170 Letters[From a dream I had]

507 14 5

Day 1.

Dearest Shan, I miss you almost already. Not sure I've yet let go. I packed my bag, put on some tea for you, and took the train. You see, I care a great deal about you and Shia, more-so than myself. Too much to have you suffer like this. I'm sorry for the weight I've left on your fragile shoulders, Shan. It's alot less than if I were to stay. I'm not getting better, I'm still not right. I'm afraid I've trapped you, and it's been that pattern since we've met. You are my one and only love, please know this. It almost breaks me to a noose, leaving you behind. When I lose it all, I swear to you I'll never lose the love. When I pray at nights, I pray for always you, knowledge of you, understanding and well-being of you. For me not to forget the day we met, how my guts felt the first time I caught your eyes, or how warm your waist is- unconsciously I believe I'm praying to you, It'd make sense, there's no one else I believe in. I'm following trains, hoping they'll take me as far away from you as possible, darling. Forgive me, for leaving. Forgive me for everything, and now the terrible thing I've done. Something horrid I wouldn't dare to even whisper, not now. Forgive me without knowing what I've done, forgive me for with-holding a single secret from you, Shannon. Please hold my Shia for me, please don't tell her how much of a coward I am. Don't tell her how stupid I am, don't tell her those stories weren't make believe. Please let her believe I was pretending to be a ridiculous fool, and the stories and adventures were to shield her from boredom. I wanted to spend another 5 years with you, and be there for Shia. She's just as beautiful as you are, which is terribly hard to do. At just 4 she's able to break my heart with the drop of a smile, just imagine what she'll do in 20 years. 20 years I won't see, 20 years I won't even have the time to dream of. Shan, I've made up my mind to save you while I'm failing. No need to drag you along for the trip, when all I'm going is down. I left Shia in her room, I locked her in. She has lots of things to entertain her, I put on the home video collab I made. I made her a few sandwiches, just in case you took longer at the market than I'd thought. She might be thirsty for some lemonade, Shan. Spoil my girl, I'm sure she'll want some lemonade. Our girl, she's fearless, never afraid. Sometimes I fear for her, knowing she can't see anything imperfection. Sometimes I think Shia will be schizophrenic, it's like she grasps everything I see, feel, hear, touch, know

It's like she holds it before I know it's there- or not there. Shan, take care of her since I know I can't. Take care of yourself, like I wanted to, okay? Please scream your promise out to me, so I can be sure to hear it. I'd feel some better if you'd promise those things. Don't cry Shannon, when I'm not there to kiss them away. Don't have need for a shoulder when mine isn't present. Please don't frown without me there to wrap my arms around you like I should. I love you more than ever, sweetheart.


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