chapter twenty nine: a place to think

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Kenzie ran off, again. I really wish she would stop that. I want to talk to her. But what would I even say? She doesn't want to meet our bio dad. I want to. Just to see. I can't talk to her about that. I can't even get the words out.  I decide to go where I always go when I need to clear my head. My mom used to take us when we were younger, since then we just visit some times after meeting with Grandmother Emily. She refused to let us call her Gran so we ended up on Grammy or Gram. She didn't like the name at first but she has warmed up to it.

I write out a note.

I am fine. I'm going to clear my head. I'll be back before dinner, if I'm not I'll call.

I grab a backpack with just an extra pair of clothes and a notebook. Checking the time, I nod. I could make the bus just in time. Rushing over to the vehicle, I climb inside pulling out my notebook as I watch the scenery pass by.

The scenery passing by reminds me of my life the past few days or week. Everything spinning faster and rushing past with out even a second to process it. Leaving me behind, struggling to recall what I had seen. I know I said I wanted to meet him, my bio father. And I do. But is it worth it? Worth letting him flip everyone's entire life over and over. My mom doesn't often talk about our grandfather Christopher. We only see him at the occasional family event or when he drops by unannounced. Mom says he used to flip their lives upside down every time. I don't want that for my family. My mom has had enough life flipping. Jess too. But I want to meet him. Am I being stupid? Stubborn? Selfish? What is going on.

I must have fallen asleep and I wake up to the sound of the bus stopping. My stop. Boy that is lucky. I stand and get off the bus before deciding to walk to my destination. I needed to get away and think. I walk for a bit, wondering how much longer I would have to walk until I got to my destination. I don't know why I go here when I need to think. It wasn't necessary or anything. I didn't have a sentimental reason to go there. I just did.

Maybe it's because of my mom, she would come here a lot. She'd come everyother Sunday, with Kenz and I, we'd sit there and she would read a book. After she had finished reading, she would sit there and talk about things that were happening in our lives. When Kenzie and I turned 14, she said it was our choice if we wanted to go. With my mom's schedule her visits had to reduce to just once a month. Kenzie would occasionally go with her. I would go everyother month with my mom, but I'd also go sometimes just by myself. This is one of those times.

Finally, I see the cemetery and pick up my pace slightly. Crossing across the grass, I see the gravestone I'm looking for.  Sitting criss cross on the grass, I stare at the stone.

"Hey. it's me. Your granddaughter. Maggie," I say, "I know I never got to meet you. maybe you might even think it's weird that I would come here to think and talk. Mom loved you and talks about you a lot. I always thought you sounded like a wise guy. I wish I could have met you. Maybe you would know what to do. My dad popped into my life. Not Jess. My dad dad. My biological dad. I want to meet him. I do. I mean I'm nervous of course and I love Jess I do. But I think my biological dad is something that I've been missing my while life. Kenzie feels the opposite. She doesn't want to meet him or even know he exists. I think it's because of how close she is to Jess. How similar she is to him. Jess says I'm a lot like mom. I can see it I guess. Kenzie is who knows where. She is always racing away. I don't know what's going on with her. I want to talk to her but she is you know dealing with her own stuff and maybe it's selfish but I miss her. I want to talk to her. Get it all out there."

I take a deep breath, "The truth is I just don't know what's going to happen or what we are going to do. I've always known. I've always had an idea of what was going to happen and what we were going to do. I don't know a thing right now and it's terrifying. I don't know what to do. what if what if what if all of these what is are playing in my mind and I can't get a grip of anything."

I cry slightly. hugging my knees to my chest.


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