Ghosts ✔

091 • Dana

Dana had slumped down on the couch, her feet on the coffee table. Her head was leaning against Kozik's shoulder as they were watching the newest Harry Potter. She missed the first but it wasn't hard to understand and she actually didn't care much. It just felt familiar to sit here with him. To sit next to someone who didn't call up conflicting feelings. A week had passed since her return, but nothing felt the same, it felt like she had to get to know them all again. She hadn't seen Juice in days, she had avoided the clubhouse. Yesterday she had dinner with Kip, where after Casper had spent the night at his place.

She regretted the kiss on the roof.

Not because she felt guilty towards Juice, but because she had only made things more complicated. She had no idea how to define her feelings for Kip; deep down she knew Juice was still the one she wanted to be with. And even though she had told Kip that he wasn't some kind of rebound, he actually was.

If she ever wanted a relationship with him, she couldn't build one before she was over Juice, otherwise it felt unfair. If she wanted to go for him, she wanted to go all in. She had shared her thoughts with Kip and he had agreed with her: because of Casper it was important they got along well, so they needed to be honest and open for conversation. Of course she knew it didn't leave him indifferent; he still had feelings for her and he also felt her longing for him. Knowing that someone was longing for your love but being unable to answer it, was anything but easy. Right now however, Dana wanted to work on herself before she would throw herself into a new relationship - with whoever that relationship would be. She had to find a job, so she could afford her own place and could lead her own life again.

Maddox was gone, but she wasn't free yet.

Kozik nudged her shoulder. "You watchin' at all?"

"My head is too loud," she sighed.

"That was the reason we started a movie. To distract you."

"Well it ain't workin'."

He turned a little more towards her. "What is it?"

She shrugged. "I just don't know what I want with my life. You know - Maddox has influenced my life for ten years. I don't even know who I am without him, what job I would like, what I would have studied when..." Sighing, she bent her head. "It feels like I've killed a part of myself too."

Kozik pulled her closer and kissed her temple. "That's not weird. It takes time to discover what you want, Dane. To set goals. For years you've worked to get rid of that asshole and now you need to find closure." He raked a hand through her hair. "You sleep any better?"

She stared at the floor. "No."

Nightmares had always been there, but especially now Maddox was no longer alive she was plagued by them every single night. She dreamed about Tabitha; again and again she had to watch how Maddox squeezed her head. Other times she dreamed that he somehow survived, killing Casper in revenge. Every time she woke up, she couldn't move. All she could do was staring at the ceiling, completely paralyzed, until she started to cry, longing so desperately for Juice's arms that she was close to calling him.

"If you have another nightmare... Just know you can crawl into my bed, Dane. If that makes you less anxious..." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "I promise I keep my hands on top of the blankets."

She chuckled softly. "If not, Amy's cutting 'em off?"

"Nah, she ain't that violent."

"Don't you think it's bothering her if I share a bed with you? You told me she wanted to take things slow so I assume you haven't done it... I don't want her to think that you're cheating on her." She hadn't forgotten about Juice's words.

"She'll understand. She knows what things you've gone through."

Dana nodded slowly, although she didn't plan on taking the offer. It was sweet - and Kozik really was a sweetheart, but once she was living alone, there would neither be someone to share a bed with. Except for her son, but she didn't want to keep him awake with all her tossing and turning.

Someone knocked on the door and Kozik got up. "I thought he'd never come."

A moment later he returned to the living room, followed by Happy. Dana scrunched her nose as she saw the three pizza boxes he was carrying. Who the hell wanted to eat pizza so close to midnight?!

These two men - she realized when they started to stuff their mouths with the food.

"I thought you'd fallen asleep," she said to her brother. "We've started a movie by now."

Happy smirked. "Girl, after five years without sex I got a lot of catchin' up to do. So many new pussies..."

Dana rolled her eyes. She thought back to the last time she had sex herself - right before she killed Maddox. The fact that he had been her last, gave her a bitter taste.

It felt as if Happy had caught her thoughts when he asked: "You're finally gonna tell us how you killed the fucker?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Dana said snippy.

No way that she was going to tell her brother that they'd done some bondage game, that she had rode him right before she jammed a knife in his neck.

"Talkin' is good."

She scoffed. "As if you ever talk about anything! You've been in jail with dad for five fuckin' years and you've told me shit about him."

"Ain't much to say kid."

"Well there's neither much to say about Maddox. He's gone, I jammed a knife in his throat."

Happy snorted, pulling off a piece of his pizza with his teeth. "And you're supposed to be family? C'mon girl, I've been inside for five years because of that piece of shit, I deserve a detailed description of how you killed the bastard."

Tears jumped into her eyes. "I don't wanna talk about it okay? Just leave me alone!" Jumping up, she rushed to her room. He had never been there for her when she needed a person to talk to and now he wanted to talk? Even after her first escape he had barely shared three words with her and now he expected her to tell her about one of the most heavy days of her life?

Sitting down on the bed she wiped her eyes. Suddenly feeling lonely, she wrapped her arms around herself.

"You miss me, baby? I told you we belonged together..."

Goosebumps raced across her back as she heard his voice in her head. The worst however was that it was true; Ruben's arms around her were still better than no arms around her. His sudden absence shocked her, the unexpected pain making her feel sick. Bending forward she threw up, sobbing, her fingers combing through her hair.

She barely heard how the door was opened, how Kozik sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. Crying, she leaned into his embrace.

"Hey... what's going on baby? You're sick?" He petted her hair.

"I'm disgusted with myself," she whispered.

"Why?"

She pressed her lips together, she couldn't tell him. She was crazy, completely insane.

Kozik rubbed her shoulders. "Why, Dane?"

She had never hid anything from Kozik; all the times Happy hadn't been there for her, Kozik had. Flinching, she whispered: "Because I miss him."