Walled City

47 10 22

As I sit here at 3 am
Watching the moon
Float lazily in the sky
I reflect upon my life choices
Bygone days passed by

I empty my emotions
Into my writing
My inner turmoil within
Begs to be released
It churns, it boils, then rises up
Seemingly unable to be ceased

Friends that have come and gone
Others that have stayed and thrived
Laughter, joy, sorrow, and regrets
Memories burned into my soul
Things I can never forget

I often ponder in my heart
How things might be different
If I had let them into my walled city
Into my damaged and growing torment

My flaws I obscure from view
Pretending that I'm happy and content
When in fact I'm an imperfect
Damaged and mauled person
One with much to release and vent

Oh why oh why do I keep
Locking all the kindred spirits out
Who want to stand side by side
Through the good, the bad, and the ugly
Until the storms subside

Willing to bear their hearts
Their innermost secrets and fears
In hopes of a genuine connection
One that will flourish and grow
Over many, many years

But still I lock them out
My drawbridge firmly raised
To wallow and live in my loneliness
Misery, my bride
With no other suitor
From which I may choose
Leaving me few options
Mainly, to lose

I really can't bellyache
Since I hold the only key
To lower my drawbridge
And let others truly see me

Cowardice and insecurity
Dominate my mind
True friends I could have made
But I left them all behind

I flick my half-smoked cigarette
Into the humid, thick night air
Cursing my self silently, intently
That life is so unfair
I open my front door
And retreat into my home
Locking out the world
Sitting in self-pity
My mind, my emotions, coming unfurled

If by chance I've pushed you away
Please know this to be true
Whenever someone tries to come inside
I lock my drawbridge
It's just what I do

If upon my door you pound
Just know that I possess many sins
Draped in shame and guilt
Where do I truly fit in?

Just Exhale: Poetry From The HeartWhere stories live. Discover now