viii. never pick up when you want me

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baby i done done enough talking
need to know that you're mine
– halsey, now or never

• •

"chaeng?" lisa whispered, "it hurts..."

"what do you mean, lis?" she looked up at her, concerned, her eyes full of love as well, "where does it hurt?"

"here," she took chaeyoung's hand and pressed it against her jaw, "and here," lisa moved their hands to her swollen eye. the discoloration looked like galaxies on her pale skin.

chaeng felt disgusted of herself for sleeping with that man. she wished she didn't, she really did, but as she kissed him she thought of lisa and lisa's lips, he was so soft and lanky, and his hair was long enough, she imagined it was lisa under her, even whispered lisa's name in hushed whispers as she come undone.

she didn't feel guilty for using him. she felt guilty because it wasn't her baby, not even close.

"here."

chaeng's palm was pressed against lisa's lips, and suddenly her breath was nowhere to be found. "where else?" she softly asked.

"here," now it was on lisa's chest, she could feel how it pumped, it was quick and hard, like lisa was fighting for her breath.

was she doing this to her?

was she the cause of this?

"my heart hurts so much..."

"baby," chae didn't want to be hurting her, no, god that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"do you know why?" there were tears in her brown hues.

it was as if chaeng could feel lisa's hurt, she was hurting herself, she bit her lower lip because the tears were in her eyes now too.

she shook her head and finally pressed her ear against lisa's chest, she listened to her heart, trying to decipher what it was screaming.

"tell me why..." her voice was barely a whisper.

"it's because..."

it was now or never, if she wasn't going to be able to tell chaeyoung now then she won't be able to tell her at all.

she'd forever live a life of regret, she was going to let chaeyoung go and she'll find someone who'll deserve and love her, a love unlike lisa's though, a love with courage.

lisa loves with reckless abandon, would chaeng let her?

"it's because you didn't..." god, fuck, it was never. never ever. chaeng deserved so much better. "you didn't make breakfast yet,"

she could work to be so much better though.

chaeng sounded a little disappointed. oh no, it wasn't little—my bad—the disappointment was gargantuan, bigger than the fucking universe itself.

"oh, i'm not really—"

"chaeng," lisa cut her off. "will you let me?"

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