time,” Kim said.

Kate shrugged. “I don’t know about YOU, but witches can, anyway.”

“I can speed up and slow time and earn all the money I need before the timer runs out,” Kim said. 

“Right???” Kate said, her voice dripping in disbelief. “It’s almost like time and money are related somehow! So how much time do you have left?”

Kim looked at her. “All of it.”

Kate smiled and winked. “See you back at your loft.”

Kate disappeared and Kim slowed everyone else down while she sped herself up. She did a longer shift at Kardash. She went on a date with Michelle to try and patch up their Friendship. She made an appearance at some famous writer’s wedding at Oak, and someone there liked her style and invited her to a photo shoot at Muse. One thing led to another and everything found a way. 

Kim made it back to the loft and bought the loft from Sandra for $10,000 cash just as the timer ran out. Then she used some extra money she’d earned to buy a bed, which she immediately flopped down on. Kate appeared and flopped down next to her. 

“You have learned to call Money, the first Corner,” Kate said, stroking Kim’s hair. “How do you feel, my dear?”

“Exhausted and gross but potentially wealthy,” Kim said. 

“Sounds about right,” Kate said. “Welcome to the D-List.” 

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