Elantine Editing [Closed]

@StoryWritersNeverLie - Falling on a Landmine

Overall Review - StoryWritersNeverLie

The conflicts between your characters are well chosen. I like Ainsley's reaction to staying at home: the way she expresses bitterness despite feeling worried makes her a round character I'd be interested to read about. I also like her talent - something I thought was new - and what her father thinks of it. The fact that they're afraid the media will use her might sound silly to Ainsley, but I think it's a clever thought for you to centre their worry/excuses on. You also write dialogue really well.

There is, however, one major thing I noticed from the start. You tell a lot. When you start your novel, you start it by explaining who Ainsley is, what the city of Erifort is, how it works, etc. Although you do use body language to express emotions (and you did that really well), there are several places where you explain how people are feeling or what they are thinking. Try showing. 

Easier said than done, I know, but something every writer must learn. Dialogue can help a lot to do this: what are people saying to each other? Their actions also explain things. I'd suggest not explaining things at the start of the story, but making us jump right into the story... and letting us discover for ourselves what the city is like. For example, villains and heroes alike wear masks. You could show us that later when Jacheal is going out, when he puts a mask on. Maybe someone complains about having to put the masks on, and someone else says they have to keep their identity hidden - that would show us exactly what you're currently telling us in the first paragraph. 

Later, you tell us about how Ainsley worries - is there any way you can show us that? You have already made a three-dimensional character; now is there any way you can show us how she feels, how she thinks, just from her actions and words (without telling us)?

I also found one inconsistency: villains and heroes have to keep their masks on to hide their identities - and yet when the 'two of the finest' don't manage to capture the villain, everyone knows who they are on the media. That seems inconsistent - an aspect of the world I've either misunderstood or you might want to revise. 

Apart from that, your story has potential. I like where it's going, the conflict and the characters. The argument you crafted was well-made and realistic. There might be a few stereotypes (I haven't looked far enough to be sure) but so far, you've made characters who are unique and complex. Especially the MC. Nice! 

Please ask me anything if you have questions and feel free to leave feedback on the way I've reviewed your work.