Chapter 74

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-Carmen-
I bit my lip unsure if I should even do this. I look up at the door and knock, "come in." I hear Abel say. I go in and see him sitting next to the bed where Lolita was sleeping, "how is she?" I asked him going to the opposite side of the bed and looking at my daughter worriedly. "She's...sick Lana." I look at Abel, "what was she diagnosed with?" I asked him, "depression, the doctor said it's severe." He says, "I-I can tell..." I say running my hand against the bandages Lolita has on her wrists, "what happened babe?" I ask Abel looking into his eyes, "I don't know, she came home late crying then went upstairs and locked her door and she wouldn't let me in, I broke the door down but it was too late." Abel says standing up and coming over to me. I felt a tear roll down my cheek, "Abel I should've been there for her..." I say looking at my baby's pale almost lifeless body, "yeah you should've." Abel says coldly, "is she going to be okay?" I ask him. Abel shakes his head, "the doctors don't know yet, it's too early to know." He says to me. I nod, "stay here with her I have to get something to eat..." Abel mumbles leaving. I sit down and look at Lolita. She looked like me when I was younger but had Abel's lips and a mix of our skin colors and noses. I place my hand on hers cautiously and held it gently. She seemed lifeless. I heard the door open a few minutes later and see Abel come in with food and 2 cups of coffee, "I got what you used to like, hope you still do." He says sitting next to me, "yeah thanks..." I mumbled, "do you think she's going to be alright?" I ask him, "yeah..." he says looking at me, "do you have a boyfriend?" He asks me after a few minutes of silence, "no." I say, "what happened to Chase?" "He...moved on I guess." I say looking to Abel. He's trying to be emotionless but in his eyes I see he's hurt, "how has she been doing?" I ask him looking at my daughter, "she's in high school, she's a sophomore. She's been going to parties and other places I don't know about and coming home late at night, it worries me but she keeps fucking doing it." Abel says, "just like her fucking mom." He mumbles slightly angry, "babe I'm sorry." I say to him, "I've seen your shit everywhere Lana, you're still famous and have kept our daughter a secret successfully, congratulations." He says hostility present in his voice. I stay quiet, "Abel-" "did you even love me Lana?" He asks me catching me off guard, "of course I do Abel." I say to him without hesitation, "why'd you leave?" He asks me angrily, "I loved you so much, I was so happy when Lolita was born I was hoping we'd be a family Lana." He asks me, "I told you, in the letter." I say to him, "I didn't believe you, I would've fucking helped you, you know that." Abel states shaking his head, "and I saw you got back with chase right after we broke up, what a fucking slut." He says angrily. I felt hurt, "I'm here for Lolita that's all, I love her Abel." I say to him. He nods and we're silent again, "does she know?" I ask him, "does she know what?" Abel mumbles, "does she know I'm her mom?" I ask him. He shakes his head no. "Can we keep it that way? For a little bit?" I ask him. He shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't fucking believe you..." He mumbles rolling his eyes, "Abel I don't want her to get attached, I-I know I'll probably leave again, you know it too Tesfaye." I say to him, "then why did you even come in the first place ms. Del Rey?" He says angrily. I sigh and shake my head, "because I love her Abel she's my daughter." I say to him. He shakes his head, "whatever."
-Lolita a few hours later-
I wake up and hear my dad and two unfamiliar voices talking, "is she going to be okay Dr?" A woman's voice asks, "we're not sure yet, we will see when she wakes up, her vital signs seem normal, when she wakes up you'll have to keep an eye on her for a while." The doctor says. When she leaves I open my eyes slowly to see my dad and Lana Del Rey talking to each other, "dad..?" I mumble out, "Lo! Fuck oh my god I thought I lost you." He says coming over to me and hugging me. I hug him back, "dad why is Lana Del Rey here?" I ask him confused, "ahhh, Lana's a...friend of your mom..." dad sputters out, "figures she couldn't come herself." I mumble.
-Carmen-
I feel guilt wash over me a bit, "Hi." I say to her nervously. I haven't seen Lolita in 15 years, "um hi..." she says shyly trying to sit up wincing in pain as she moves her arms, "dad they hurt..." she whines, "I know, they'll get better Lo." He says to her running his hand through her hair sweetly, "if I live long enough..." she mumbles, "Lolita, don't think that way honey." I say sitting next to her. She sighs, "so you know my mom?" She asks me, "y-yeah sweetie, I've known you're mom forever." I say to her, "d-does she ever want to see me? Could you bring me to her-" "Lolita you're too sick right now, the doctor says you have to stay here for a while." Abel says, "o-oh." Lolita says sadly, "she does want to see you baby." I say to her, "d-dad you know I'm not crazy, right? Dad-" "Lolita I know, please just stay here, for me okay?" "Lolita, you're mom really wants to see you, she'd be so upset if...if anything happened to you sweetie so p-please just stay here a little while longer okay?" I say to her practically begging. She sighs softly and lays back down a tear rolling down her cheek as she goes back to sleep. "Abel what are we gonna do?" I ask him as I get off Lolita's bed, "I, I don't know." he says to me. We're quiet for a bit, "Car," his old nickname for me caused me to look up at him, "yeah?" I asked him, "c-can I go to work? Would you watch her?" He asks me. I nod, "yeah...what do you do?" I asked him as he went to the other side of the room to grab his jacket, "what I used to..." he mumbles putting it on, "Tesfaye," I say grabbing his arm, "get some sleep." Abel rolls his eyes, "what do you care anyway Lana?" He mumbles, "Abel-" I start before he walks out the door. I sigh and put my hands over my face as I walk to the chair next to Lolita's bed.
-Lolita-
My eyes open slowly and I see Lana sleeping in the chair next to me, "Lana?" I mumble, "Lana." I say louder. Her eyes open slowly and she sees me, "oh, hi sweetie." She says sitting up, "is there something wrong?" She asks me, "where's dad?" She asks me, "he had to work." She says to me, "oh..." I mumble. "What does he do?" She asks me, "he's a bodyguard." I say to her, "he said it's how he met mom, is that true?" I ask her. She smiles slightly, "y-yeah w-they met about 21 years ago, Abel was a bodyguard for her." She tells me smiling to herself, "what does mom do? Why'd she need a bodyguard?" I question Lana, "she's a songwriter for me, it was a tough time for me a lot of people wanted to kidnap me or hurt me." She says shuddering, "why?" I ask her, "do you want something to eat?" Lana asks obviously changing the subject. I sigh, "no, I'm not hungry Lana..." I say sadly. She sighs sadly and takes my hand in hers, "Lolita...how do you really feel honey? I know you're not fine so don't try that shit with me." Lana says to me. I look into her green eyes and bite my lip unsure if I trusted her, but I do, for some reason I do, "I-I feel like shit, I feel like I'm going crazy and I keep hearing these voices telling me it's not worth it and that I'm nothing and that I should just...end it all, I feel so lonely like no one understands and the only thing I had was my boyfriend and he's not even here anymore Lana I have no one." I say as tears run down my cheeks. Why was I doing this? I just met this person, and I love her music and whatever but I don't open up to people this quickly why do I trust her? She stands up and hugs me as I cry against her shoulder, "baby I know how you feel, I've had the same kind of experiences before Lolita, it's been a while but some days do feel like that for me." She says to me. We're quiet for a bit as I gather my thoughts trying to understand Lana, "Lana, does...does mom ever think about me..?" I ask her. She nods, "yeah she thinks about you all the time, she misses you so much. She cries and feels like shit for leaving you and Abel and she says if she could do it over she would..." Lana says to me, "Lana what does she look like?" I ask her, "didn't Abel ever tell you?" She asks me chuckling slightly, "no, he doesn't like to talk about mom..." I tell her, "oh..." She mumbles, "well she's pretty, she looks a lot like you honey." She says smiling at me slightly. "Lana?" I mumble, "what?" Lana mumbles, "why'd she leave?" I ask her, "what did Abel say for that?" She asks me, "he said it's because of him that she left." "How could he-no..." Lana starts her voice cracking, "Lana?" "Excuse me-" She says running into the bathroom, "Lana!" I start as I get up heading towards the bathroom after her.
-Carmen-
How could he think that? Does he actually think that? Did he tell her that to protect her? Why would he? I just wasn't fucking ready! I hope that's not what he thinks! I love him so much I don't want him to think it was because of him. I was young and stupid and wasn't ready for Lolita at the time. God what am is doing?! I look up at myself in the mirror and see my mascara running down my face, "Lana?" I hear my daughter outside hitting the door, "Lolita get back into bed!" I say through the door, "Lana what did I say?! What happened?! What's wrong?!" Lolita says through the door, "nothings wrong sweetie, I-I just had to go to the bathroom, I'll be out in a few minutes honey." "L-Lana..." I hear Lolita's faint voice outside the door and wipe my eyes quickly going outside and seeing my daughter laying on the ground, "Lolita! Shit are you okay?" I ask frantically as I help her up carefully, "Lana...w-why were you crying..?" She mumbles weakly, "not now baby get some rest please..." I say putting her arm around my shoulders and bringing her back to her bed, "Lana..." she mumbles sleepily, "it's okay sweetie you're gonna be alright..." I mumble softly as she falls back to sleep.

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