copyright 2017 Chris Smith All rights reserved.
"The elevation of my mind
and deconstruction of my life."
Bro: Been doing okayish. Dad's picture from today is really messing with my head space though.
Bro: No idea! Something about her expression is really driving this home.
Me: Yeah...well...she looks very frail...and scared...to me.
Bro: Yeah. This is scary. This is terrifying.
Me: Yes. It is.. I'm reading a book about emotions. and they said you should be "mindful" and aware...notice the feelings but pass no judgement on them. Like right now, I feel sad..and I feel it in the back of my throat and my eyes.
Bro: Yeah. It's good advice. You are not your feelings.
Me: Allowing yourself to feel the emotions...and allow them to pass thru w/o assigning judgement.
Bro: It comes in waves. Be fine, then sometime later a wave of sadness will pass over me for some amount of time and then I'll be okay again. Well, yeah. They are just feelings. You can't control them, just how you react to them. What you do with them.
Me: Yes, and the feelings are there for a reason...to help us, warn us.. Exactly...course it doesn't help them "go away" lol I think it's really starting to hit Dad too...last night he was upset...we watched Hangover 2 and both had a good laugh.
Bro: Yeah, maybe. Not sure if it matters whether the feelings are helpful. They are a reaction to something I guess.
The phone rang and my heart dropped. I recognized the number. I disliked talking on the phone anyway, but the fact that it was the Hospital made me nervous. Dad wouldn't call me from a Hospital phone.
"Hi is Chris there?" the voice asked.
"This is she," I said.
"Hi Chris this is Natalie from the Hospital. Your Dad said I should give you a call and let you know what was going on with your Mom," Natalie said.
Gee thanks Dad, for the fucking warning. Natalie was a Doctor. Now this would be interesting. I was going to have to work hard to keep my eye rolling to a minimum. Thank God she couldn't see my face.
"Okay," I said.
"So your Mom has some fluids in her lungs and we pulled some of the fluid out to do some testing on it. She doesn't seem to have an infection but we can't understand why she has all the fluid," Natalie said.
"What out a viral infection?" I asked.
"Well, if she had viral infection we would have seen the symptoms by now," Natalie said.
I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't hold it in. I so rolled my eyes at her response. It's why I distrusted the medical community. They always seemed to act like they knew everything. Over the years I'd been dealing in the energy community I'd learned you could have a viral infection and not show the normal "cold like" symptoms.
But I knew trying to explain that to her, in this scenario, would be like climbing up an impossible mountain. She and all her Hospital peeps, had all the degrees and years of schooling. To them, I was a nobody. I had no official training, no degrees, and not much to stand on, except my snake oil salesman experience. They'd probably think I was another civilian trying to get my WebMD.com degree.
It burned my britches though. Pretty much all the Doctors I had encountered, which granted wasn't hundreds but still, seemed to be so closed minded that there could be any other road but theirs. I knew there were other roads. I was living proof of some of them.
I listened to her for the rest of the report, and didn't have much else to say. I was coming to the party without much to stand on. I had no evidence I could give them, nothing to show them and say, "Look at the proof I have brought you."
I would keep my mouth shut, for now.
CARING BRIDGE UPDATE
Days in Hospital: 9
Every evening when he comes home, Dad debriefs me on the day's events at the hospital and how Mom is doing.
He's always got funny stories, and he's such a great story teller, that we both end up laughing into the night. Then he tells me the things that he struggled with that day with Mom, and what's going on with the Doctors and testing.
Yesterday was a tough day for him. Mom was particularly mean and unpleasant. She wants to bolt from the hospital. And he said it took everything he had to convince her to stay.
It's tough to deal with Mom when she gets in her moods, and not take it personally. It's also near impossible to know how you're doing with her, when you feel you spent most of the day in a "Smackdown". I told Dad I think he's doing great. This is not easy stuff, sticking around dealing with the darker sides of Mom. It is incredibly emotionally draining and overwhelming.
I told Dad it is equally important that he and I make sure we're okay through all this. Mom's got 8 Doctors, and 3 nurses looking after her. Who do we have in our corner? Because if we're not okay, we can't help Mom be okay. It's called balance and pacing. It's a reason he doesn't want me down at the hospital right now...he wants me to decompress from the months I spent looking after her. Dad needs me to be okay, so I can help him be okay, and him being okay, can help my Mom, and my Brother, be okay, like a chain of links...each link impacts the other.
The Oncologist came to talk with him. They are preparing us for really bad news (not sure if one can really prepare oneself for bad news). She said the biopsy they took (from the pelvis) was no good (not enough tissue). And she doesn't want to cut Mom open and do exploratory surgery. So they're going to do two more tests (one of which will be done today and is not a pleasant and fun test), keeping Mom in the hospital longer, to try and figure out what is going on.
Mom is still losing blood, but not bleeding anywhere. The Oncologist is suspicious, and says it would be something a cancer type disease would do. She hopes to be proved wrong, as do we.
They're feeding Mom 4-8 Ensure® shakes a day. They say if we can get the shakes down, we don't have to worry about her "eating" and getting enough nutrients that way.
Dad said Mom's brain keeps improving every day, which is great.
I talked to her Chiropractor (and who we consider as our alternative family doctor, he's trained in Applied Kinesiology, etc) a few days ago and gave him a heads up on what's going on. He wants to see Mom as soon as she gets released from the hospital (or worst case we bring him to the hospital). He can easily and quickly energy test Mom on a bunch of things, and help flush out other therapies, nutritional supplements, etc to help aid in Mom's recovery. He can even help energetically test Mom and help hone down what medications would energetically strengthen her or weaken her, and work with her Doctors in coming up with a healing program.
Whatever the Doctors say, they're only looking at Mom in one aspect. So we'll use that knowledge, and then bring in other Doctors, specialists, etc from the alternative healing side, to help support Mom, overall in her healing and recovery, giving her the best chance we can.
Hug your loved ones a little more, and give a little extra compassion, or a warm smile to a stranger you pass on the street.
Blessings to you and your house,
YOU ARE READING
A HARD RUN INTO HELL Book 4 (EDITING) is the juice worth the squeeze seriesNon-Fiction
I was standing in Hell, burning. I looked over to see my Dad, standing right next to me. He was burning too. We had brought my Mom home from the hospital and care facility, after being diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and decided not to do chemo, ag...