Bitter Sweet Love. Part 2, Chapter 18.

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Chapter 18

Johnny must think I am some sort of sexual tyrant, no funny business HA. Of course there would be no funny business no matter how much I wanted him to wrap himself around me and fill that void I had. I was happy just to have company to get me through the night. It was an awful night, I dreamt of Cameron again. I watched him wither away in my dreams, months and months' worth of hurt crammed into a lone nights terrors. His sunken eyes pleading with me to love the child that grew within me but I grew more and more distant to the idea of the baby the more real it became. The guilt was following me in an unavoidable way. Johnny snores like an elephant and I like it. It lets me know he is alive and well I found myself stirring awake when he would become silent. I looked at him so intensely as he slept and felt that lump in the bottom of my stomach rise into my throat, was that some sort of love? I was not sure but whatever it was it was intense and it was happening a lot around Johnny. My mind flew to my old friends back home, I missed Harvey and Minnie the most. It is amazing how when you are taken away from people how you begin to miss them even though they were never there. I was mourning Cameron but also mourning losing my home, friends and family. In the madness of it all I forgot myself. I forgot to appreciate those around me and now I was bearing the brunt of my selfishness. The baby fluttered around inside me and the love I once felt for it was fading already, as much as it pained me to admit. Johnny was beginning to stir so I shut my eyes. I heard him yawn and scotch up a bit in the bed. A soft kiss was planted on the top of my head and he turned back over and within minutes was back to snoring. I re-opened my eyes unleashing the smile I hid. Johnny was difficult in ways I did not understand fully but in that moment I felt his true self, the side his mental health seeks to hide and it is the side the draws me to him. I edged quietly out of the bed and tip toed towards the slightly jarred door and crept out. I was heading down the hallway to the loo when I heard a gently humming from the living room. I kept on creeping and poked my heard around the door into the living room and over by the fire sat Aude knitting away humming to herself. The glow of the fire illuminated her peaceful face and highlighted the gently wrinkles that caressed her eyes and mouth.

"Come in Kira", she broke off from her humming never turning around, I guess when you live alone for a long time you become more aware of predator esque sounds. I walked softly into the room, the silence was overwhelming and I did not want to disturb it. As I came face to face with Aude she nodded to a chair directly in front of her and I sat down without question. "What are you doin' rambling at this time of the night girl", She smirked still focusing on her intricate yellow knitting.

"I was going to the toilet, I could not sleep", I answered honestly.

"A lot of your mind?" She asked looking up at me for  a moment.

"A lot would be an understatement", I gave a nervous laugh.

"I offer you my ears free of charge if you ever need someone to pour your thoughts out to", She said earnestly.

"Thank you", I whispered and Aude went back to humming, she respected my space and let me come to her instead of pushing me. I appreciated that.

"Invite your parents here Kira. If they come here we can discuss living situation until the baby if born and thereafter", She said not knitting anymore. "Don't be worried Kira, whatever is decided will be for the best"

"That is a good idea, I don't think any of us really thought it through", I lamented.

"Cam just wanted you in safe place Kira, he thought it would be safer for you parents to find out with you at a distance His thinking may have been flawed but his heart was in the right place and Johnny just wanted to give Cameron peace in his death", She said tears welling.

"I understand Aude, I do. I'm sorry. I..." I muttered.

"It is okay Kira, we are all shook up at the minute. Just try to see the bigger picture here, you are young and at times it can be hard to see beyond tomorrow at your age." He said starting to knit again. Aude was a lot tougher than I thought. She seemed awfully soft and nonthreatening yesterday but after chipping away at her I could see the real her emerge. She was a lot stronger than I thought and maybe more caring than I imagined.

"The baby", I said.

"Is everything okay?" She stirred.

"Yes. It is just, you won't judge me will you?" I asked my hand flying to my stomach. She shook her head. "I don't love it like I should. The more my belly grows the less I feel like I want it", I felt guilty right after saying it. Aude did not look horrified or angry or anything I expected.

"That's very normal given all you have been through Kira. Just don't let that guilt get to you it will only make the depression worse. I know this is far from the ideal time for you to have a baby but we are all here for you. Never treat it like a mistake, love it like an unexpected miracle. One day Kira you will grow up with the baby by you side, with Cameron by your side and you will start a family with a loving man and you will forget the hurt you feel now. I promise", She said reaching her hand towards me and I grabbed it, straining due to the space between us but it felt good to have a comforting grip, to keep me here on earth.

"Cameron passed away happy Aude he was so entirely in love with what grows inside me it hurt my heart. He picked names and everything" I laughed, "They were terrible names but he just wanted to throw them out there hoping I would think about it and consider them", I smiled. "We were not meant for each other Aude, we both knew it we were the best of friends who confused the love we had for each other and I see that now. I find comfort in the fact I can bring a piece of Cameron back into the world. He was an amazing person despite his issues. Heck, we all have issues", I stopped talking, I was getting carried away. I guess it had been a long time since I had been able to let my fears and love pour out of me. Aude was smiling however. I knew she loved Cameron only like an Auntie can, like a second Mother. "Paisley is doing better", I murmured.

"Oh Paisley", She shook her head. "Tell you one thing that is a must Kira, teaching that baby good ole' sex education when he or she is a teenager. Let's end this teen pregnancy cycle now!" She laughed but I knew she was serious. I smiled back at her.

"Milo was torn up about it all, it's been a hard year for everyone. Tragedy after tragedy." I sighed.

"They say all good and bad comes in threes. Paisley's accident, Paisley lost her baby and we all lost Cameron." She sighed wiping away a stray tear. "I think it's time for the 3 good omens my dear", She managed another smile.

"We can only hope", I smiled back. "I hate to be rude but I really need to use the loo now", Aude laughed at that. She nodded at me.

"Goodnight sweetie, try and get some sleep OK!" She said.

"I will do, you too", I said and she gave me a big thumbs up and turned back to her knitting. Leaving now I could see it was a little baby cardigan. She was too sweet.

After reliving myself I headed back to my room trying to be as quiet as possible but it was no use Johnny was already sitting up in the bed, smiling at me but he looked exhausted.

"You make it hard to get a good night's sleep if you disappear you know. I would have went running around the farm looking for you other than the walls are paper thin and I could hear your voices in the living room", He laughed scratching his head.

"You should not listen into people's private conversations Johnny! Jesus!" I joked and crawled back into my side of the bed. Johnny held an arm open to me and I sat into him and warmed myself back up. "Go back to sleep", I muttered.

"After you", He smiled and as sleep took me into her beautiful arms I felt like a weight had been taken off my back. I felt like I may be able to sleep for once. Maybe.

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