Chapter 15

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AUTHORS NOTE
*I realise that on my Instagram account I posted this in two parts... I thought that was a bit mean to do on here... so... I have merged both parts into one! Please enjoy!*

DISCLAIMER
This chapter may be triggering for some, as it mentions mental health problems (specifically anxiety). I have wrote all of this from personal experience, as I suffer from it (I understand that nobody is the same, this is just some of what I have experienced). Stay safe.

~Andy's POV~

Sonny and I had Geography together. I was kinda glad that we were together for it, because I sucked at it. It's not as if I tried to be bad at it! I just was!

Sonny was good at it though, so we helped each other a little.

We had become really close since we met, I felt like to could tell him anything and he would be fine with it. He was cool like that, and I appreciated him for it.

Thankfully the lesson ended just as Sonny and I were about get told off for helping each other by the teacher.

We both got out of that classroom as quick as possible as we didn't want to stick around.

As soon as we made it out, we both started laughing.

I have to admit, I liked Sonny, he was straightforward and fun. All in all, he was a great friend to have.

We were still laughing when Brook met up with us. Eventually, after a few minutes of continuous laughter, we stopped laughing and went out to the field, where we would meet the other boys to do some more of our music project.

Rye, Harvey, Jack and Mickey were already there, sitting in a circle talking. We approached them and they stopped talking. They each moved over a little so that we had a place to sit. I sat down next to Harvey and Sonny and across from Rye. I could see him so clearly from here. And as always, he looked amazing.

I had picked up my guitar on the way to the field, so I sat down and started strumming. Playing the song was simple, especially after my practice session earlier today.

The difficult part was deciding who should sing what. Which for some reason, the trusted me to make the decision for everyone.

I tried to make me not have to sing anything, but one of the conditions of the assignment was that every member had to sing. So I decided to give myself the smallest part of the song to sing.

Andy - "Rye, I think you should sing the opening, then jack can sing the first verse."

They both nodded.

Andy - "Then I reckon that Brook you go after Jack and sing the next verse. Followed by Harvey and Sonny with the chorus."

Both Harvey and Sonny seemed keen to do it, but Brook looked nervous, so I gave him an 'It's alright' look, which he returned with a smile.

We practiced those bits first for about 10
minutes, before going for the second half of the song. They all sounded great, way better than I would.

Andy - "Great. Now Jack, I think we should go back to you for the third verse, followed by Mikey with the bridge. Then Rye you can finish off the song with the last chorus."

I hadn't given myself a part yet, and I really hoped that none of them noticed because I wanted to keep it that way.

So we practiced and practiced, running the song over and over again so that we all knew our parts off my heart.

We were about to finish off and leave when Rye spoke.

Rye - "Hey Andy, you didn't give yourself a part to sing."

Andy - "Oh... yeah... about that... I didn't really want to sing anything..."

Rye - "What! You have to sing! Otherwise we will fail!" He said as he cutting me off.

I got a little annoyed because he had cut me off. So I decided to continue speaking.

Andy - "As I was saying... I was going to sing the background stuff. To give the song a little contrast."

Rye - "No. I've heard you sing Andy! You have an amazing voice, you have to sing."

I felt my face getting hot, and I knew I was getting red. I really didn't want to sing, especially not with them watching. I actually didn't mean for Rye to hear me. I didn't want him to hear me sing. But he did, and now I'm in this mess.

Rye - "What if you sang the last chorus with me?"

I thought about it and decided that it should be okay, I won't have a solo so I won't have all the pressure on me... at least that's what I thought.

Andy - "Okay, I'll do that."

We started again from the top. I started playing the guitar as normal but the small nerves I felt before started to grow. As my turn grew nearer and nearer, I felt the presence of the nerves.

My stomach knotted and twisted and I felt sick. Without realising, I stopped playing the guitar and looked to the floor. I then felt a hand on me shoulder.

Sonny - "Hey... Andy are you okay?"

Andy - "Yeah I'm fine, just got lost in my thoughts, sorry."

I lied through the smile on my face. I knew I was not okay, but they didn't need to know.

The voice in my ear came back, telling me that they wouldn't like me, that they would make fun of me, taunt me. It reminded me of what happened last year, told me that it would happen again. It told me that nobody would ever love me.

I am normally good at keeping the voice at bay, distracting my thoughts to stay away from the black hole the voice lives in. But the darkness has been spreading, I could feel it.

Slowly...

First my heart, then my throat, then my stomach, and one day soon, the darkness will reach my brain. Then there is no coming back.

My fingers moved across the strings like I was a machine. Movements that were almost robotic. The code in my brain told me where my fingers needed to go and what strings to strum. How the melodies had to sound. What harmonies needed to be made to go with the guitar.

Soon it would be my turn.

It was slowly drawing closer and closer...

Sooner and sooner...

Nearer and nearer...

And soon Mikey was singing the bridge and I was next.

I looked up from my guitar and caught the eye of Rye.

He gave me a encouraging smile, hoping that it would make me feel better.

But that's when I broke...

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