Broken
This bleeding heart of mine.
Standing here pondering to myself, who would have thought. I remember that evening. I was staring at the sky as the sun handed the baton over to the moon. The ultimate game of tag the world has ever known. Yin and Yang, a forever loop of push and pull, somehow maintaining this balance for eons. The beauty of the sunset held me captive for what seemed like hours, as the sleepy sun pulls his blanket of stars as he lay to rest. This soft glow of lights in the air saddened me, for I too was at my twilight.
Slowly, I lowered my gaze to meet her eyes. They were filled with emotions, but three things were quite clear, there was sadness and love, but a stern resolve stood above all. She was serious. My soul quivered, for I knew there was no way to avoid what was to come.
I must admit, I fell in love with her eyes the moment we first met. Beautifully dark brown eyes with a gracious gloss that held so much mystery, and emotions that intrigued me to dive into them every chance I got. She smiled and her eyes softened. An ability she possesses that always had the power to shatter my defenses, leaving me completely vulnerable. I loved and hated that beautiful smile, for I would smile in return every single time without restraint, even if I were mad at her. Those very same eyes then gently guided me to what she was holding. I recognized it immediately, and before I knew what had happened, tears filled my eyes. My legs felt like noodles, my chest heavy as lead, as the ground pulls me down with brute force. I was drowning. I fell to my knees in despair, for I had given it to her in perfect condition. The only words that found my lips were," what did you do?". I was drowning in the blood of my own bleeding heart, unable to breathe, unable to do anything at all.
She gestured for me to take it. Numb from head to toe with hands cupped, I receive the love that I had once gifted. The composure she tried to maintain crumbled, and she broke down in tears crying to me saying " I'm sorry Kevin, I love you so much; You're like my best friend but I just can't anymore. I don't love you the way you love me." Those words tortured my very soul. Waves of memories consumed me. The memories we shared over the past two years, wondering how did we get here. A sudden pain washed over me soaking into my veins, eating at my sanity as I stood there broken while she turned and walked away. My strength failed me; I couldn't chase after her. Struggling to understand, all I had were questions: why? What? When? How? ...help? No answer.
Confusion and hurt swirled within me and merged with my frustration. Why am I just taking this as it is, I had said to myself, and with every ounce of rage I could conjure up I used to shout out "Siya, what did I do wrong?" she replied "You did nothing Kev, you don't deserve this but I'm not in love with you, and I can't love you that way... I found someone that makes me feel different, you know? special. I do care for you though, and I do wish you the best". She left that evening. Pity was all I saw in her eyes as though I was a puppy she could no longer keep. Months passed since and left me questioning what we had. Was it love? Hurt, misery, and depression were my only friends because I found no closure to such an important chapter of my life. My smiles were forced for those I wish not to burden with my problems, and the constant feeling of drowning was my comfort at night. I could not sleep. "How far I have fallen?" ha, how am I to step forward as though nothing happened, like she never existed? I still don't know what I was supposed to learn from all that. What life lesson was that? I asked myself each day. Am I missing something important here? Sigh, I know I will live, but how do I find happiness after having my very heart left on life support, struggling to stay alive. Thoughts of suicide whispered to me whenever I find myself alone, for I could not see my worth anymore. The only thing that kept me going was that maybe one day I will find something worth dying for. Maybe then I could find something worth living for, no matter how contradictory it may sound. Praying happiness finds me again along this path I have to travel. I do hope she's happier. I guess I'll have to comfort myself with words like I deserve better. Happiness will have to find me because I am done looking, and whenever people ask, "are you ok?" I will answer with a smile saying I am fine, thanks for asking.
I gave her everything I had to give, money I didn't have, time I couldn't waste. When she lost her peace, I went out, found it, and dragged it back to her. I showed her another side of the world without ever leaving the city, she told me that I was so kind and so sensitive. That we would fall in love. But after a few months, we had a falling out. I decided it was best that we didn't talk anymore. In response to this, she told me that I was possessive, that I fall in love too easily; and I'm too sensitive.
and now I know what it means when they say that people will hate the very qualities they loved about you. and it will leave you unsure of yourself. You will wonder what changed, was it them or was it me? You will question the value of I love you' s after seeing how conditional love can be. Your first instinct will be to blame yourself because your love for this person will not want to allow you to blame them. But I have to ignore my first instinct. Because I've been wrong enough times to know when I'm right. It's rare that people will admit to hurting you. Instead, they will frame you as being wrong, convincing themselves that you are toxic in order to alleviate their own guilt. And if you have been kind to them, having little to pull from, they will have no option but to turn your better qualities against you. Your passion will be newly regarded as overwhelming. Your concern will be possessiveness. Your kindness will be naivety and your love will be "too much"
But in regard to emotion, there is no such thing as too much. You cannot love too much; you can only love the wrong person. The more in tune you are with your emotions is the more human you will be. We weren't given feelings to hide them away and numb ourselves. We were made to feel. It's how we interact with everything around us. It's how we remind ourselves, we're alive.
So I resent the idea of being too sensitive. Because in a world continually growing colder, people will try to rob you of your warmth. But we need vulnerability. We need people who embrace their own feelings and recognize their weight, so we can begin to see validity in the feelings of others. I resent the idea that I need to change, to harden myself in order to survive in this world. Maybe the world is what needs changing. We try to convince ourselves that our minds set precedence over the things we feel, as if we can deny our emotions and function off logic alone - we always lose. Because we are not machines, we are human beings and what sets us apart from an assortment of codes and numbers, is our ability to find a balance between logic and intuition.
So I will not change. I will be too sensitive. And because you can't find it within yourself to appreciate me, doesn't mean I've lost my worth.
