Unexpected

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Levi: Hey ;)

Levi: I shouldn't distract you while you're trying to learn but I can't stop thinking about you

Levi: Let's meet up tonight? The park?

Another chime of my phone has me glancing at it. What can I say, it's a habit. But I can't bring myself to answer Levi's texts. Not with Miles' words running through my head from moments ago.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm the bad guy in my life. Since the moment I came to terms with my sexuality, I always assumed the bad guy would be some jock in college or another aspect of my life. 

Stereotypical I know, but it's honestly kinda what I thought. I never expected it to be me!

And yet, I used Lucy for my own selfish reasons. I did everything I could to convince myself that it was the right thing for both of us.

I convinced myself that I was doing okay at the boyfriend thing. Yes, I admit, I knew all along that I needed some help and to step it up, but I never thought I was horrible. 

Until Miles. Why does everything come back to Miles?!

Miles' truth slapped me in the face. He was a better boyfriend than I was and he wasn't even trying. 

That does beg the question though, Was I really trying? 

When I kept telling myself that I would be a better boyfriend to her, did I ever actually take the steps to change?

I hate that I don't know that answer to that off the top of my head. I hate that I even have to question it because if the answer isn't immediately yes then I did more harm then I ever intended to. 

It would mean that I intentionally hurt Lucy with my actions. 

I try to keep telling myself this was all just collateral damage and the fallout was inevitable. I mean it's not like I could have married her to make an honest woman out of her. 

But I'm a liar. It could have all been avoided if I wasn't such a coward. If I would just stand up and own my truth, none of this would have happened. 

Guilt stabs me for the millionth time just as another text pops through. 

Levi: Hope everything is okay

Levi. Something I didn't see coming and the only good thing out of all this. But after my conversation with Miles earlier, I'm questioning what it means to be with him after what I've done to Lucy.

Will he hate me for using his sister that way? I wouldn't blame him if he does once he knows the truth. 

If I know anything right now, it's that I have to tell him. I don't want to be the bad guy. Not in my own story. 

Me: Tonight sounds good 

I toss my phone onto my backpack and take a deep breath hoping that I am making the right choice.

****

"You're quiet tonight," Levi observes from next to me as we lay out on the hood of Levi's Toyota Camry looking at the stars. 

The park, as always this time of night, is empty. The breeze is light, making it a perfect night to stargaze. 

There is something comforting about Levi, myself and the stars. 

"Lot on my mind today, I guess," I shrug though I don't know if Levi saw it. 

I want to play it cool. I don't want to give anything away because I'm still not one hundred percent convinced that I want to tell anything to Levi. Right now, on the hood of my car with Levi, is something I don't know that I'm ready to potentially lose. 

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