"Caspar..." I let my voice trail on.
"What the hell was that? Roommates and friends?" Caspar hissed. Tears brimmed at his eyes. His voice was angry twisted with sadness and confusion.
"I... I guess I got just scared." I directed my gaze downwards. I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself.
"Scared of what?" Caspar asked, his hand reaching forward and grabbing my shoulder. The sudden touch made me flinch. Caspar noticed, and removed his hand.
"I don't want to be gay, Caspar. Every time I think about the terrifying fact that I'm gay, I think back to that night when I was beaten for my sexuality. It'll never go away. I can't accept myself like this. I love you, believe me Caspar, I love you. I'm just scared. Scared of what the world will think of me." My throat burned. I wanted to scream out.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Caspar.." I used the back of my hand to remove the tears that were resting at the bottom of my eyelids.
"No. No don't apologize, it's fine, really Joe. I understand." Caspar's hand returned to my shoulder. It wasn't comforting this time though. His fingers burned into my flesh.
He doesn't care about you anymore.
No. They can't be back.
He hates you now.
"No." My voice was audible this time.
"What?" Caspar asked.
I felt frozen. My heart stopped in time. I trembled in fear. I shook off Caspar's hand, and staggered back. My back hit the wall, and I slid down to my knees. Just attempting to widen the distance from Caspar. Caspar shouldn't be with me, it'll only cause problems. Just look at what the voices did last time. I was dangerous.
Caspar took a step closer to me, his eyebrows raised in confusion.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed in agony. The pain that thrashed against my flesh was released.
"Joe, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice shaking with fear.
He's scared of you. You're a monster. You should just leave him alone. You only make things worse for his life. He wishes he never got involved with you. Now he only stays with you because he pities you. Everyone who you think cares about you only pities you. Because your life is so meaningless and insufficient people can't help but feel sorry for you.
I swallowed a lump that was in my throat, and wiped my tear streaked face, pleading with Caspar to leave.
"Joe," He said softly, "Joe I'm not going to hurt you." He crouched down so that he was eye level to me.
I put my hands in front of me, "Don't come near me." I didn't want to hurt him. But I also didn't want to get hurt.
"Help me," The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. My breath was sharp and jagged. Even I heard how truly pathetic I sounded.
"What do you need? Joe, nothing's going to hurt you!" Caspar yelled, panickedly.
"Help me," I repeated.
Caspar broke the seperation, and grabbed my body in his arms. He held me, and rocked me like a child. He held the shambles of what used to be my body in his clutch. "What do I do?" He sounded calmer.
I tensed in his arms, "Don't," shards of pain scratched at my brain. I chocked on my own words, "Don't let them take me."
Caspar's fingers threaded through my hair.
He hates you. He hates touching your hair. He hates holding your body. You're a freak. You're nothing to him anymore.
"Who, Joe? Who's going to take you?"
"The voices." My voice came out shaky and the edges of my mouth trembled.
"Joe, I won't let them get to you." For a moment I actually believed him.
There was a sudden knock on the door, and I scrambled out of Caspar's arms, across the opposite side of the room.
"Caspar? Joe? Is everything alright?" Ryan's voice cut through the thick air and echoed throughout the room.
I noticed Caspar clench his jaw, "We're fine." His tone was completely different from the tone he had used towards me seconds ago.
After Caspar's voice there was a certain empty ring in the air.
The door opened. The new air came in and swept across my face in a sudden rush.
I stood. The floor beneath me felt like thin ice. I wavered slightly, trying to straighten my posture. I felt my heartbeat through my fingertips and toes, as it thumped heavily. Pulsating throughout my body.
Ryan's expression changed instantly when he saw me. He raced over, and grabbed my arm, trying to help me stand, as I was shaking so hard that my entire body swayed.
"Your arm.. it's freezing." Ryan desperately rubbed his warm fingers up and down my arms trying to warm my frozen body.
It was impossible though. The ice came from within, and couldn't be warmed from anything on the outisde.
However, my breath went ragged. My eyes started to blur uncontrollably. Black clouds began to take over and consume what was left of my vision. I felt my heart beat slower and slower.
Sleep, Joe. You can do it. Let go of yourself.
Is this what death feels like? If so it's so calm. It succumed me into it's bliss. Pleading with me to let go of the part of me that desperately was holding on.
Go, Joe. We can take over for you. Don't worry about a thing.
Wait. Take over for me? No. No, I can't let them. It was too late. The black clouds devoured everything. I was already gone.
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He Loves Me... Not? || Jaspar Fanfic (Caspar lee x Joe Sugg)Fanfiction
"Friends can cuddle, right?" I asked, inching closer to Joe. "Yeah." Joe said, opening one eye adorably to look at me. "They can kiss too?" I whispered, his scent alone sending chills up my spine.