intro: already that bitch

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The video starts with a long row of deep red plastic trays on a slow-moving conveyer belt. Inside each deep red plastic tray is a baby, and each of those babies has a tiny pair of VR goggles strapped to their heads. Probably because they're too dumb to know how to hold screens in their stupid baby hands.

"Welcome to the Secure Future Academy for Babies, and the patented cradle-to-career pipeline," the video says. "Your first line of defense against a boring and unglamorous life.

"Are you too busy building and maintaining your personal brand to manage your child's? The city of Wood2 has always prided itself on its total devotion to and support for the celebrities who live here. You're grinding 24/7 to entertain and inspire your fans with thoughtful and well-executed brand interactions - why should you have to take time out of your journey to focus on someone else's?"

As the video continues there's shots of the building, shots of old people tending to large clumps of babies, shots of babies doing whatever dumb random baby stuff; babies highly focused and learning in classrooms, babies getting the hang of what it means to swipe left vs right, babies starting to win online games, etc.

"The Secure Future Academy is Wood2's premiere cooperative childcare platform and instructional brand awareness facility. Just leave your child with us and you never have to think about them again. Here, children grow up in a safe, nurturing environment where they will be taught everything they need to be a successful celebrity with an amazing life. Their timelines will be filled with thoughtfully curated content to foster not only a positive sense of self, but an entrepreneurial influencer mindset. They'll receive special promoted instruction on such topics as Authenticity, Brand Loyalty, Hater Deflection, and Inspirational Phrases."

Qynka, age 9, pauses the video and inhales deeply, shaking her head. She hops off her bed and walks quickly out of her room and down the hall. The large robotic insect that was perched on her wall, watching her with its 3 camera eyes, immediately follows. Its 6 metallic legs click against the wall and ceiling as it chases down the hallway behind her. Qynka is a chubby girl, confident and extremely idgaf. She's wearing a midriff-baring holographic halter top and leggings by HoneyGLo. Girls twice her age will see her in this outfit and fling themselves off a rooftop with jealousy. Her hair is in kinky waves in a bright neon gradient that starts yellow on one side, goes green in the middle, and ends up pink on the other side.

She rounds a corner and enters her twin sister Qannen's bedroom. One entire wall of Qannen's bedroom is mirrored and she's filming herself in a remixed Target bathing suit. Qannen's hair is similarly styled but in a different color gradient (purple to pink). They basically seem identical but Qannen's half an inch shorter and has a completely different energy than her sister - an 8.5 to Qynka's 10. Qynka walks into a room and its her room. Qannen is the one you notice 10 minutes later in a crowd in the corner, not paying attention to anyone else in the room and having the best time.

The zonny - the robotic insect that followed Qynka into this room - crawls along the wall of Qannen's room and takes up a spot directly across the room from the zonny that was already in here watching Qannen.

"Are you up on this secure babies sh*t???" Qynka asks.

"Bitch WHAT," Qannen says.

"I'M SAYING, LOOK," Qynka says, dragging her sister onto the bed with her. "I"m freakin out man." She scrolls the video back almost to the beginning and they stare at it together.

"We'll help your children learn and grow and become who they truly are. At age 10 children are brought to the Tower, where they select their permanent UBI - their unique brand identifier, by which they'll be called the rest of their life, wherever their personal journey may lead.

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