xii. will you love this part of me?

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annoying you with smoke signals asking you for help
'cause your immediate presence lifts me straight away from hell
– cuco, lover is a day

« i added the song, give it a listen »

• •

there really wasn't much left of chae.

at all.

she was hollowed out, whatever filled her, they spilled... spilled, slowly and surely, drip— drip; then frantic quivering hands made their way to where the spillage came from, but it wasn't hers, rather somebody else's.


she should not really, but chae can only really look, mesmerized, moved... she thought no one would, nobody fucking cared enough, nobody understood.

she was mistaken.

really deeply... mistaken.

lisa was there, she had always been there, she didn't know how to take care of herself, but she was the best in taking care of chaeng. the girl had always been all crooked and sharp edges, who hurt and bruised; nonetheless she had delicateness only reserved for chaeng, only for her.

chaeng did not comprehend that, did not believe that really.

who would have?

she was no less than ordinary, bland, nothing more than; pretty fucking boring.

who would have? exactly, nothing.

and nothing was lalisa manoban.

whose blood are those?

blue, it was all blue... then red, and black on someone's hands; jagged pieces being tempered back together, cutting into flesh, this wasn't ruination rather reconstruction.

there were no words, no words, as she slowly opened her eyes she saw the truth in how lisa loved, so much dedication, reckless abandon, delicacy, and gentle kisses, it was— all or nothing.

lisa loved so much, with all her being, with all her soul. she loved so much that as tantalizing as it was, chaeng began to retrace her steps into loving again, to feeling again, to hoping again.

she woke up from the haze, from the 'i'm so sad, this world is fucking bleak' haze, and she woke up on that particular afternoon.

it went like this:

"you stink—" came out muffled as lisa's face was pressed against chae's armpit, and despite her statement she kept on sniffling.

"then why are you burying your face there specifically." an incredulous laughter and a scrunched nose was chaeyoung's response.

lisa wouldn't stop instead she began to nuzzle her face against it, her slender fingers then found chaeng's side, she pushed up the shirt to expose her girl's stomach, then her fingers trailed along the exposed skin.

a gasp made by chaeng had come out.

lisa continued, she searched for her ticklish parts, and soon laughter erupted, enveloping them in a nice and warm and secured space.

chaeng's eyes truly opened.

her salvation was dressed like a girl with a smug smile, like a broken being with light seeping through the cracks, like a girl, like a girl, like her girl... lisa.

"i missed that."

chaeng nodded, she knew.

"i missed you."

chaeng nodded, she knew.

"i love you,"

chaeng smiled, she knew, and she loved her too.

"now say it back."

now chaeng laughed.

"baby, say it back."

chaeng couldn't resist that pout, so she pulled lisa closer to her and pressed her lips against hers, she kissed lisa like there was no tomorrow, like this was their end, and she wouldn't be able to kiss her again.

she took her breath away, and when she did, she said: "i love you too, lisa."

"yeah?" lisa asked with dreamy sleepy eyes, "you still stink though."

chaeng's waking didn't stop there.

the statement "you stink" was only lisa's ploy into getting her to stand up and take a bath with her. so there they sat inside the tub, their lanky legs folded, knees pressed against each other, hair both tied into buns, and smiles plastered on each other's faces.

then a freight train hit park chaeyoung, it deafen her ears. holy shit, this was it. no one could ever love her more than this. it's lisa, always had been, always will be.

it was all of a sudden, the emotions, her eyes began to water, and soon she found herself reaching out for lisa, lisa looked worried but she didn't explain anything yet.

lisa moved as to let chaeng straddle her lap, chaeng then looked into her eyes, tears began to fall down, it was one tear, then another, until it cascaded like a waterfall.

"no— there's nothing wrong, not anymore." the blonde began her explanation, she laughed through her tears upon seeing the scrutiny in lisa's beautiful features. "you– you made it bearable, i love you so much, it's so..." words were difficult to grasp, "thank you, lisa, thank you."

they kissed, again and again and again, until they covered every portion of each other's skin with love.

"i'm always going to be here..." lisa uttered, whispered, she even added: "even when you stink" with that goofy smile chaeng loved so much.

kinda woke up at 3 am, got sad, wrote this and cheered up.

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