vii. when you think of me, do you think of pain?

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you can tell me what you see
i will choose what i believe
– vance joy, mess is mine

• •

she's a girl of many names—

rosé, rosie, roseanne, chae, chaeng, chaeyoung, chong-ah, even chipmunk or the most random pasta.

—but lisa's girlfriend was never one of them.

lisa wished her to be, lisa even wanted to give her her name. chaeyoung manoban, roseanne manoban; or she could take hers...lisa park– lalisa park.

either way, their names together had a nice roll out of her tongue, it was as if they were made for each other, like how god took eve from adam's flesh and made her for him, or how the greek gods had separated humans into two because they were too powerful together.

the concept of soulmates was a cliché, but that was what they were, at least, that was how lisa wished them to be, something gods fear.

gods were fearful and insecure, so they picked on innocent lovers, tear them apart; that was why it was impossible for lisa and chaeng to be together, they were a bloody force to be reckoned with.

quite egotistical of lisa to think that, but she wanted to blame something or someone aside from her cowardice.

she did not want it to be her fault.

it was a burden she could not bear to carry.

so she's sat down there in a bar, downing her twelfth glass of bourbon, reliving how chaeng felt pressed against her body, grinding against her bottoms, while holding her hips.

all these touches lingered, lisa could still feel her, even if she wasn't there anymore. the thought of her lips against the shell of her ear brought a hurricane inside lisa's stomach.

thirteenth glass.

her mind was hazy, she was losing control of her thoughts; the memory of earlier invaded her, all she could see was how chaeng moved away from her and talked to this person.

no, fuck! they flirted.

fourteenth glass.

they kissed. every kiss and every touch given to that  boy chaeyoung desired, lead lisa closer and closer to the pits of tartarus.

lisa wanted to burn, to disintegrate, to be nothing but dust and shadows.

fifteenth glass.

she jumped, she drowned, and there was nothing but oblivion. oblivion smelled like chaeng, like home.

tears tasted like sea.

home was entangled in somebody else's being, while lisa was making love to the lie that home loved her too.

in her fucking haze, she woke up to release the liquid she intake. she knew liquid poison wasn't going to make her feel better, and that was why she drowned herself in it, she wanted to feel worse because that was what she deserved.

on her way back to the couch, her surroundings finally made sense to her. she wasn't in her own place.

pathetically she ended up in chaeyoung's place, she must have kept on thinking about her that she had told the driver this address instead of hers.

the door to chae's room flung open, snapping lisa out of her reverie, a lanky man made his way out, trying to be slick, quiet, in order to keep sleeping beauty in her slumber.

lisa stood up from the couch, the man yelped, "what the hell, who the fuck are you?"

"the girl you stole from, asshole." lisa bitterly spatted.

she moved her way to the door and opened it, she waited for the idiot to make his way out. when he was finally outside, he looked over at lisa and smirked, "tell her i had fun,"

hot searing anger was all she could see.

the next thing she knew was chae's voice screaming her name, her own nose and mouth bleeding, her fist swollen, a man under her with a face that almost resembled a crushed strawberry.

she pushed her off and lisa expect to receive another blew, instead froth of blonde hair was in front of her, and the sound of fist hitting face echoed along the hallway.

lisa screamed and pushed the guy, "leave, leave!" her scream was piercing that the neighbors were awoken.

they called the police.

sirens were wailing, the lanky man who bedded her angel, was pressed against the wall by chaeng's middle aged neighbor.

a really nice man.

it was off putting to have seen two girls with bruises on their face, one even bleeding, in front of a predator-like lanky boy.

it didn't sit well.

sixteenth glass.

tears tasted like sea, now chaeyoung was crying oceans.

"i'm sorry,"

she touched lisa's fucked up face, but lisa didn't mind one bit, she'd get fucked up, battered, and tortured for her anytime of the day.

lisa shook her head and pressed her lips against chae's forehead, "where did that fucker hit you?" she held chae's chin and tilted her head up.

there was the nasty bruise, "huh, he's quite the artist, look at the masterpiece he did to our faces."

"it was assault against two women with witnesses, he'd be staying in jail for a while," there goes her future lawyer.

"heh, you know how that kind of misdemeanor only have lesser sentence, especially when there was no homicide involved..." she sneered.

"now, who's the law student between us two again?" chae managed to find humor in the situation.

lisa hissed and pressed her lips against chae's bruised cheek, repeatedly so and it shut her up. lisa moved her head, her forehead now pressed against chae's.

chaeyoung gulped, licked her lips, as she felt lisa's hover just above hers, "i still want to get you checked up for a concussion."

"it's fine just wake me up every three hours."

just kiss me already, chaeyoung thought.

"fucking change the sheets, by the way," lisa pulled away, turned to the counter.

seventeenth glass.

lisa was more than a sloppy second, chaeyoung understood.

the night ended with poor decisions that laughed at their faces, taunting them.

an idiot and a coward, when will they be more than that?

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